Blackmail, And Other Fun Stuff

Vintage-style comic frame with a worried couple staring at something as the man says, “Great Scott! It‘s another message of doom!”

I noticed a phun little phishing scam in my Gmail spam folder the other day and, given how common spam and phishing are, I wouldn’t be posting about it here if it weren’t so unique and hadn‘t come with an interesting twist or two.

First of all, this is a really old Gmail address that I no longer use. I literally created the account the first month Gmail was launched by Google, which was April of 2004.

I have a main Gmail account I created five years ago, which I use for almost everything, and a writer’s account I created last year. I haven’t used the 2004 account in ages but I check it once in a while, plus there are things archived there that I want to keep.

Okay, so I looked at the spam folder and this line caught my attention:

“I know XrLphht is one of your passwords.”

I’ve obviously redacted the actual password because the spammer/phisher/hacker person is right, it’s a password I used often, but no longer do. So, it’s not actually “XrLphht.” If you want to use “XrLphht,” feel free, but I wouldn’t advise it.

The fact that someone knew that password was enough for me to look at the whole thing, so I clicked. With the exception of the old password, this is unedited and I’m sharing it with you now for the sheer entertainment value.


I know ‘XrLphht’ is one of your passwords. Lets get directly to the purpose. None has compensated me to check about you. You don’t know me and you are most likely wondering why you’re getting this e-mail?

Well yeah, okay, you got the password right. And now I know no one is paying you to check on me. GO ON..

actually, i placed a malware on the xxx videos (adult porn) web site and there’s more, you visited this web site to experience fun (you know what i mean). When you were viewing videos, your web browser began working as a Remote control Desktop with a key logger which provided me with access to your screen and webcam.

OH! How clever! Now, I’m not one to tell you how to do things, Mr. or Ms. Spammer/Hacker/Phisher, given how you’re obviously so adept at skimming ancient passwords, but if you’re going to make blackmail believable (yes, this turns into blackmail, so I’m not sure ‘phishing’ really applies), shouldn’t you be a bit more specific?

HEY, not my place, I know! But were I the one blackmailing someone I’d think it’d be more effective to actually name the site, give time, porn actors and so on. “I saw you watching Stormy Daniels slick up a dildo on YouPorn last Wednesday at 2:00 am!”

JSYK, this is hypothetical. I’ve never seen Stormy Daniels slick up a dildo on YouPorn or anywhere else, and last Wednesday at 2:00 am I was watching Blue Angels ride-along vids on YouTube. I really like those!

But please, continue…

Right after that, my software collected your entire contacts from your Messenger, Facebook, as well as e-mailaccount. Next i made a video. 1st part displays the video you were watching (you have a nice taste haha . . .), and next part shows the recording of your web cam, yeah it is you. 

Well, okay. Glad you identified that it’s me, given how you know me so well. But again, “nice taste?” In what? There’s gay porn, bestiality, fantasies, role-play, bondage, and the list goes on but I attempt to keep this blog at PG-13, so I’ll quit there.

I’m just saying it’d be more effective to say something like, “Wow, that girl looks great in the maid outfit and I can’t believe she took on three other girls and a horse!”

I feel like I might have lost some of you at this point, so I’ll just go on now, after stressing SPECIFICS MAN! ..and maybe a screen cap or two sent in the email.

But I digress..

Very first solution is to skip this e mail. Then, i most certainly will send your actual tape to each of your your contacts and then imagine concerning the humiliation you feel. or in case you are in a committed relationship, how this will affect? 

Okay, a couple of things:

You said “your” twice.

Also, a “tape?” Do you mean a digital copy of the video you’ve allegedly created? I’m sensing that English is a second language here.

Plus, you haven’t met my other half. We’ve been together thirty years and married for almost 29 of those. Her name is Dorian, which I’d think you would have known already if you were even 1/10th the scammer/phisher/hacker you claim to be.

Due diligence and specifics next time, my friend.

As for how she would react? Okay, so she opens an email and there’s the video of me watching Stormy Daniels slicking up a dildo or whatever..

“Really Dave? Stormy Daniels? I thought you were into brunettes. What about Katrina Jade, isn’t she a friend of yours?”

