Sex Engine Orgasm

by RhodesTer on August 11, 2008

in Humor/Satire

I’m learning a lot about SEO (Sex Engine Orgasm). Mainly, that you want to put sex in there somewhere if you’d like to get a lot of hits to your blog.  They may not be meaningful hits, in that the people doing the hitting may not stay around and read your stuff, or click-thru on the ads you have posted and generate revenue for you.. but boy, do they come in droves if you just post something.. ANYTHING.. out there that hints at sex in the least little bit.

I’m basing this on my Google Analytics, which is telling me that a post I did a while back called “Sweet! Sexy! Iranian Hookers!” is STILL my most popular post, despite the fact that it’s not really about Iranian Hookers and it doesn’t have any dirty pictures, except for a pic of some alleged hookers allegedly standing around allegedly soliciting alleged sex (can’t be too careful these days).

It’s actually a real life story about these two Iranian girls I encountered at the hotel where I work, and how I thought they were hookers at first because of how they dressed, but they turned out to be just a couple of regular girls visiting Palm Springs who just happened to have trashy taste.

The cool thing about Google Analytics is it tells you how long visitors stay, along with where they come from and what their favorite colors are.  It also tells you what kind of cars they drive and there’s a WordPress plug-in where it’ll fetch information on what they had for lunch and order the same thing to be delivered to your door in 30 minutes or it’s free.

Turns out the visitors looking for actual Iranian Hookers don’t stay long. They read for a few seconds until they realize there’s no number given to actually ORDER a Sweet! Sexy! Iranian Hooker! and then they get into their Ford Ram trucks or Dodge Durangos to go have Pizza or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

But it’s still my most popular post.

This one will probably be my SECOND most popular in a week’s time..  I’ll let you know.

RhodesTer on Twitter/Facebook/Subscribe to this mess

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Karen Swim August 11, 2008 at 6:55 am

ROFL! I wonder what people will think of our culture when they look back on it 10 years from now. LOL! You don’t even have to say sex, talk about underwear and you will skyrocket to the top. Gee, who’da thunk dirty old men would be the secret to Google juice. :-)

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2 RhodesTer August 11, 2008 at 7:01 am

{seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/s6XTTvarlj_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:” ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/aGzB7SyQqr”}}}

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3 Scott August 11, 2008 at 7:06 am

For me the biggest search engine hit has been for Settlers of Catan (an awesome board game). So if you mention Settlers of Catan on a blog post or perhaps if a commetor were to mention Settlers of Catan you’d get some hits, but they wouldn’t stick around long since you don’t actually play Settlers of Catan.

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4 RhodesTer August 11, 2008 at 7:13 am

Was that SETTLERS OF CATAN?

Never heard of it.

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5 Karen Swim August 11, 2008 at 7:14 am

Hey, you’re too young to be a dirty old man. ;-)

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6 RhodesTer August 11, 2008 at 7:17 am

Not according to the girl who works at the Coffee Bean on Saturday mornings.

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7 DirtyLaundryDiva August 11, 2008 at 11:51 am

I know, I did some HNT (half nekkid thursday) posts and man did my viewers skyrocket! Lots of dirty old men viewing that page.

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8 RhodesTer August 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm

Hmm.. missed that one.

So, I’M NOT! YAY!!

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9 Karen Putz August 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm

Well, that “o” word got me all hot and bothered when I first saw it. I dove into your post. Came out completely dissatisfied.

;)

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10 RhodesTer August 12, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Aw, I’m sorry Karen.. but thanks for the winky.

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11 Kimota August 12, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Sad as it may seem, this is really true and works whether you intend it to or not. One of the most popular posts on my blog is still Sex, Blogs and Screenwriting. It’s about Diablo Cody’s rise to Holywood stardom and how she used sex to build a poular blog name that opened doors for her. Ironically, in talking about Diablo, I end up with a post using sex to boost my blog in much the same way.

