Wacky Couple Throws Caution To The Wind, Heads North Despite Desperate Odds

by RhodesTer on November 2, 2009

in Humor/Satire, San Francisco

Rhodester and coffeesister, a wacky couple temporarily based in Palm Springs California, have announced that they are tossing caution to the wind by heading north to San Francisco shortly and “starting a new life.”

Rhodester and Coffeesister before the implants

Rhodester, also known as “Dave,” hopes to find a job there after having spent the last year unsuccessfully soliciting local employers for a position. As a victim of a horrible recession that has racked the country, he has grown weary of submitting copies of his resumè only to have them sent back marked up by red felt-tip pens.

“It’s awful,” he stated, during a Skype interview with himself. “It’s like I don’t exist. If it has to be that way, I’d rather not exist in San Francisco, where there are more things to do while not existing. It’s boring here.”

Coffeesister, also known as “Dorian,”  nodded adamantly in agreement. “We don’t have a car,” she added. “What public bus system stops running at nine at night and only goes up and down in a straight line? The stupid bus system here in Palm Springs, that’s what! Where are the subway trains? Where are the cable cars? Where are the buses that criss-cross the city at all hours? In San Francisco, that’s where!”

Rhodester chuckled at her tendency to ask a question and then answer it herself before anyone else could.

When asked what job experience he could bring to a position should he be offered one, Rhodester looked thoughtful and whimsical before answering with an assured tone that both comforted and affirmed..

“I’ve done so much. SO much! I don’t know where to begin.”

We told him to take all the time he needed and think it over.

“Well, there’s my most recent position as hotel security.. I was only thrown into the pool once and I almost never threw any guests out hotel windows while breaking up wild room parties. I learned how to do the front desk stuff, park cars in valet and take bags to rooms on bell carts. Before that I was a Barista in a Starbucks so I know how to make all kinds of awesome coffee drinks and I’ve also driven a taxi, but I don’t want to do that in San Francisco because I want to be robbed only once in a while and not every night.”

We urged Rhodester not to digress.

“Okay then, well.. I’ve worked in radio too. It’s been a long time though. I actually spun vinyl records and made like a DJ. I did a lot of audio production in those days on stuff called ‘tape,’ where we’d splice it with things called ‘razor blades.’ We did this in caves and then we’d go slay a mastodon for lunch.”

We asked Rhodester if he had any useful experience that applies to today’s job market.

“Um, I used to be a mime at SeaWorld. I made people laugh unless they were too cool to laugh at a mime, but I always knew they were laughing on the inside. My favorite bit was to scare the piss out of teenage girls by pretending to be a statue, then lunging at them when they got real close to try and figure out if I was real.”

We decided to focus our attention on coffeesister. “Why do you want to move to San Francisco?” we asked, as if it were any of our business. “Why not Portland or Eugene or San Diego?” (For the record, she snorted coffee out her nose when we said Eugene.)

“My family is closer to San Francisco than they are to Palm Springs. Nobody is close to Palm Springs.. just aliens and I’m tired of having to pull out those annoying implants after going for a walk in the desert at night.”

Coffeesister turns into a small boy when UFOs are around

We decided to turn our attention back to Rhodester. “We understand you’re leaving in a few days, with a cargo van full of your stuff. Do you have a place to stay in the city yet?”

“What fun would THAT be?” he asked with a whimsical smirk. “We’re going to just wing-it. You know.. go up there and see what happens. A year from now we may be taking Champagne baths in one of the claw-footed antique tubs in one of the numerous bathrooms of our Nob Hill mansion, or we may be peeing in a dark corner of a parking garage in the Mission district as we hustle change from terrified passers-by next to an adult emporium. We don’t know what the future holds, but we’re kind of hoping for something along the lines of the claw-footed tub.”

Coffeesister interjected, “I feel compelled to point out that something in-between would be totally okay with us. Like, not necessarily a mansion on Nob Hill but a room in the Tenderloin, with a regular tub without any feet at all, as long as it holds warm water. He doesn’t even like Champagne that much.. he was just kidding. We both like beer though, but don’t need to take a bath in it.”

We asked Rhodester if he’d be open to a job or place to stay, should anyone in San Francisco happen to read this all the way through.

Rhodester in a year“Sure!” he said, while standing up to comb doughnut crumbs from his chest hair. “I’m not really expecting anything, so it’d be quite a surprise if someone were to EMAIL ME or comment below, offering a job or a room to rent for a while.”

He returned the comb to his pocket after giving it a lingering sniff, then continued..

“Suggestions would be welcome too, like where we can get really nice claw-footed tubs or which alleys in the Mission district are best for peeing in, depending on how things go.”

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Karen Putz November 2, 2009 at 2:54 pm

Just think, when you both get fabulous jobs and that fabulous place to live, I’ll have a place to crash out west!
.-= Karen Putz´s brilliant blustering.. The American Sign Language Journey =-.

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2 RhodesTer November 2, 2009 at 3:01 pm

WILL WE HAVE TO LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE?

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3 RhodesTer November 2, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Sorry Karen, didn’t mean to shout.. :-P

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4 RhodesTer November 2, 2009 at 3:11 pm

And yes, you WILL have a place to crash and hopefully a claw-footed tub to bathe in.

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5 Pamela November 2, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Do you have to arrive with flowers in your hair? Or do they give those out when you reach the city limits?

Congrats! I hope this is a move toward some awesome opportunities for you both.
.-= Pamela´s brilliant blustering.. Review – Putting the Public Back in Public Relations =-.

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6 RhodesTer November 2, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Yes to both and thank you!

