Coffeesister and I know this young lady who is almost ready for college, and she happens to live in Texas.

She’ll probably end up going to a university in that fine state, but for about ten seconds the idea was proposed and considered that she should actually come out here for school. Here being California and, more specifically, San Francisco.

This young lady is surrounded by helpful people, one of whom exhorted her NOT to entertain the notion of a higher education in San Francisco, namely because of “naked people on roller-blades in the gay district and too much smog.”

I know this because she messaged me to tell me this is what the person said. I, however, put her fears to rest by telling her that there is no smog in San Francisco, and that the naked gay people will not harm her.

First of all, let’s address the smog issue..

I haven’t seen smog here in 30 years. Not that I’ve lived here that long, but I came here with my folks when I was a kid and I lived here for the first year I was in the Navy because my ship was at Hunter’s Point, and I can say first-hand that even though there was a bit of smog then, there certainly isn’t any now.

This is partially because the wind won’t let any smog stay around. It all gets blown out to sea because the city is situated on a peninsula, but there’s not even that much of it these days because of all the clean-air initiatives that have been enacted over the years. It took a long time for all those vehicles that were exempt to die off but they’re finally doing so, and newer autos are no longer belching out black smoke like those old ones did.

They’ve also cleaned up factories and public transit – most of the buses and trains here run on an electrical grid and the few that don’t run on natural gas.

So I haven’t seen any smog around here in almost 30 years, but I did see a couple of naked dudes the other day, and I have this to say about that..

They won’t harm you. And even if you think they might, it’s fairly easy to check to see if they have any weapons on them because, really, they have no place to hide them.

Coffeesister and I went up to the Castro – which is what that well-meaning Texan was referring to when they said “the gay district” – and we sat in a little outdoor plaza sipping on a couple of cappuccinos that we’d obtained from Castro Coffee. It was a beautiful day and the capps were delicious, so we just sat there, sipping and watching life swirl around us.

Over on the opposite side of the plaza sat two naked dudes who may or may not have been gay, but probably were, and were also sipping coffee and taking in the nice day. They weren’t entirely nude, being clad in sneakers, but that was it. For the record, they weren’t roller-blading and I have yet to see anyone do so in the nude, but I’m sure it’s happened.

I don’t know why it’s happened, or why these particular two guys like to sit in the plaza nude, but in that district they can without being hassled by cops or fellow citizens, so they do.

They weren’t carrying any weapons upon their person (I’m certain of this) and they didn’t bother anyone. They did exactly what coffeesister and I did, only they did it without any clothes on.

I love freedom.

I can tell you that I’d much rather have them around than the guy in the train station last night.

He was smoking on the platform and someone asked him to please not smoke because smoking isn’t allowed on the platform, so he launched into a string of obscenities and then threatened the person with a knife. He didn’t actually pull a knife – he just said he had one on him and that if the other person didn’t shut-up he’d pull it out and slit their throat. Cops were called but I left before they got there.

Sometimes you get both naked dudes and knife-wielding train-platform smokers in this city, because it’s a big city and things like that come with living in a place like this.

But you don’t get smog. Not anymore.

The key is to just go the other way when the obscenities and threats start and let the cops handle it, because that’s what we pay them for.

And when naked gay dudes sit around and have coffee, just take a sip of yours along with a breath of fresh air as you thank God that you’re alive and free.

Kerli at SFPride 2011 - photo by Dave Rhodes

On Sunday June 26th, San Francisco threw a party in our backyard in celebration of gay pride. These videos tell the story..

VIDEO ONE (14:58) – Dave and Dorian awake to popstar Kerli doing a sound-check in their room, followed by gay cowboys line-dancing to Lady Gaga on their bed.

Then they go down to see the parade, which seems to consist almost entirely of the back of people’s heads. At the parade they meet a guy named Arthur, whose face gets really excited while he’s talking to Dave.

After that it’s off to Civic Center where a San Francisco band called “Stiletto Ghetto” has taken the main stage, while all kinds of people in all kinds of outfits walk around being all kinds of insane..

LINKS - The Dancing gay cowboys are called “The Sundance Bandits,” and along with the country/western venue outside our window they are sponsored by San Francisco’s Sundance Saloon – Mr. Natural teaches music in Haight Ashbury - Stiletto Ghetto can be heard in this clip, so rock their YouTube channel.

VIDEO TWO (14:57) – While taking a break in the room, we get something from GREASE and SHANIA TWAIN, then it’s back down to the plaza to wait in line several months for a beer.

