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Google Analytics

Up until a few years ago, I used a simple “hit counter” on my blog and before that, my website. It looked like this..

counter1

In a futile effort to not be boring, I used this style for a short time..

counter2

..note that it looks just like an LED display on stereo equipment but it counts hits to your website instead.

AWESOME, MAN!

These things were popular in the 90s, but all they really did was show people how many hits your website/blog had up to the moment, and that was an overall count.

These days I don’t have anything like that on this blog, because I don’t care for showing off how many visitors have accumulated. If you really want to know where this blog stands, you can always check with Technorati or look at its Google ranking, which is 3/10.. that’s not great but it beats being flogged in the public square with razor-sharp USB cables.

I now use Google Analytics, which not only shows you how many visitors you’ve had overall, but how many in the past whatever period of time you want to put in – like hours, days, weeks, months, etc – and it breaks it all down between page-views and hits, whether they’re unique (first-time) visitors or returning, yada yada yada, on and on and on.

It can get quite overwhelming, so I pay little attention to it. But I do like to visit the keyword section to see what keywords and phrases brought people to this blog in the first place. These are things people actually typed into a search box in order to find you, many of which don’t make sense – ask anyone who runs Google Analytics or a similar statistical analyzer and they’ll tell you the same thing.

Here is a sampling of mine, pasted directly from my Analytics display. Some of these will make sense to some of you long-time readers while others won’t make the least bit of sense, but people actually typed these phrases into Google, MSN, Yahoo or whatever and this blog somehow came up in the results.

“atrophic gastritis amphetamines”
(Haven’t a clue)

“barbie hitchcock”
(I once posted about Mattel putting out a Barbie doll designed around Hitchcock’s “The Birds” theme)

“ashley judd hard nipples video”
(Probably due to this.. sorry to disappoint)

“cats and dogs i be roll up here we go my shoulder”
(I couldn’t agree more, but have yet to post on the topic)

“hookers stand out which hotel”
(I wish I knew that myself)

“i got him at gun point”
(Based on what’s said just before the credits roll at the end of every “COPS” episode)

“inside a 13 year old girls panties”
( It’s crucial to my general well-being along with my over-whelming desire to stay out of prison to adamantly point out that one CANNOT find instructions for this, or illustrations, or any mention of the subject whatsoever at this blog)

“weird abe lincoln memorabilia”
(I have a pair of his socks and a signed copy of his last CD)

“why all iranians look like hookers”
(Iranians please take note that this is not something I personally believe)

“midget town palm springs”
(Probably referring to this story, which is odd because there aren’t any midgets in it)

“why do seagulls fly over the beach”
(I give up.. why? Are they looking for SANDwiches to go with their chips?)

“how to make a commercial ad”
(Haven’t a clue)

“adjectives that describe a poodle”
(Curly – Awesome – Yappy – Fun – Cute – Friendly)

“fat babies”
(I’m sure I touched on infant obesity at one point or another)

“helicopter 100000 usd”
(Sorry, too late.. I already sold it)

“i can’t login skype , it say maybe dammit for my computer”
(This is a good thing, especially if you were trying to Skype me)

“i use google to make my points”
(Me too!)

“introduction and thesis for rapunzel”
(Let down your hair and I’ll tell you all about it)

“just me and the sexy hooker”
(I can’t come?)

“kelly gut smack”
(I’ve never once smacked Kelly in the gut. Who’s Kelly?)

“kindle picard”
(No doubt looking for this)

“man with bath towel sit wipe”
(Wrong blog – go here)

“one two three breathe”
(Sound advice for anyone)

“picture of a poodle dressed as a hooker”
(Wrong blog – go here)

“similarity men and cat”
(There isn’t any.. give up)

“small world hate to paint it”
(Saying attributed to Stephen Wright and used in the title of this post)

“some 30 years ago,when morgan”
(Oh GOD, don’t leave me hanging! When Morgan WHAT?)

“trader joe’s hot moms”
(Looking for this.. hubba hubba!)

“why don’t older adults use twitter?”
(I use it.. so, eh? What’s that again, sonny? Speak up!)

snoring-old-man

RhodesTer on Twitter/Subscribe to this blog

Astor Chocolate

{ 2 comments }

MORE Iranian hookers.. everywhere..

by RhodesTer on October 2, 2008

Okay, so I have to say that I am SO not down with this whole SEO thing (Sex Engine Orgasm) and I know I’ve ranted about it before, but my latest find not only takes the cake, but eats it too and then barfs it out later all over my nice new shoes.

See, I use Google Analytics to keep track of activity on this blog, and Google Analytics is the perfect snitch – it tells me anything I need to know.  I wish I’d had Google Analytics in high school, to keep track of girls.

But never mind that.  I’m just getting SO TIRED of horny morons looking for “Iranian Hookers” or whatever, and visiting my blog for about three seconds because I did a stupid post a few friggin’ months ago where I talked about two Iranian girls who were guests at the hotel where I work, who just happened to dress like hookers.

I see visits to that post every day.  They never last more than five seconds, because horny morons aren’t interested in humor, so once they realize they aren’t going to get pictures of Iranian hookers or phone numbers or instructions or something, they bounce, leaving behind stats on my Google Analytics.

Yesterday was the one that made me pull out a clump of my hair, and trust me.. I can’t afford to be doing that sort of thing at my age, and it hurt.  Someone had actually Googled the entire phrase, “sexy videos of prostitutes in short skirts” and Google somehow sent them to The RhodesTer Chronicles.

I decided to do a little investigating, so I typed that phrase into my own Google search window and you know what?  This blog came up SEVENTH on the list!  ABOVE the fold!

SEVENTH!

WTF???

(NOTE- Since posting this, that same phrase now returns this blog in the # 1 AND #2 position.  *groan*)

Let me state right here and now, for the sake of readers such as my mother-in-law Phyllis, and that coffeesister person, and my vast array of female readers (all 4 of you) that I have NEVER, EVER posted videos of sexy prostitutes in short skirts to this blog.

The Google page points you to the Iranian hooker post (of course), but here’s what it says..

Sweet! Sexy! Iranian Hookers! — The RhodesTer Chronicles
- Oct 1
In short, short skirts with high-heel boots and fishnets? With overdone make-up and …. Or add a Video Comment. with. Seesmic Logo. « Back to text comment …
rhodester.net/sweet-sexy-iranian-hookers – 34k – Cached – Similar pages – Note this

I’m just describing what those girls were wearing!  And the video reference is because you can leave video comments on this blog!  (Did you know that, by the way?)  There are NO PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF SEXY IRANIAN HOOKERS!

The only conclusion that I can come to through all of this, is that despite ten years of development and billions of dollars earned and invested, that GOOGLE IS STILL DUMBER THAN A BAG OF HAMMERS.

NO.. make that SEXY, IRANIAN HAMMERS.

Geez Louise.

A Google scientist proudly displays the brand new search engine optimizer, built entirely from washing machine parts and the stuff left to them when Uncle Pat died.

BY THE WAY, if you came here looking for actual hookers or photos of hookers or videos of hookers, I’d hate to have you leave disappointed.. so buy some sexy shit..

RhodesTer on Twitter/Subscribe to this blog

Astor Chocolate

{ 6 comments }

Sex Engine Orgasm

August 11, 2008

I’m learning a lot about SEO (Sex Engine Orgasm). Mainly, that you want to put sex in there somewhere if you’d like to get a lot of hits to your blog.  They may not be meaningful hits, in that the people doing the hitting may not stay around and read your stuff, or click-thru on [...]

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