How To Keep From Being Suspended On FaceTwitterBook

That Saucy Wench, Felicia Day

A few months back I was suspended on Twitter for referring to actress Felicia Day as a “saucy wench.”

I found this to be a bit odd for several reasons:

  2. The term “saucy wench” is olde English that basically describes a “spirited young woman,” so it’s difficult to comprehend that anyone would take offense at something that could also be interpreted as a compliment.
  3. Have you seen the tweets put out by our “president”? MY GOD. I’m talking about the same “president” who tweets offensive barbs at people all day long while not being suspended one itty bitty bit.
  4. “President” is in quotes because we all know he’s not really, and soon the nightmare will hopefully end.
And I’m not even a fan of Mitt Romney

Perhaps It’s kind of like all this debate about how our “president” cannot be charged for a crime because he happens to be “president,” but congress can impeach him and just might do so.

Perhaps Twitter can’t suspend him because he’s the ‘president,” but maybe they could impeach him. This would be the world’s very first “tweetpeachment,” which will set a future precedent thanks to our current “president.”

Asinine “presidential” tweets aside, I was caught by surprise when I got a suspension notice after calling Ms. Day a “saucy wench” because it was meant in fun and I really thought she’d have a laugh over it, given the wildly humorous work she has done on her web-series “The Guild,” and other projects.

The suspension wasn’t for a period of time, it just requested that I remove the “offending tweet” and said my account would be restored afterward, so that’s what I did. They made it really easy by dangling the “offending tweet” right in front of me, under the notice that said I was suspended. I clicked on the part that said “DELETE TWEET” and my account was magically restored.

I realize that my tweet to Felicia Day could possibly be seen as offensive to someone, but only if they’d just arrived from the year 1540.

I really try not to be offensive to anyone on Twitter or elsewhere. I refrain from name-calling, blaming, put-downs and other things designed to hurt someone, no matter who they are, and yes that includes the current bloviating ball of pus we call our “president.”

Some friends and associates of mine aren’t quite as reserved, and they seem to be fine with all of that, so I want to stress that I’m just talking about my output and not anyone else’s. If you engage in that kind of thing, knock yourself out, you’re at the helm of your ship and I’m just a passenger on your vessel, standing near a lifeboat in case our relationship hits an iceberg.

Now, if someone digs down in my Twitter Stream they may be able to call me a hypocrite, given that I’ve done this type of thing before, so if that’s you, you needn’t bother. I’m just trying to practice restraint, and I’m finding more and more success at it as I go on.

I’m telling you right now, I’ve been on Twitter for a decade and if you dig deep enough you’ll find something that goes entirely against what I’m saying in this post.

My point is, I’m making an effort to refrain from hostility online – even in fun – as I see what all the hateful rhetoric is bringing forth in our social media world and real life. It’s gotten fairly out of hand, so I just don’t want to add to that bleak, dark noise any longer.

I don’t think my “saucy wench” tweet was reported by anyone. I doubt Felicia Day herself even saw it, given that she’s a celebrity person with a bazillion more followers than I have, and it’s impossible for a person to read through their entire comment threads when they get to that level.

No, I think it was some kind of twitter spider/bot that has the term “saucy wench” programmed into it, and it caught my tweet in a web and sucked the blood out of it before it made me apologize so that I could retrieve the corpse.

You see, I was going to suggest that we all switch to Shakespearean insults, because they were all written over four hundred years ago and they tend to be hilarious, but not so modernly edgy that they’d flag a contemporary spider/bot.

For example, this one would work really well for our current “president”…

“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”

Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4

But then it occurred to me that the term “saucy wench” is olde English itself, going back to Shakespeare’s time and used by many authors and poets over the years following the Bard’s reign.

So if THAT got me suspended, either by a spider/bot or a time-traveler visiting from the year 1540 who took “offence,” then maybe using olde English would still result in thou being suspendedeth on thine Twitters.

So, if you really must blurt out nick-names and insults because you’re angry, gotch-dargnit, and you just can’t help it, I have a suggestion that stems from a real-life solution I started using some years ago, which will hopefully save you from account suspension.

A few months ago I was helping with a group of high school kids visiting from the UK, and one of the young men in the group said a curse word, so an adult chaperone chided him in front of the group, saying, “We’ve talked about your swearing, if I hear one more incident from you you’re looking at a suspension when we get home, and your parents will be notified. Is that what you want?”

The kid looked really down, so I got him aside later and said, “Look man, if you’re ever tempted to swear in front of your teachers and other kids, just make up a word or two. Don’t use the f-bomb, it just gets you in trouble! Say something like, ‘those doodling willywhackers!’ You want to use words that won’t get you suspended.”

He liked that advice and said he’d give it a go, so my suggestion here is to employ the same approach on social media so that one doesn’t get suspendedeth on Twittereth.

Try this:

That president of ours is such a faddidle whacker, he doesn’t know his grufenfigle from a coal mine! I’d like to stuff a brandiboot into hiskoodling and see if he can still swing after that!”

So yeah, just make up words that sound like olde English and let people assume you’re some kind of Shakespearean scholar when really, you’re just creative and most importantly, you still have a working account wherein you can berate bad people with nonsense yet still get your point across.

That’s all for now. I just hope that splitzy fegannite, Felicia Day, sees this!

I adore her biddles.

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