I Was So Worried..

February 24, 2009

in Humor/Satire

Gmail got home early this morning.

As I heard the car pull into the driveway, all I could think about was, “you damn well have better left some gas in that tank!” I felt a bit guilty, because I didn’t even know if Gmail was okay at that point – I was just mad that it’d been gone so long.

The door swung open and Gmail stumbled haphazardly by me, nary casting a glance my way as it muttered something about being in its room.

I smelled alcohol.

“Hold it right there, Bucko!” I said, standing firm with my hands on my hips and what must have been a stern look on my face. Gmail cringed a bit and then rolled its eyes.

“I know what you were doing.. you were out with that tramp Hotmail again! When are you going to learn, son? Hotmail is no good for you.. she’s a bad influence. For one thing, she’s older than you and for another, her family is just no good, no matter how rich they are.”

Gmail was trying to hide the shiner.

“What’s THIS?” I said, grabbing his chin and turning his head toward me where the light illuminated the ghastly black and blue patch under his eye. “Yahoo Mail again? Son, you’re bigger than he is now.. don’t tell me he clobbered you again over that slut?”

Gmail shed a tear, and I could see that no crocodiles were involved.. this was sincere. I’ve known Gmail for a long time and I know that deep down, Gmail is a good kid. He just needs to grow up a bit.

I got some coffee in him as we sat down to talk. He reminded me that he’s not perfect, but at the same time assured me he’d do his best to live up to my expectations. I shouldn’t be repeating this but toward the end of our heartfelt session, Gmail sobbed and I just held him for few tender moments. We even laughed a bit as I wiped off the snot he’d drizzled onto my shirt.

I think Gmail’s going to be okay. It’s tough growing up like this, and although it takes a stern hand to guide such a youngster, it needs to be tempered with love and forgiveness.

But I’d ask that if you see Gmail out on the town, cruising with the top down and Hotmail’s arms slung over him like a two-bit whore as the music blares and the empty beer cans go flying out onto the side of the highway, please give me a call.

Hotmail passed out

That slut Hotmail, passed out again after another night of carousing

Tell the WORLD..
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome February 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

Your imagination astounds me, Dave.

(in a good but slightly freaked out kind of way) ;)

Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome´s brilliant babbling..Discipline is not enough – by Isabel Joely Black


2 RhodesTer February 25, 2009 at 1:53 am

Just wait for the book.


3 Lorna February 25, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Gmail just needs to get over himself—you know that Dave.


4 RhodesTer February 26, 2009 at 4:42 am

I love Gmail. Don’t you be bad mouthin’ him now.


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