Dorian The Hurricane

This week, I am married to a hurricane. Her name is Dorian.

This is her.

We’ve been together for 30 years, married for 29, and I knew she was a hurricane all along. But other people weren’t aware of that until a few days ago when we heard of a “tropical storm” brewing off the Bahamas that the weather people named “Dorian.”

That’s when the jokes started to fly.

This is the hurricane called ‘Dorian’ which, as you can see, bears little resemblance to the woman I’m married to, except for the pretty colors.

storm map; overview of the hurricane

It’s one of those sensitive things that you feel bad having a laugh over. Though we feel even worse because it’s built up in power and, as of last night, it was rated a category 4, which is ONE BIG HONKING HURRICANE.

When this thing hits Florida, property will be destroyed, and people will perish so, yeah, not funny at all.

It wasn’t so bad at first because it was just a baby hurricane, which is what they mean by a ‘tropical storm.’ It looked as though it would swirl around for a while and growl at Puerto Rico, but then blow away.

Well, it scooted right on by Puerto Rico while dousing those poor souls with some extra heavy rain. Now it’s zooming in on Florida and it doesn’t look good.

When this thing first popped up in the news, and we all found out they’d named it “Dorian,” a friend of ours said he has a friend named “Katrina” who went to the great length of changing her name in 2005.

So, I said, “You mean, you had a friend named ‘Katrina’ until 2005?”

Yeah, that’s it. I don’t know what her name is now, but Dorian is certainly not going to change her name because of this event, even though it’s looking as though it will go down in history.

I must admit I’d have a good laugh if my friend informed me that his friend changed her name from ‘Katrina’ to ‘Dorian,’ in which case I’d be like, ‘WHOOPS! HAHA!’

The truth is, no matter how much you try not to laugh, if you have someone in your life who they suddenly name a hurricane after, you’re going to just have to snicker now and then at headlines like this one from GIZMODO:

E-Scooters Pulled From Miami Streets to Avoid ‘Scooternado’ During Hurricane Dorian

I can personally attest that the Dorian I know doesn’t like E-scooters at all, and she’d never be able to ride one due to her disability. She wouldn’t want me riding one either because, at my age, I’d hit a pothole and crack my skull open.

So that headline ends up kind of funny.

As a tour guide in San Francisco, I meet people from all over the world on a daily basis, including many from Florida. I don’t personally know anyone who lives there, but I picture families I’ve met over the years and I hope they’ll be okay.

Last year I met some dude traveling with his brother, and they lived in Tampa. I was telling my guests about our frequent earthquakes out this way, and I told them how we get micro-quakes on a daily basis, so small they only register on the seismic things but you don’t notice them.

I jokingly asked the guy if they get ‘micro-hurricanes’ in Florida and, without missing a beat, he said, “Yeah man, they’re called ‘breezes,’ they’re wonderful!”

I’m thinking that earthquake scientists should start naming earthquakes with human names, just like the weather scientists do with hurricanes, except for the obvious lack of warning you get, so it’d be like, “Dang, this building is falling down around us, so let’s name this one ‘DAVE.’”

Yeah, they can see hurricanes days in advance, and they name them while they’re still baby hurricanes tropical storms, and many don’t really make the news because they just dissolve into sheets of rain and bluster without a whole lot of harm.

Sadly, this isn’t the case with that dastardly DORIAN.

Earthquakes don’t work that way at all, they come up fast and kick you in the butt with very little warning, so I’m glad we don’t get them as often as Florida gets hurricanes, at least the big ones.

They always name them after their epicenter, in other words, where they originate. The last really big one we had here in the San Francisco area was called the “Loma Prieta,” which was a 6.9 in 1989, originating in Loma Prieta, California, and rippling through our city seconds later.

Perhaps we should do what the earthquake scientists do, and start naming humans after their place of birth. If that were the case, I’d be ‘Stockton,’ and I’d be married to a gal named ‘Hayward.’”

“Stockton and Hayward” sounds more like an intersection though, as if a cop just pulled someone over but they have a gun, so he yells into his radio, “I NEED BACKUP AT STOCKTON AND HAYWARD RIGHT NOW!”

Or you’re new in town and ask someone where the nearest Starbucks is. “Oh, that’s at Stockton and Hayward, but watch out for the man with the gun.”

I’d imagine that after arresting the man with the gun at Stockton and Hayward, the cop and his backup cops would probably take a break at the Starbucks, at Stockton and Hayward.

So yeah, no, that wouldn’t work at all for people names.

But when it comes to hurricanes they use people names, and this week I’m stuck being married to a ‘Dorian,’ but I actually feel more sorry for her. She’s out doing things today and she’s going to meet new people while doing those things, and she’s going to introduce herself as ‘Dorian,’ and they’ll say, “OH! HAHA!” and she’ll be like, “I know, right?”

I wonder how many people today will tell her to “go easy on Florida.” I’ll ask her tonight how many did.

I’d bet pretty much all of them will/did.

Florida, hang in there. Prepare for the worst, we out here in California only wish you the best.

Especially my wife, Dorian.

My wife, Dorian, in Muir Woods

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