A beginner’s guide to the alcoholic content of beer

April 13, 2010

in Humor/Satire,The BEST of TRC

Samuel Adams LogoAs an experienced consumer of fine beer, I am more than abundantly qualified to educate beginners on the merits of such, with the topic of alcoholic content being a favorite of mine.

This is due to the numerous debates I’ve been privileged to engage in with various associates while seated at the local tavern, with the subject consistently drifting to this topic whenever some innocent newcomer would wander in and place an order for an Amstel Light.

Our small yet hearty group is, for the most part, made up of Samuel Adams drinkers with the exception of Seamus, who is a Guinness man. The poor, unsuspecting rapscallion who dares to order an Amstel is bound to be the recipient of merciless teasing for assorted reasons such as the rather bland taste of the product and the lack of creativity in the labeling, but mostly for the slight alcoholic content of 3.5 for which Amstel Light is famous.

On this day, I have decided to abstain from my usual tavern session and pick up a 12-pack of Samuel Adams Boston Lager for home consumption. No sooner had I twisted the top off my first libation of the evening and logged on, did I find this chance to write on a topic that familiarity holds out in front of my face to taunt me, as one would taunt a dog with a pork chop.

This is not a chance to be passed up, as I’m in the unique position to consume the beer as I write and, having decided to do so already, I’ve taken the liberty of finishing off the first one just after completion of the first paragraph and shall now break to complete the second of many yet to come. As a personal investigation for the sake of journalistic integrity and accuracy, I shall consume one Samuel Adams per paragraph, making this a virtual measurement of the alcoholic content of beer and the effects thereof.

That is some NICE beer, that Samuel Adams! I’ve just completed the second and can hardly notice the alcoholic content of 4.8 like the label says, but it’s a smooth beer with a great finish meaning that the after taste is lingering, yet not harsh in any way. The label also says there are 160 calories per serving and, although I didn’t see any in the bottle, I’m sure I’m still going to have to run an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill tomorrow to burn that off.

Granted, I wouldn’t have to be concerned with the caloric content of the Amstel light but you’d be hard pressed to find me buying any of that stuff to bring home. I shall examine the label further now as I consume the next one.

The label says that they only use the finest of ingredients,like two row barley and german noble aroma hops. I always thought Sam Adams was an American beer and that there weren’t any germans in it or their hops, but that’s okay because we’ve made up since the war and I’m somewhat of a German expert because I dated a pretty blond Germerman girl named Inga. She was a great cook, having studied in France, which seems weird but you forget that when you dig in to her Bratwurst Crepes. Inga and I dated for a few months but broke it off when I found her in bed with Ramone.

He was that fashion photographer she met at Steve’s party and couldn’t stop talking about at which point I was sure it was over because I saw the way she looked at him. Also I see by the old grammatical structure that it’s time for another beeeer yay!.. lucky me!

The alcoholic content ofbeer is something that shouldn’t be ignored, because if you have too many of the beers and drive a car or something you could get hurt or hurt someone else so that is why I always have a designed driver or I just sit at home and drink my beers like tonight. I think there is a Seinfeld rerun on and it’s my favorite episode, where jerry and his friends see how long they can go without sex, but this topic is important so I am going to stick with this until Irun out of the beer.

I have this to say about old Sam Addams, and that’s that it’ss a heavy beer that has lot of calories and so I’m feeling a little full but I enjoy the taste so much and this topic is worth persuing. I’m just glad this isn’t Amstel light you know what I mean? Because the light is lighter and won’t have the same affect as the Adams will when you’ve finished, expecially if you’re trying to make a point or something. I don’t have a dog but a pork chop would be really good right now.

Inga was a good cook and I don’t think I’ve dated a girl since then who could cook like that especially not lately. She made an omelltte one time that had eggs and stuff in it but she didn’t tell me the rest, she said just eat it and see, and so I did! It was delicious and I think it had some real crab meat and some kind of cheese maybe french cheese like bree or somthing. I’m getting hungry talking about all this. A pork chop ommelette would not bebad at all.

I took along break that time because I had to have chips and dip with a sandwich with my last beer because all that talk about Inga cooking made me so hungry and stuff. I really miss her. I was sure she loved me because I loved her but I guess she likes fashion and photogophers better then me. Irony of all that is I was going to be a photographer at first because I was on staff of my high school yearbook so every picture in there is mostly ones I took but why would she care about that this many years later?

Beer has alcoholic comment enough so that you like drinking it and if you have more then you should then you don’t care because you don’t even know how many beers you had like after a few you had. I had about 4 I think but maybe more who is counting anyway? I think now Iwill make it 5 and themn type more comments about alcohol and Inga and pork shops.

I really really really reallyreally really miss inga and Ithink I am going togo call her now if I can find her mumber. I threw it out long time ago but I think I can find it if its not in the trash. I can gooogle it if that dosnt work or call Ramone haha! I bet he has it because he got it at that party that night.

Don’t go telling me she didn’t give it to him because shedid and later she gave him lot more than that. I think if I see him Im going to kick his you know what. I bet mister big shot fashion photogerper never had a fight in his life. I bet if I knock his teeth out he thinks twice next time before telling pretty german grls that they make good models so let him shoot them. We will see who gets shot, RAMOOOOOOOOOOOONE

Her number was still in myphone! I took it out but forgot I left in in there incase I wanted to call her sometime. I called it and she did not answer it was some stupid lady name janet who said she do not know inga and I had the wrong number STUPID LADY!!!! I think she was ingas roommate.

Now Im really sorry I quit smoking because I really really want a cigartit.

I think Iam getting rally full of the beeers and it would help if inga were here but she is not so Ithink im going to watch tv now is jerry is still on. I will finish this later if I remember it.  Ihave to find the remote but I cant remember if where it is where I had it. I cant fine it so never mind I  will have the last more beer and do another pargraph to talk about alclohic comtest of poke shops and inga cooking ombullets

I am going bed now byee thanks for riding my artclue

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Brian September 20, 2007 at 8:24 pm

Wow, I think with a few beers you may qualify as a writer for the Reedley Exponent!


2 Rhodester September 23, 2007 at 4:20 am

The “Reedley Exponent”.. ah, yes! Isn’t that the newspaper with the offices right next to the liquor store?


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