There seems to be a recurring theme in my spambox as of late..

I must be very important!

Here at The Rhodester Chronicles we use WordPress, which has this thing called “Akismet” to take care of spam.

You don’t need to know what that is, other than that it does a pretty good job of keeping spam comments away from you. Instead of getting deleted automatically, they get put into a folder in case any thoughtful, legitimate comments from you fine readers find their way in there, in which case I can approve them, providing they make me tingle.

Spammers have tried everything to get by Akismet and other spam filters, like creative spelling (“have you tried viaagra to exnd ur bonner for ur pardner?), personal approaches (I love your blog, especially your essay on ant colonies and the benefits to modern medicine!) and saturation, where they just send a thousand links that total up to about a two or three page document. I call these spam-novels “Snovels.”

But today was a first. The following was in my Akismet spam folder, and I’ve pasted it here with a bit of editing to adjust any links the guy put in so that they go to MY other blog, because hey, I can do that.

I am a poor man from the African region, I need money to survive by comment on your blogs / forums or guestbook to make my website appear in search engine. Here are the list of my websites (Vimax, vimax, penis enlargement, penis enlargement pills, bigger penis, penis enlargement pills, penis enlargement, download youtube videos, penis enlargement pills) penis enlargement
penis enlargement pills
vimax
vimax
bigger penis

PLEASE SEND YOUR HELP BY APPROVING MY COMMENT!
Regards: PoorAfricaman2011

So, hey! It’s the HONESTY APPROACH! Which is akin to the bum on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign that says, “Need money for beer and hookers.” Or the other one, “Ninjas killed my family, need money for karate lessons.” (the joke approach) HAHAHA!

Here’s my reply to PoorAfricaman..

Dear PoorAfricaman2011,

I myself am a poor American man. I know this seems unfathomable to you, but it’s true! I realize I’d probably be quite rich in Africa where I can get a bottle of Tuskers Lager for like fifty cents, but I live in San Francisco, the land of four-dollar beers and rent that’s two to three times the national average.

Also, as much as I appreciate your honesty, I just can’t bring myself to send my readers to your penis enlargement sites, mainly because according to Alexa.com most of my readers don’t have penises.  Alexa says they’re mostly educated women between 25 and 50. Granted, there are some readers who are under 25 (hi Kath!), over 50 (hi Lorna!), have penises and aren’t educated (not naming anyone here), but I still have reservations about sending them to your sites.

I’d much rather send them here, where they can buy fun stuff and I get a cut of the action, so that I can get myself a four-dollar beer, which I raise in a toast to your creative honesty, my friend.

Best of luck to you, and should you ever manage to visit San Francisco and make your way out the dank cargo-hold of that merchant ship, look me up and I’ll buy you one of those beers, then set you up with your very own cardboard sign and a choice spot at the corner of Market and Larkin.

Regards,

PoorRhodester2011

I sent out a tweet the other day. It went like this..

“The fact that I continuously get sent links to join Christian singles groups reinforces my suspicion that spammers don’t target demographics.”

I said that because anyone who does the slightest bit of investigation would see that I’m married, and have been for a long time, so singles groups, Christian or otherwise, are pretty much the last thing I’d be inclined to join.

But spammers don’t take the time to select a target demographic. They just send links to anyone about anything, as proven by the fact that my longtime wife continuously gets exhortations to enlarge her penis, as I’m sure all of you girls do. What’s amazing about that, is her email address is coffeesister@gmail.com – so they’re sending penis enlargement ads to coffee-SISTER.

This is nothing new, of course. We’ve all been getting hit by spam of all kinds since it started up years ago, and it’s showing no signs of abating. In fact, spammers are finding new and creative ways to send us links to inane stuff.

Shortly after I sent that tweet – the one about spammers not using demographics because I keep getting links to Christian singles groups – I received a twitter reply from someone that went like this..

“@rhodester, meet thousands of like-minded singles just like you at http://likemindedsingles.com!”

Now, it’s not like there was some person just sitting there waiting for me to tweet about singles groups. It’s just an automated bot that was set-up by someone, and it waits for tweets – from anyone – that have the keyword “singles,” then it sends that response to them. It didn’t take into account that I was actually poking fun at spammers and pointing out how they don’t take into account their target audience.

Can you say “irony?”

The pain-in-the-ass factor regarding this method is that it’s getting to be rather prolific, whereas last year it was quite sporadic. I’d get something like that once-in-awhile once upon a time, but now it seems like I can’t tweet something without getting hit. Twitter lets you block spammers, but of course it always comes from a different source.

————————

ME – “Hello Twitterville, how are you? I’m starting off this nice day with a steaming cup of coffee and a croissant!”