Linda Perry is onstage with her band Deep Dark Robot, followed by The Queen Diva, Big Freedia and her booty bouncin’ babes. Kerli wraps up the clip with “Army of Love” and “Walking On Air.”

Dave discovers that concert speakers ten feet high do not translate well to a hand-held video camera. You will discover this too, so basically we’re just digging the visuals here, right?  Rock on.

LINKS - Linda Perry still rocks the house – Big ol’ booties bounce along with BIG FREEDIA – Kerli kills us with sweet bubblegoth for her moonchildren.

VIDEO THREE (3:48) - Luciana destroys Dave’s mic on the video cam, but we forgive her because she’s absolutely one HELL OF A LIVE PERFORMER.

We return to the room after the whole thing is over and Dave calms the freaked-out cat while miscreants rip up the dance-floor in the bank parking lot.

LINK - LUCIANA’S WEBSITE ROCKS!

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EXTRAS..

Stills of Kerli performing live..

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Onstage at SFPride KERLI performed two hits, “Army of Love” and “Walking on Air.” Here are her stunningly creative and visionary videos to those songs, plus another called “Tea Party.”

YouTube user jbuckenthal was in attendance at SFPride and got much better clips of Kerli performing live. The audio on these is pretty decent..

ARMY OF LOVE

WALKING ON AIR

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RANDOM YOUTUBE find of the CENTURY – Evidently the guy standing behind us at Luciana’s set knows all the words to her songs. You can see Dorian’s hat (with the white dots) directly in front of him through most of this clip, and my right arm on her shoulder (rainbow wristband). At 5:04 is a very nice shot of Dorian’s arm appreciating the song.

Oh, and apparently NOBODY has a mobile device that can handle Luciana’s music..

Thanks YouTube user grytestriped for posting that. And thanks also for not picking my pocket because apparently, you could have.

Some more kick-ass LUCIANA videos..

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Linda Perry and Deep Dark Robot..

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Big Freedia, The Queen Diva!

The other day a judge here in California said that two gay people can now get married, and this whole city went nuts.

Technically they were already married, but then a bunch of people voted to annul their marriage without even getting to know them. Then the judge, who got to know them, decided that they should just go ahead and stay married.

Seriously, we were sitting here in our room in The Soma District of San Francisco, which is like a mile or something from The Castro District, and we could hear The Castro District partying well into the night.

Coffeesister and I don’t blame them.

This is because we remember the story of the grizzled old cowboy who was sitting at the bar, nursing a Coors.

In walks this beautiful blonde, who plops right down beside him. This is what she looked like..

Yes, by golly she DOES bear a resemblance to actress Jaime Pressly!

This is what the cowboy looked like..

Yes, by gosh he DOES bear a resemblance to actor Sam Elliot! This is because we always picture Sam Elliot and Jaime Pressly in our heads whenever we tell this old joke.

So, this blonde, who is NOT actress Jaime Pressly, looks the cowboy up and down then says..

“Hi there, stranger! What are you?”

The old fella looks her up and down, then politely replies..

“Well Ma’am, I’m a cowboy.”

She’s taken aback! A look of surprise crosses her pretty face as she says..

“REALLY! A COWBOY! What on earth do you do?”

He’s taken aback himself at the thought of someone who never heard of a cowboy, but he takes into account that she’s a blonde and continues politely..

“Well Ma’am, I round-up cows and get them to market. I do this on a horse with the help of other cowboys and we herd the cows along until they get sold, then folks turn them into steaks and burgers. Now what about you, Ma’am?”

“Me? Oh, I’m a Lesbian!” She cheerfully replies.

“Really? Now what in tar-nation is THAT, if I may ask?”

She flashes him a cute smile.

“I like women! I like to make-out with them and touch them, and smell their lovely hair! I like to feel their soft, beautiful skin and kiss them on their succulent lips. I like to make love with them all night long, and I even have a woman for a girlfriend.. we’re in love and getting married!”

She finished off her drink with a flourish and gave the old geezer a light, playful kiss on the cheek.

“It was nice talking to you, cowboy! Have a wonderful day!”

He watched intently as she sashayed out of the bar, passing the circus clown who came in at that moment, taking the newly vacated bar stool next to the old cowboy.

The circus clown, who bore a startling resemblance to a circus clown, looked the old cowhand up and down, then said in a squeaky voice..

“Hello there, scruffy old man! What are you?”

The cowboy looked thoughtful as he puzzled over this for a moment or two, then he turned to the clown with a wistful look in his eye..

