I have decided to take immediate action and do something about my visitor count.

This is because I’m still only getting like 20 hits a day, most of  which are from my wife, coffeesister, and my cat, shadow. They love me so they artificially inflate my visitor count when I’m in the bathroom after they’ve hidden the razor blades.

Therefore I’ve decided to model this blog after the ones out there that get the big hits, starting today.  I’m quite  serious about it and so as to not miss anything, I’ve decided not to just zero in on one tactic, but rather to use them all.

Here we go..

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC THROUGH AD REVENUE WIDGETS

We all want more traffic, don’t we?  I mean the kind that visits your blog, not the kind you get stuck in on the way home.  AD REVENUE WIDGETS can help you get more traffic.  GOOGLE the term “AD REVENUE WIDGETS” and read what comes up – you’ll find all kinds of helpful advice on how to INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC!

How, you ask?

Simple!  By using AD REVENUE WIDGETS!

Google the term and read what comes up and then USE THEM.  This will INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC! Put them in your sidebar, and monetize your blog TODAY! That’s what AD REVENUE WIDGETS do!  They will monetize your sidebar by categorizing the fluctuation rhythm of the feedback loop, driving unprecedented amounts of traffic to your blog while at the same time MONETIZING IT!

It’s simple.. and safe.  So what are you waiting for?

Do it TODAY!

A SIMPLE TIP TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY IN COMPOSITIONAL
ANALYSIS OF THE FORMS ON THE LEFT SIDE BY THE MENU

The form is simple in itself.  THAT’S the key to remembering how to increase productivity.  Because, if you’re stuck in traffic under a bridge and your cell phone rings, and it’s the wife wondering where you are, well.. I don’t blame her.

Where ARE you?

DRIVING IN TRAFFIC TO NOWHERE.. if you’re not simplifying the compositional analysis!

So get out there and get it done.  It’s simple!

DON’T BE SLOW TO SEO

Have you gotten your SEO done yet?

SEO stands for Search Engine Orgasms, which every blog needs and every blog should have.

Keywords like “SEXY,” “COEDS” and “FRENCH” should be worked into posts about cooking oil and summers spent at that house down by the lake, where the loons are a’cryin.  If you haven’t gotten it done by now you just may never get to it and, as a result, you’ll never see your blog blossom into the mega-blog it’s meant to be!

So get to it.  NOW!

HOW TO COOK ON CAMP STOVES IN THE RAIN

Let’s say you’re camping, and it’s raining.

You’d be ill-advised to cook on any kind of apparatus OUTSIDE!

But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that bears have snuck into your camping unit – be it a tent, RV or whatever – and they’ve locked you out so that they can consume all of the bacon inside.

Well, it looks as though you are NOT going to have bacon for dinner, my friend!

But that’s okay – you can still have trout, or baked beans – as long as you brought it outside before the bears came – and so it looks as though you’ll be cooking in the rain.

It’s simple!

1. Get a tarp.
2. Cover the fire pit.
3. Wait until it dries off.
4. Start a fire.
5. Cook your trout and/or baked beans.
6. If the bears finish the bacon and come back out..
7. ..run like hell.

photo by Kevin McShane on Flickr

HOW TO PLANT A BEAUTIFUL ROOFTOP GARDEN WHEN YOU
LIVE ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING

Everyone loves gardens.

BEAUTIFUL gardens, on rooftops!

But we all have mean building superintendents and/or managers who won’t let us go up there and PLANT beautiful rooftop gardens.

Oh, what to DO?

First, it’s helpful if your building superintendent and/or manager is male – doesn’t matter if he’s married or not – just go out and get him the the best damn looking hooker you can find – spare no expense. Pay for about a day’s worth of action, because that’s how long it’s going to take you to get this done.

Send the hooker up to the building superintendent and/or manager’s office and once you hear the appropriate sounds, get to work.  Presumably, you did a little preliminary planning by visiting a nursery before scouting Craigslist for the right girl?

GOOD!

Now get up there and PLANT THAT GARDEN!

Petunias are best in high altitudes – say, over ten stories – and you’ll want to use a high grade topsoil for the roses and radishes (might as well make this as functional as it is beautiful.)

Most importantly, when you hear screaming noises coming from below, your building superintendent and/or manager is just finishing up.

CALL THE COPS!

Give them the apartment number where the action is taking place.  This will assure that your building superintendent and/or manager will go away for a spell, so your newly planted rooftop garden won’t be discovered and ripped out.

CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy the beauty and the breath taking view of the roofs across the street from your very own Garden of Eden!

BRAD AND ANGELINA CALL IT QUITS!

Brangelina call it quits!

Film star BRAD PITT and his lovely film star wife ANGELINA JOLIE called it quits today on the set of their latest action film, “ASSASSIN IN THE RAIN.”

Confidential sources close to the elusive couple cited the reason for “calling it quits” was that every scene scheduled to be shot that day had been completed and the director of the film, Ron Sheldon, was overheard telling the couple, “See you both back here at six AM sharp.”

“BRANGELINA“, as they have been affectionately dubbed by the press, then “called it quits” and went home for the evening or perhaps out to rendezvous with another Hollywood mega-star couple, “TOMKAT“.

Ooooh, hey LOOK!  BEAUTIFUL, SEXY ACTRESSES AND MODELS!

Jessica Alba nearly NUDE at the beach!

Beautiful model with almost NOTHING ON!

Oooooh, and GEORGE CLOONEY!

George Clooney excited and erect!

Okay, that should do it..
Now I’ll just kick back and watch the bucks roll in.