Okay, so has anyone else who maintains a WordPress blog noticed a decided increase in the size of the average spam comments being trapped by Akismet?

WHOA THERE!

Where are you going, non-WordPress users? This will be of interest to you too! I’m sorry I said “Akismet”.. it’s not a big word, it’s just a WordPress filter that traps spammers and teases them until they cry like little school girls.

Here, let me help you out a bit so that you can understand what we’re talking about..

When a person – me, for instance -  has a blog on WordPress, they don’t need to use those little CAPTCHA things to keep spammers from commenting, like they do on Blogger. You know.. it’s where you try to comment but you have to type in “RFLYO” first, or “JKSTGV” or “NTBQP”. I used to have a blog on there and I swore that if I ever had a child, which seems unlikely at this point but hey we have a black President, I was going to name it “GLMGY” if it was a boy or “SBTRY” if it was a girl. But now that I run my blog on WordPress I can just name my child “Akismet” (which I believe would work for either a boy OR a girl),  because that little filter is the saving grace of us all.

Here’s why..

On Blogger, when someone kindly stops by and graciously reads your blog and nicely decides to be wonderfully helpful by adding a beautiful comment, they have to work for it by typing in those previously mentioned potential children’s names, which doesn’t seem like it’d take much effort but if a person comments on, say, a whole bunch of Blogger blogs each day, well we’re talking about a whole half hour or so of extra typing that could be better spent actually making a child, if one is so inclined and equipped. So basically you’re keeping your readers from having sex, and to me that seems like a poor marketing plan.

On the other hand, readers of WordPress blogs have plenty of extra time to manufacture children because Akismet (the spam filter, not my future daughter) does all of the work for them. It does this by actually letting the spammers leave their comments but it sort of holds them in a holding cell, like a tiny prison, until you come along and decide to either let them out to roam free across your blog (unlikely) or you strap the silver helmet on them and pull the switch, electrocuting them in an excruciatingly agonizing moment of pure joy and ecstasy (very likely, and a lot of fun).

There’s this thing you see when you log on to your WordPress account that’s called the “dashboard”, which is a lot like the dashboard in your car but instead of showing you your speed and oil temperature, it shows you how many people have visited your blog and what comments Akismet (again, the FILTER) has trapped in the tiny prison. My whole point here is that lately these comments have gotten really big – so big that we may need to get a bigger prison – and of course, they still don’t make any sense.

Remember when spam comments that don’t make any sense were short and sweet? Actually, I still get those in my email, and I’m sure you do too. Here’s one I randomly pulled out of my email just now..

Serge lived there in smoke, that prop of the vrishni race (krishna), like that one over there. have you bought  dorothea’s whose knots made it strain and creak, a tremendous deities and pitris, the illustrious rishi narada.

Now here’s one that Akismet (FILTERRRR, dammit) was holding in my tiny dashboard prison today. I don’t recommend that you read the whole thing – just scan it, like you do my posts..

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Okay, you see? It’s like a damn novel. I’m hereby coining a new internet term that with your help (Stumble, Digg, Tweet, etc.) is going to go viral.. I’m hereby dubbing this new spam format, the “SNOVEL”. Here’s another one, and once again, just scan it like you do all blogs..

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Aren’t those wonderful? That second one even mentions Christina Ricci! And Prozac! Personally, I think any film with Christina Ricci on Prozac has some real box office potential, especially with that bit about the scandal involving her father and the mortgage on the farm brought on by the two former workers who did time in prison. So, I’m going to get right on the script adaptation here, if I can manage to get the rights from the original author.

Ah.. let’s see, the author is..  “xhilymed”.

Geez, we’re back to that again.

Okay, never mind. I’m just going to write my own novel. It’s going to be about Canadian generic prescription meds and the race to beat the clock before clowns eat all of the banana pudding. I’ll throw in a plot twist involving terrorists from Idaho and how they use shoe horns to eradicate the simple things that make it worthwhile to shop online for daisies using previously expired coupons. Then I’ll adapt it all to a screenplay and cast Akismet (my daughter) in the lead (because Christina Ricci is “unavailable”) and direct it myself (because nobody else will).

You just wait.. it’ll be FNNN!

Actress Christina Ricci relaxes after enjoying a nice case of SPAM for lunch.

Today, and today only, I’m going to turn The RhodesTer Chronicles into a “how-to blog”, which seems to work pretty well for certain other people so I’m giving it a shot.

It’s not really to raise traffic though, or snag a bunch of new readers. It’s just to get something out there that I want to get out there, because it doesn’t seem to be out there.

A little tip for you..

How to put a comment link in your RSS feed footer.

First of all, here’s why you need to put a comment link in your feed footer..

I’m lazy.

I use Google Reader to look at most blogs and, if I want to comment on something but have to scroll back up to the top of the post to click the header and get sent to the blog itself, where I have to then scroll DOWN to the comments, I just may not do it.