BOT REPLY – “@rhodester, order coffee direct to your address from http://coffeetoyouraddress.com!”

————————

ME – “That blonde sitting over there by the pastry cart must be Russian, her features are quite stunning in an eastern European sort of way.”

BOT REPLY – “@rhodester, plenty of Russian mail-order brides are looking for strong, virile American men! Http://Russianbridesforyou.com.”

————————

ME – I have to take @coffeesister to the hospital, her head just exploded when I scoped out the Russian chick.”

BOT REPLY – “@rhodester, you too can pursue a nursing career from the comfort of your own home! Sign-up at http://onlinenursingcollege.com.”

————————

You get the idea, and I’m sure that if you use Twitter, you’ve gotten these too. This is because spammers not only continue to hit our email addresses as they did in the very beginning, but they now hit our Twitter, Facebook, blog comments and just about anything else that we use online.

We even have them in person here where we live, which is right on Market Street in San Francisco.

I walk a block to and from the train station everyday, and there’s this gym that opened up last month that’s only three doors down. As I walk by, the dude standing out front attempts to hand me a flier advertising their deals. It wasn’t so bad at first, because I’d just politely say “no thanks” as I kept walking, but geez.. it’s been a month and the same dude tries to hand me the same flier EVERY DAMN TIME I WALK BY.

I can’t figure out if he has a really bad memory and hasn’t noticed I’ve declined the flier 148 times already or if he’s just trying to wear me down, but it sure is annoying. I no longer say “no thanks,” because I’m now just a zombie, forging ahead with a glassy stare as a flier is thrust into my face. Whereas I used to brush it aside with a genteel declination, I now give no acknowledgment to its existence.

So, in a way, that dude is a sidewalk spammer.

We have a lot of those here in San Francisco, but that’s the only one that’s just outside my front door, and that I repeatedly endure day after day.

“But Rhodester,” you say.. (you can call me Dave, though).. “There are children dying of hunger all over the world and you’re complaining about some guy trying to hand you a flier?”

(I take it back.. call me Rhodester.)

I’m not complaining, silly-head. I’m just observing that spammers are everywhere these days.

It’s gotten so out of hand that our brains are turning into a mushy gray goo, and we’ve grown complacent to the onslaught of unsolicited advertising to the point that if we no longer had it, we’d feel an empty void of some kind.

I have to admit that despite my annoyance, if the flier-dude isn’t out there tomorrow and the gym were to close down, I’d experience a sad, quiet loneliness in the depths of my tattered soul. I’d feel as if something were missing, and I’d find myself yearning for the attention once again.

I feel the same way about the Twitter-bots too. I LIKE the replies! I LIKE the fact that someone, even if they don’t exist except in a script somewhere, is paying attention to ME!

I LIKE the blog comments that say, “Hey, nice blog! Can I add you to my blogroll?” and it’s signed “usedcarsforcheap.com” SURE!! BRING IT ON!!! ADD ME!!!!! SPAM ME!!!!!!!

PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

INUNDATE ME WITH LINKS, ADS AND FLIERS UNTIL I DISINTEGRATE INTO A QUIVERING MASS OF GELATINOUS GOO!!!!!!!!!

..AND THEN INUNDATE ME SOME MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

After all, I have plenty of money to spend on your product now that Frank Woo, Director of Hang Seng Bank Limited 0f Hong-Kong has informed me that the old Christian widow died and left me the sum of no less that 251 million pounds in gold doubloons, but he needs my help getting it out of the country because of the “recent turn of events.”

“@rhodester, have you thought of investing in gold? Gold is at an all-time high right now, so cash in at http://golddoubloonsinvestmentscheme.com!”

I decided to have a little fun on Twitter, so I changed my profile picture and started tweeting..

Some people got the joke and responded accordingly..

Some others did not..

My pal Joel wasn’t the only one. I had about 15-20 unfollows and blocks as a result. Twitter users have gotten conditioned to blocking “spam” so much that a handful of others later asked if my account had been hijacked. It couldn’t have been a joke! Rhodester would NEVER do that!

Oh yeah?

You know how we’re all sick of those automated direct messages that say something along the lines of, “Thanks for the follow! Check out my blog, etc.” ?

Well, one time I had this guy following me and I liked his profile.

It was funny.

I went on to his blog.

IT was funny.

So I followed him back and shot a direct message to him, being careful to use his name so he wouldn’t think it was automation. I said, “Hey so-and-so (forgot his name now) thanks for following me.. your blog rocks and I’ve subscribed, just wanted to let you know.”

He didn’t reply – but he DID unfollow me.

So I blocked him.