“Well, up until a few minutes ago I thought I was a cowboy. But I guess it turns out I’m a Lesbian!”

So, for the record, we here at The Rhodester Chronicles hereby state that we are Lesbians, and as such we support other Lesbians.

GO SISTERS!

Oh, okay.. we support the gay guys too.

GO BROTHERS!

This is because we agree with the judge, who basically said, “It shouldn’t be allowed for a majority of voters to decide moral issues for citizens,” which is a really loose paraphrase because we’re too excited about being Lesbians to go look it up.

We mean, when you think about it, what if they put murder on the ballot and left it up to the voters, so all of a sudden a bunch of murderous thugs stopped selling crack long enough to go register for the vote and then subsequently shot down the law we have against murder, so then afterward they go around murdering everyone and there’s not a darned thing anyone can do about it?

We don’t think we’d like that very much.

So that’s why we didn’t like that proposition 8 here in California. It was a whole bunch of people deciding that another bunch couldn’t do a certain thing, which the first bunch could do, by the way.

We’re glad the judge ruled the way he did while at the same time being kind of sad that morality has to be left up to a judge, or a panel of judges in some cases, but that’s the society we live in.

We’re going to go pop open another Coors now, then ask Jaime Pressly out on a date.

OOPS.. forgot she’s married.

How wonderful for her!

And now a whole bunch of other folks..

This is Phil.

He’s our gay Archbishop neighbor who happens to appear at our window once-in-a-while, as shown in the pic..

I KNOW, huh? He scares the cat.

I’m not a judgmental person. This is because  I’m pretty messed up myself in more than a lot of ways, and I’ve had people poke fun at me, so I don’t poke fun at Phil.

Much.

I DID put him on BlogTV – the above shot is a still from the live video feed. He walked up while I was testing out my BlogTV account by doing a live broadcast with about 2-3 people in the chat room looking at me. I turned the web cam to the window and got up to about 50 people, most of whom delighted in making all kinds of disparaging remarks about poor Phil, who didn’t know he was on. I don’t know if that’s legal and it may be  ethically questionable, but it sure was fun.

You can see the videos here.

Phil has got me to thinking about social mores recently, and what’s acceptable as opposed to what’s not, and if not, WHY not, and all that kind of heavy stuff. Oh, he didn’t bring the subject up – he just mostly talks about gay issues, politics and gay issues in politics. I got to thinking about it because most people can’t stand him, so I started asking myself, “Okay, what is it about this guy that makes him so creepy?”

I mean, he doesn’t walk around naked – only mostly naked, as pictured – and he doesn’t give any inclination toward anything that would make you want to hide your children when he comes around, yet I’d bet most of you would.

But a lot of people in the chat room started making all kinds of obscene remarks about Phil because he looks and talks funny. I kicked a lot of them out, as did my pal Katharine, who I gave OP privileges for that purpose.

Why do people get that way? Is it the anonymity of the Internet? Do I even have to ask that? Because, you know, if someone were invited into my apartment and I gave them a beer and they carried on like that, all foul-mouthed, obscene and critical of my neighbors, I’d kick their ass out. Even if they were being critical of Archbishop Phil, which is really easy to do.

Granted, I’d much rather have someone like Taylor Swift come to my window and sing pretty songs to me on her guitar. That would be cool.

But even then it’s possible I’d get irritated with Taylor Swift if she came to the window frequently and was always like, “Hey Rhodester, I’m writing a new song and I want to play it for you!” when I’m in the middle of something, which is what Phil does only instead of playing songs he asks me if I think any of the Osmonds are secretly gay and he recites stats that support his belief that over 80% of sailors on our modern Navy ships are gay and stuff like that.

By the way, I wondered what it would look like if Taylor Swift came to my window all of the time, since I was talking about it, and I came up with this..

I bet I’d get a whole lot more than 50 people in the chat room.

But, no matter.. it’s Archbishop Phil who comes to the window and not the lovely Miss Swift, so I’m left to deal with that for what it is. I’ll start by answering some questions you may have about him, which I base on the questions some of the people in the chat room asked the day he was on the live video..

1. Is he REALLY an Archbishop?

YES. Don’t call him “Bishop,” or he will correct you.. every time. He said that he has Bishops “under him” and I said “I’ll bet” which sounded kind of snarky, but I’m not sure he picked up on that.

2. What church is he with?

The Independent Apostolic Church of Something Or Other, which I’ve never been clear on. I said, “I’ll BET it’s independent.” He picked up on that.