Even sadder, currently the number one post on my blog is How to Become a Superhero. It receives more search engine traffic than anything else, from people seriously searching using the phrase ‘how to become a superhero’ or variants thereof. So I don’t only have perverts, I have stupid people.

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12 RhodesTer August 12, 2008 at 6:15 pm

{seesmic_video:{“url_thumbnail”:{“value”:”http://t.seesmic.com/thumbnail/P2K2Q0cwqQ_th1.jpg”}”title”:{“value”:” ”}”videoUri”:{“value”:”http://www.seesmic.com/video/QEkrTtJqbH”}}}

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13 Kimota August 12, 2008 at 6:44 pm

Wow, that was… unexpected. Artichokes and Entrecard. Hmmm.

Yup, Entrecard is great for discovering new blogs (hence yours) while also boosting that high-bounce traffic as well as people flick through to drop and go.

As for Kimota, it’s the magic word uttered by Mike Moran to transform him into Miracle Man. You are right that the ’sex traffic’ and even the ‘I want to learn how to be a superhero’ traffic are almost always disappointed by what they find, meaning conversions (getting them to stick around or subscribe) are terribly low. It has produced some interesting comments though as one reader complained (with expletives, so it didn’t get published) my superhero article was stupid because it was poking fun and didn’t give him any real advice.

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14 Karen Swim August 12, 2008 at 6:56 pm

I was shutting down for the night when I spotted Kimota’s comment in my email. I read and after laughing hysterically I had to come back and comment. I can barely stop laughing to type…people really want to know how to become a super hero? ROFL! And the perverts and stupid people sent me over the edge. Thanks for the end of the night laugh. OMG…yea, you really can be a superhero. ROFL!!!

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15 RhodesTer August 12, 2008 at 7:07 pm

Kimota (aka JC) – Wow, that commenter would HATE my blog, since I pretty much do nothing BUT poke fun and seldom if ever give real advice.

Karen (aka foxy lady) – You’ve never wanted to be a super hero? I’d like to be made of invisible gum, so I could stretch but not be seen.. and taste good too.

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16 Karen Swim August 12, 2008 at 7:16 pm

JC, Ha! Are you kidding, of course! Leaping buildings, flying, stopping time, not to mention that all female superheroes wear kick butt boots. I happen to love boots! I’ve been known to blog about boots and Wonder Woman. In fact, you’ve now inspired a super hero post, so thanks! ;-)

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17 Kimota August 12, 2008 at 7:23 pm

Snigger, I know! Gave me hours of entertainment that one. I get a few clicks every day from Google from people asking how to become like Spider-Man or how to fight crime. I’m not kidding. They’re not asking ‘what was Spider-Man’s origin story”, which I could understand, but “How to…”

It is so tempting to come up with some other posts to really mine this topic… ;-)

“How to sew a super-hero costume in lycra on a budget?”
“How to leap off tall buildings without death!”
“How to get arrested as a fetish-suit wearing vigilante loitering outside banks.”

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18 RhodesTer August 12, 2008 at 7:32 pm

JC, you should meet my friend Chris, “The Hollywood Superman”.. I think I still have his phone number.. he’d make a good interview subject. He’s referenced HERE, but don’t tell him what I said, for obvious reasons.

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19 Melissa Donovan August 16, 2008 at 1:27 am

This is hilarious. I don’t think it hurts one bit to sex up our blogs a little. After all, there’s a reason why the word sex gets so much traffic…

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20 RhodesTer August 16, 2008 at 2:10 am

I’m SEX not SEX sure SEX I SEX agree SEX with SEX you SEX Melissa.

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21 Nadine Touzet August 16, 2008 at 1:54 pm

I once wrote a post entitled ‘What does it mean to be a French woman?’ in which I was seriously questioning cultural stereotypes. This post still gets lots of hits, via google searches like: ‘French women, what are they like?’ or my favorite (seen it ’several times):’Why are French women mean?’
LOL

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22 RhodesTer August 16, 2008 at 9:57 pm

Why ARE French women mean, Nadine? Especially Fifi! She borrowed some brie and never gave it back!

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