And then unsubscribed from his blog.

Asshole.

He was, I’m guessing, so conditioned to automated DMs that he just automatically dissed every DM in turn.

The point of this whole thing?

The point of my spammer prank and the story about the asshole DM guy?

Things aren’t always as they seem on the surface.

Maybe this really IS me..

And maybe I really DO want you to check out my pics and vidz!

CLICK HERE

Free Spam!

Okay, so has anyone else who maintains a WordPress blog noticed a decided increase in the size of the average spam comments being trapped by Akismet?

WHOA THERE!

Where are you going, non-WordPress users? This will be of interest to you too! I’m sorry I said “Akismet”.. it’s not a big word, it’s just a WordPress filter that traps spammers and teases them until they cry like little school girls.

Here, let me help you out a bit so that you can understand what we’re talking about..

When a person – me, for instance -  has a blog on WordPress, they don’t need to use those little CAPTCHA things to keep spammers from commenting, like they do on Blogger.

You know.. it’s where you try to comment but you have to type in RFLYO first, or JKSTGV or NTBQP. I used to have a blog on there and I swore that if I ever had a child, which seems unlikely at this point but hey we have a black President, I was going to name it GLMGY if it was a boy or SBTRY if it was a girl.

But now that I run my blog on WordPress I can just name my child Akismet, which I believe would work for either a boy OR a girl, because that little filter is the saving grace of us all.

Here’s why..

On Blogger, when someone kindly stops by and graciously reads your blog and nicely decides to be wonderfully helpful by adding a beautiful comment, they have to work for it by typing in those previously mentioned potential children’s names, which doesn’t seem like it’d take much effort but if a person comments on, say, a whole bunch of Blogger blogs each day, well we’re talking about a whole half hour or so of extra typing that could be better spent actually making a child, if one is so inclined and equipped.

So basically you’re keeping your readers from having sex, which to me seems like a poor marketing plan.

On the other hand, readers of WordPress blogs have plenty of extra time to manufacture children because Akismet (the spam filter, not my future daughter) does all of the work for them.

It does this by actually letting the spammers leave their comments but it sort of holds them in a holding cell, like a tiny prison, until you come along and decide to either let them out to roam free across your blog (unlikely) or you strap the silver helmet on them and pull the switch, electrocuting them in an excruciatingly agonizing moment of pure joy and ecstasy (very likely, and a lot of fun).

There’s this thing you see when you log on to your WordPress account that’s called the “dashboard”, which is a lot like the dashboard in your car but instead of showing you your speed and oil temperature, it shows you how many people have visited your blog and what comments Akismet (again, the FILTER) has trapped in the tiny prison.

My whole point here is that lately these comments have gotten really big – so big that we may need to get a bigger prison – and of course, they still don’t make any sense.

Remember when spam comments that don’t make any sense were short and sweet? Actually, I still get those in my email, and I’m sure you do too. Here’s one I randomly pulled out of my email just now..

Serge lived there in smoke, that prop of the vrishni race (krishna), like that one over there. have you bought  dorothea’s whose knots made it strain and creak, a tremendous deities and pitris, the illustrious rishi narada.

Now here’s one that Akismet (FILTERRRR, dammit) was holding in my tiny dashboard prison today. I don’t recommend that you read the whole thing – just scan it, like you do my posts..

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Okay, you see?

It’s like a damn novel. I’m hereby coining a new internet term that with your help (Stumble, Digg, Tweet, etc.) is going to go viral.. I’m hereby dubbing this new spam format, the “SNOVEL.”

Here’s another one, and once again, just scan it like you do all blogs..

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Aren’t those wonderful? That second one even mentions Christina Ricci! And Prozac!

Personally, I think any film with Christina Ricci on Prozac has some real box office potential, especially with that bit about the scandal involving her father and the mortgage on the farm brought on by the two former workers who did time in prison. So, I’m going to get right on the script adaptation here, if I can manage to get the rights from the original author.

Ah.. let’s see, the author is..  “xhilymed“.

Geez, we’re back to that again.

Okay, never mind. I’m just going to write my own novel.

It’s going to be about Canadian generic prescription meds and the race to beat the clock before clowns eat all of the banana pudding. I’ll throw in a plot twist involving terrorists from Idaho and how they use shoe horns to eradicate the simple things that make it worthwhile to shop online for daisies using previously expired coupons.

Then I’ll adapt it all to a screenplay and cast Akismet (my daughter) in the lead (because Christina Ricci is “unavailable”) and direct it myself (because nobody else will).

You just wait.. it’ll be FNNN!

Actress Christina Ricci relaxes after enjoying a case of SPAM for lunch