Well yeah, I kind of know a porn star named Katrina Jade. Dorian and I met her in a bookstore in North Beach a few years ago. We’re Facebook pals, but I’ve never seen her work in “the biz.” I even know her real name (it’s not Jade) and we sometimes talk about puppies.

As for my friends, associates, and work, I feel I can safely predict reactions:

FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES: “Really Dave, Stormy Daniels? We thought you were into brunettes. Don’t you know any BRUNETTE porn stars?

Well, yeah. Katrina Jade. Sort of, but not really.

BOSS AT WORK; “Whatever Dave, just don’t bring that stuff into work and don’t mention it on your tours, since you’re a tour guide. Also, Stormy Daniels? We thought you liked brunettes.”

Number two alternative would be to give me USD 986. i will describe it as a donation. in this case, i most certainly will instantaneously erase your video. You could keep your way of life like this never occurred and you surely will never hear back again from me. 

Uh, that’s $986.00 you want me to send you? HAHAHAHAHA!!!


haha! *cough*

DUDE or whatever, I don’t have that kind of money laying around! I don’t even have $98.00 at the moment. If you’d been more specific and did due diligence, I might have been able to send you nine bucks. *looks in wallet* Yep, and that leaves me with five for tomorrow’s bus fare.

You’ll make the payment through Bi‌tco‌in (if you don’t know this, search for ‘how to buy b‌itcoi‌n’ in Google).

Goodness, you’re a helpful little SpamPhisHacker, but I would have included a link to Bitcoin instructions so that the blackmail-ee wouldn’t have to go looking for it. You really should try being a little more user-friendly.

if you are curious about going to the cop, good, this e-mail can not be traced back to me. I have covered my actions. i am just not looking to ask you for much, i simply want to be compensated. e mail if i do not receive the ‌bi‌tco‌in‌, i will definately send out your video recording to all of your contacts including membe rs of your family, colleagues, etc

*Raises hand* OOOH, question! Who is “the cop?”

I’m thinking this whole blackmailing thing would be more of a federal crime, like for FBI agents, and the Federal Building is only a block away from us here in San Francisco. Perhaps I should take this over there and show it to them.

The thing is, I know a couple of cops (and I think Katrina has ‘entertained’ a few fake ones in her videos), but the San Francisco cop we know spends his time busting drug dealers in the Tenderloin and the other guy is a Sheriff’s Deputy in Southern California whose entire job is doing background checks on new inmates who arrive at his jail.

Andy Griffith with his deputy, Barney, looking nervous and making an urgent phone call
The cops are on the case!

If you want to have proof, reply Yes & i definitely will send out your video recording to your 12 friends. This is the non:negotiable offer, and so do not waste my time and yours by replying to this email message.

As instructed I won’t reply, but can I put it in a blog post? YEAH?

line drawing illustrating someone excited to be online


Way more than 12 people read my blog. It’s more like 22 people or maybe even 25!

But this is where you blew it, my new pal.

It’s a matter of logic. Your objective is to get that “USD 986,” which I’m assuming means $986.00, right?

Well, if I reply with ‘YES’ to get “proof,” and you send the video out to my “12 friends,” isn’t it GAME OVER? I’d be exposed, but YOU WOULD NOT BE $986.00 RICHER.

Wouldn’t it be way more effective to just send ME the video, showing you have it (or just link to it at some untraceable site), and perhaps a list of those “12 friends,” plus my place of work and – JEEZUS – my wife’s actual NAME? Because, you know, that stuff is all over this blog.

No, the sad fact is that you’re just some pathetic skimmer who got a hold of an old, compromised password and simply decided to try your luck. But, the truth is, YOU REALLY SUCK AT BLACKMAIL.

Also, you might try blackmailing people who actually have money, like, well.. Stormy Daniels. Although I have a feeling if you tried to out HER porn activities, she’d be all, “Um, okay.. thanks for the publicity!”

Stormy Daniels photo CC: by Toglenn – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,

5 thoughts on “Blackmail, And Other Fun Stuff

  1. Congratulations on your contortionist abilities. To catch you watching your screen and yourself “having fun” either you have a very wide angle lens on your webcam, or else you were in a very peculiar position.

    In any case, you can’t have been doing much for a mere $986. My videos are apparently now worth $3,000. I can’t wait the see them!


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