Greetings from Wyoming

by RhodesTer on August 5, 2009

in Humor/Satire, The BEST of tRc

Today’s guest post is from an alternate universe Rhodester who is seven dimensions over to the southern parallel, in a quantum tangent at 5.3948-7 degrees. They type with their noses.

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Greetings!

It’s a wonderful day here in Wyoming. As I look out over the white crested waves and watch the ships moored in our harbor sway gently back and forth, I just can’t help but soak in the energetic hustle and bustle that makes living in our nation’s capitol so exhilarating. I know it’s going to be better than yesterday because my sister, Alligem Floidius Rhodester, was hit by a bus while up on her roof polishing the fluke stacks. She never ducks in time, but the stupid driver was flying too low so I think there’s a lawsuit in the making. That’s good, because she could really use the sand.

She’s okay though, since she lives near a good restoration clinic and they were able to restore her head and right arm (she had raised it up to fend off the bus and it got caught in the intake.) She looks even better now after having spent fifteen minutes in rejuvenation. She bears an uncanny resemblance to Congresswoman Ellen DeGeneres, who, let’s face it, is really quite attractive. I know there’s this whole uproar about the Playdude spread she did, but she WAS wearing a couple of fashion tires for modesty, being a Congresswoman and all.

So, Alligem is going to be just fine, and they say her sight should come back today at around two in the afternoon, Bakersfield time. This is good because I do NOT want to have to go feed those damn banana-worms of hers. People say they’re cuddly, but I think they smell like paper towels soaked in stale French Roast.

Speaking of Bakersfield, Whiskeysister and I are thinking of going there on vacation next month, that is if we don’t get another gang load of Scottish Highland Shepherds into the hotel. They may be from the most powerful nation in the world but they sure are slobs, and they don’t tip AT ALL. I get so tired of having to scrape goat-skin condoms off of lampshades.

So, we chose Bakersfield not only because it has such a beautiful ski resort, but because President Lewis is speaking there next month. He’s quite entertaining when giving his state of the union address on BoobToob, but there’s just nothing like a live show. All those years with Dean really paid off, so when he went solo he was, in my opinion, the top comic in the business.

I absolutely love the 56th amendment to our beloved constitution that states “only a professional comedian can hold the office of the Presidency of the United States of Amherista.” We all know that was designed to bring levity to the office, and to help us all to lighten up on world affairs.

PresidentLewis

Who didn’t love that moment when he pulled a rubber chicken out of Kim Jong Eels ear? North Korea is thinking of letting us adopt them as a state based on that move alone. Plus they freed Bill Clinton!

I’m still kind of sad over the passing of that legendary newsman, Michael Jackson. I’ll never forget his reaction (whoo!) when men first walked on the third moon. I’ve been trying to cheer myself up lately by watching Walter Cronkite videos and it’s working. What a performer he was! He grabbed his crotch a little too often for my taste, but his famous “Chiller” video, wherein he turns into a raccoon and eats his girlfriend’s feet, is simply the best.

I have to run to the store in a bit and stock up on whiskey for whatzername. I hate that you can only buy it in cube form and have to microwave each one into a glass. Seems like I do that for her all day long. At least there’s Twatter to keep me entertained. I have 2,498,387 friends now, but I lost one yesterday when I twatted “Sinatra is going to WIN Amheristan Idol.” I know some people don’t like him because of the extra arms protruding from his head and torso, but he’s a helluva singer if you just close your eyes and don’t watch all the flailing.

Well, the rift is getting fuzzy so that means it’s going to close any second now. Thanks to my boring counterpart, Rhodester, for letting me come on and say hi to you today. If the rift opens again anytime soon and you come to visit, could you bring some beer and sand? Both are like gold here, because sand is our currency and we use beer to bathe our elf-slaves.

Thanxxzzs!

**…ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzT!…**

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Raymond August 5, 2009 at 10:59 am

Outstanding. I enjoyed every word!

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2 RhodesTer August 5, 2009 at 11:00 am

Going there on your next vacation?

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