It’s actually not so much a matter of laziness as it is  a matter of streamlining – because I might be plowing through a hundred blogs in a sitting, so anything to make the whole process smoother is a welcome addition.

Okay then, to start with you need to be using FeedBurner. It’s really easy; just go there and burn a feed. I’m not going to get into how to do all that, because I’ll digress from the whole “comment link in the footer” objective and eventually end up talking about the influence of third world economics on World of Warcraft players in Nigeria, so it’s best that you figure it out on your own while I stick with the topic.

Once you have that feed going, or if you’ve had a feed going for a while but haven’t put a comment link in your feed footers, here’s what you do..

1. Click the OPTIMIZE tab on top.
2. Select FEEDFLARE
3. To the right, tick the box that says “comments count”, being sure to select either “wordpress” or “blogger”, depending on which service you use.  Be sure and tick the box for FEEDS. If you’re using something else, sorry.. can’t do it.

That’s it. A little link will show up at the bottom of each post, and if there are comments it’ll say how many, whereas if there are none it’ll just say “comments”.

Credit goes to Grandad over there at Headrambles for showing me this. I saw the link in his feeds and noticed how much quicker it made it to to jump over to his blog comments, and how much more likely I was to comment in the first place. So I asked him about it, because I wanted that for my readers. Since then I’ve noticed the sheer volume of blogs I look at that obviously use FeedBurner but don’t have that link set-up, which prompted this post.

There’s not a reason in the world to not have that at the footer of each post, unless you just don’t want comments.

So yesterday this was a “marketing blog” and today it’s a “how-to blog”. I’ll get back to “humor blog” soon.

I hope.

The icky Squidoo Squid

I know how much you like coming to this blog, and I thank you for that.

Do you have one of your own? Yeah?

Well, uh.. do you want another one?

Okay, look.. if you have one already, then maybe it’s time to do what I did and branch out a bit.

Or maybe you don’t have your own little inter-niche because you’re one of those people who doesn’t know a WordPress page from a Blogger Blog.

Either way, Squidoo is the place for you.

There’s this man named Seth Godin. It’s not like he’s a prophet or anything, but Seth had a vision, and that vision was to get people online and get them talking about their passions, products and just about anything else they want to talk about.

But talking to nobody is pointless, so Seth decided to do all of the promotion.

It’s also nice to get a bit of cash flow coming in from advertising, so he lined up some heavy hitters like AMAZON and CafePress, and took care of that while he was at it.

He didn’t do it all alone, of course.

A team was built and an all-in-one place was created where you can post, promote, monetize and network to your heart’s content.

Despite a rather odd logo consisting of a squid with a giganticus eyeball, Squidoo is the easy-build blogging stop that claims you can “build a lens in 5 minutes!” No, they don’t train you in Optometry.. sheesh! (I’m rolling my eyes at you). They call the posts “lenses” because, first of all, they “FOCUS” on a particular subject and second, they are so much more than just the average posts you find on a typical blog.

Yes, even this one!

It might take you a bit longer than 5 minutes to put together an effective lens, but it couldn’t be easier. All of the instructions are right there on Squidoo, and an online coach is within easy reach if you have a question.

“Modules” are the key. When you click the “create a lens”  button, there they all are.. just waiting for you to fill them in with content and choose what you want to display. When you’ve gone through the process and hit “publish”, your masterpiece is placed at the world’s doorstep. Anyone can see your lens – not just members of Squidoo – which means that you can use it as an effective means of business promotion if you’re so inclined.

Of course, Squidoo networks within itself and is thoroughly searchable. People will actually find your lens (or lenses.. you can make as many as you want) and, if they like what they see, they’ll do a lot of the promotional work for you. Do you sell cars? Make a lens about it. Tell us in different modules about various aspects of the auto business, including what’s hot right now, what’s a good bargain, and some tips on buying. Don’t worry about time sensitive material – your lens can be edited any time you’d like.

An issue that bloggers concern themselves with a great deal of the time, is the question of how to make money from their blogs. At Squidoo, your biggest decision is what percentage you want to give to charity. Monetization – better known as advertising and using affiliates – is all done for you and, unlike most other social networks, you get to be a part of it. When Squidoo puts an advertisement on your lens, they keep a percentage of the revenue but offer to split the rest between you and your favorite charity. You choose how much goes to the charity, and you even get to select the advertisers and find products that are conducive to what your lens is about.

So, let’s review..

You can talk about and promote your passion, products and ideas in easy to build modules, and a vast network of users will do the promotion for you. Once your lens is published, some advertising revenue will line your pockets and/or the pockets of your favorite charity. You can build a business lens about what you do for a living and then a separate, personal lens showcasing your passion for Opera, Gummi Bears or reruns of ADAM-12.  The advertising revenue from your business lens can go to charity, while you get all the proceeds from the personal one.. or vice versa. It’s all up to you.

Have I mentioned that Squidoo is completely free?

You’re right, there’s nothing better than that.

Maybe gummi bears.