June 14, 2010

in Esteemed Guests, Humor/Satire

X3lph the reddish..a message from X3lph the reddish, translated from Pleiaden dialect using a snorfdrum.

Peoples of what you call Earth, this must serve to notify you that we have deposited the one you call Rhodester upon your soil once again after the fifth or perhaps seventh round of testing and extraction and more testing, followed by one more extraction and then a final test.

We say fifth or seventh due in part to the different numerical system we use which is based on ones and twos, but also we lost count on a previous attempt when Rhodester briefly regained consciousness and started telling stories.

This message of notification is in response to the outcry voiced by many Earth peoples when it was discovered that Rhodester was not among you, which was one or two of your Earth calendar “weeks” ago, but we lost count because, once again, he regained consciousness. We have since discovered that he has a strong resilience when it comes to the blood of the Moof worm, but we have since rectified the problem by assuring he stays under with the simple act of whacking him on the head with a Glubian mallet whenever his eyes start to flutter open. No more stories, yay!

It was said during the previously mentioned outcry that we should have provided notice of another invitation of Rhodester (you say “abduction,” we say “invitation”.. potato, po-tah-toh) but first of all that stipulation is not in the original Eisenhower contract with your peoples, which your president Dwight signed in his own blood ( a requirement of ours) and second, why should we notify you of anything when in the blink of his third eye our High Commander Xer8lts could annihilate the populace of your pathetic planet?

Just so you know, and not to alarm you or anything, there has been much more urgent insistence from the high counsel that he do so as of late, given the frequency of unfortunate occurrences that seem to indicate you as a people are bent on the destruction of your lovely home.

Seriously, why doesn’t someone do something about that damned oil spill? We could have easily rectified it, but it’s against our constitution of minimal interference so we just let your leaders bicker on and point fingers (as short as they are, which we find laughable) while we sit here in our twirling little ships, watching with horror.

Granted, we would like to inherit a pristine planet someday, but it appears not to be, due to our own stupid benevolence toward you “ten percenters” (a reference to the amount of brain you use, which we also find laughable).

But I digress, for which I offer apology. I just get emotional when I think of one day treading upon your fare planet after the transportation of the remnants of the human race to the internment camp on our fourth moon (or possibly seventh) in late 2012, and having to sludge along through black goo while smelling the carcasses of dead and rotting animals.

This began as simply a notification of the return of Rhodester, and it shall finish as such, with a thank you thrown in out of benevolence and good will. We are glad you let us “borrow” him (potato, etc.) for we are now that much closer to developing a serum that will enable us to communicate telepathically with our domesticated house pets, thanks to the unique DNA structure of Rhodester’s brain.

We feel that he should be back to blogging in fine form by tomorrow, which is your Tuesday (or Thursday) once the Glubian headache wears off.

Forever yours, or more honestly, the other way around after 2012,

X3lph the reddish

RhodesTer on Twitter/Facebook/Subscribe to this mess

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Raymond June 14, 2010 at 10:45 am

Once I tried to find a Glubian mallet at Home Depot. It was a special order and not readily available in our time zone.


2 RhodesTer June 14, 2010 at 4:05 pm

The Home Depot on Pliteses-4 has an entire section of mallets, Glubian and otherwise. Just watch out for the Snirkduffles in the parking lot who try to get you to hire them illegally, there are Massanian Conflict Agents who keep an eye on that shit and they’ll arrest you in a heartbeat. They use toe cuffs. You don’t want that.


3 heather gardner June 14, 2010 at 11:52 am

That picture is sick… I shouldn’t read your blog with lunch again…


4 RhodesTer June 14, 2010 at 4:06 pm

He’s one of the elders of the clan. I think he’s about seventy four light years old, and yes, I KNOW that’s a distance to us but to them it’s an age. I haven’t figured it out either.


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