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7 peter dawes November 2, 2009 at 8:30 pm

i wish you both the best of luck with the move… and wish i could help out in some capacity. secretly, i’m a little jealous. if i didn’t have a very, very good reason for being here… *smiles softly at a certain special person*… i would be tempted to pick up stakes and join you. i loved san francisco.
.-= peter dawes´s brilliant blustering.. starlight and glitter =-.

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8 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:22 pm

You WILL visit though. Someday.

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9 peter dawes November 3, 2009 at 12:37 pm

yes, absolutely. i have another friend in the bay area as well, so i’m hoping i can venture out there sooner as opposed to later.
maybe for next year’s comic convention? hey, i can dream, right?
.-= peter dawes´s brilliant blustering.. starlight and glitter =-.

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10 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Of course you can dream.. that’s what we’re doing.

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11 Liz November 2, 2009 at 9:24 pm

You left your hearts there and you’re going back to get them and stay. Good for you!! Best Wishes!! Good Luck! I will see you in San Francisco! :-D
” Where little Cable Cars Climb Halfway To The Stars.”
” When I Come Home To You, San Franciso, Your Golden Sun Will Shine for Me.”

Tony Bennett Couldn’t have sung and said it any better!

Liz – Who will be closer to you!! :-D

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12 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Yep.. you WILL be closer, so we’ll see you more often? Like more than once every four years?

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13 Liz November 5, 2009 at 5:39 pm

YES!!! YOU WILL!!! SINCE THE DESERT/PALM SPRINGS IS SOO EXPENSIVE!!!! SAN FRANCISCO IS CHEAPER TO GET TO ESPECIALLY THESE DAYS.

Liz

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14 RhodesTer November 5, 2009 at 5:50 pm

CAPS LOCK is stuck again sweetie.. it’s over on the left next to the A.

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15 Liz November 5, 2009 at 6:50 pm

!!!!!!!!!! OOOPSS!!!! ooopss!! Sorry. ;-) :-) Didn’t mean to yell!

Liz

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16 Benia Zouras November 3, 2009 at 6:32 am

Keep smiling all the way to SF, guys! It’s all in the attitude. :)

P.S. If you’ve got a LinkedIn account, perhaps you can make your connections work for you with potential employers. Here’s mine:
http://www.linkedin.com/in/benia
.-= Benia Zouras´s brilliant blustering.. New Table Dressings – Part 2 =-.

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17 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:24 pm

I haven’t dropped in on my LinkedIn in awhile – thanks for the reminder, and thanks for the reminder to keep smiling! Good advice indeed.

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18 James Chartrand - Men with Pens November 3, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Okay. Dorian? I freakin’ LOVE that hat on you. That’s adorable. Wear that all the time, seriously. I’d pick up women with hats like that. If there were any around here, that is.

And… that picture of the house? While fantastic looking and yes, I’d almost want it, it oddly reminds me of that movie… Oh god, what was the name of it now…

PACIFIC HEIGHTS!

Ooh. Wasn’t that in San Fran too?

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19 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Why do you think I don’t let her wear that hat?

The house pictured is actually called “710 Ashbury,” which is the address. It’s a historic SF landmark because it’s where The Grateful Dead lived during the “summer of love” in Haight Ashbury in ‘68.

http://www.dead.net/archives/1967/photos/grateful-dead-other-s-f-bands-710-ashbury

Yes, Pacific Heights is a well known SF neighborhood and that house is famous now because of the film. Lot of famous houses there. Soon to be another famous writer there too, but he won’t be famous until after he’s dead.

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20 SwanShadow November 3, 2009 at 12:30 pm

It’s already too crowded here. But we’ll make an exception for the two of you. Welcome to the neighborhood.

And, if you want to describe yourselves as “wacky,” that’s definitely the right hat. You both need one, though, to really make it work.
.-= SwanShadow´s brilliant blustering.. What’s In My Pocket? #6: Zero Tolerance 0200 =-.

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21 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 12:32 pm

So, we’re going to meet-up sometime, right? Feel like a drive into the city after we’re established?

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22 karen lewis November 3, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Hi Dave and Dorian
When I heard you were packing up and moving to San Francisco my first thoughts were Where will you stay? How will you travel up there and Do you have work ?etc
I think it is a very brave thing you are both doing and if you both really want to do this and are keen to start a new life . It’s possible a new beginning could be around the corner for you both. Sometimes a change can be really good for us for a number of different reasons.
Just to let you know that we will be praying for you on your big adventure and wish you all the best. See you in San Fran.

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23 RhodesTer November 3, 2009 at 11:47 pm

It’s not so brave, Karen. We have nothing here and can’t answer any of those questions for Palm Springs. We need to leave this studio and I haven’t been able to get a job in a year of trying.

So we’re headed to greater opportunity. Public transit runs almost 24 hrs and goes almost everywhere. I find 300 job listings per day online. Dorian needs a free clinic – there’s no such thing in this area where the majority of residents are wealthy and the ones who aren’t are middle-class at worst.

I applied at Twitter today, because they’re based in downtown San Francisco. I probably won’t get it, but the point is that I applied for it and wouldn’t have been able to while living here.

It may or may not work out for the better, but we’re hoping! Thanks for your support and yes, we’ll see you there :-)

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24 HeadacheSlayer November 4, 2009 at 12:54 am

Besides Dorian’s hat, you know how I know you’re going to make it? Because of your humor. OK and your brilliant writing, but mostly the humor. It’s hard to look at tough times and laugh at them, let alone write something to make people laugh (which I appreciate, tough night, so thankyouverymuch).

Love to you both
xo
.-= HeadacheSlayer´s brilliant blustering.. 300 Dollar Gift Certificate for The Crafty Angel on ETSY.COM =-.

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25 RhodesTer November 4, 2009 at 1:54 am

Aww, thanks! You always have good things to say ;-) I’m glad I could make you laugh. Get me drunk someday, then fasten your seatbelt.

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