3. You have a church like that in Palm Springs?

I don’t know.. probably. But he’s here on a two year “sabbatical” and can normally be found standing at his neighbor’s window in the UK.

4. So he’s openly gay? and an Archbishop?

YES, dagnabbit.. we covered that. Evidently that’s allowed in his church and he says he has women Bishops “under him,” which takes away from my snarky remark in #1 (since he’s not into women) and also shows that his church is just a tad more than liberal.

5. Why would an Archbishop, gay or not, walk around mostly naked?

We’re in Palm Springs and there’s a pool behind Phil that you can’t see because of my lousy web cam. It’s like a thousand degrees here during the summer, and he enjoys a refreshing  dip like anyone else. Also, he sometimes wears a black tunic and sometimes a red tunic, both with a clerical collar, but not in the pool, which would just be weird.

6. He lets you call him “Phil?”

No, he requested that I call him “Your Grace” but I think he reconsidered when I shot coffee out of my nose.

7. Does he like the music you play?

No, he calls it “The Devil’s Music” (I was playing an alt-rock playlist one day when he walked up, and that’s what he said.) I asked him how it is that he can have young men over to give them blow jobs but he finds my music to be morally reprehensible. Yes, I really did ask him that. I keep saying things like that to him, yet he keeps coming back.

Honestly, I wouldn’t say that kind of thing to Taylor Swift.

If you have any more questions you may leave them in the comments below, but just keep in mind that I’m not a Phil expert because I don’t live with him or anything like that, and I don’t even know which apartment he’s in – although I think it’s the one on the left.

THE FAR LEFT.

It probably goes without saying that Archbishop Phil is an unusual guy, but in a way I’m glad he comes up to my window because I agree wholeheartedly with Nietzsche, who said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Yesterday morning, Phil came up to our window while we were still in bed sleeping, and with the blinds closed to within about 4 inches of the window sill, he shouted into our nice, quiet apartment, “Hey did you guys catch last night’s Jon Stewart?”

He then proceeded to tell us about it, even though we hadn’t answered him.

]]> http://rhodester.net/neighbors/feed 8 http://rhodester.net/sassy-gay-friend http://rhodester.net/sassy-gay-friend#comments Sun, 27 Jun 2010 07:05:17 +0000 David Rhodes http://rhodester.net/?p=8566

To continue what we started in yesterday’s post, which is to put something up in recognition of PRIDE WEEKEND here in San Francisco, we here at The RhodesTer Chronicles would like to say that everyone should have a SASSY GAY FRIEND.

Yes, everyone! We do. Hi James! And Rick. Plus a handful of others.

And you don’t have to be a major character from the works of Shakespeare to enjoy the useful advice of a sassy gay friend. You can be just anyone.

We are.

Biatch.

Note – In honor of PRIDE WEEKEND here in San Francisco, I am resurrecting this blast from the past that is possibly the best explanation of gay people that I’ve ever come up with. I can say that because it’s the only explanation of gay people that I’ve ever come up with.

Today I am going to talk about gay people and gay issues.

This is because absolutely no one else is talking about them, and you never hear anything about their wants, needs, desires and politics, so I might as well bring it up.

HA HA HA!

That’s sarcasm.

Actually, we hear about it all the time, and you can’t swing a dead cat here in San Francisco without ruffling a gay person’s ascot.  But I just want to put in my two cents.  By the way, this editorial may be slightly overpriced.

I’ll start by saying that I have some gay friends who are pretty cool people.  I’ve also met some gay people in the past who are not my friends because they’re not so cool.  It’s kind of like having a cat that plays a lot and another cat who sleeps more than cats normally do.

For some reason I’m using cats a lot in my illustrations.

I’ll try and stop.

Drag Cat by rockmixer on Flickr

The thing is, as people, we’re all different.  There are good and bad white people, good and bad black people, good and bad Asian people and good and bad American Indians, who prefer to be called “Native Americans,” but I like “Indians” because it brings me back to my childhood when I used to play “Cowboys and Indians” until supper, when Mom would call us in just before putting the cat out.

Damn.

Okay, so getting back to gay people..

There are those who think gay people are like cowboys, in that they become gay over time, just like cowboys decide at some point to start punching cows (whatever that means) and rounding ‘em up.  There are others, present company included, who think that certain people are born gay, just like the Indians.

Not that the Indians are born gay — I’m saying that Indians are born Indians — stay with me, darn it.

So NOT gay

Indians who try to be cowboys are not usually very successful at it, as you’ll see if you watch a lot of John Wayne movies.  Heck, in those movies they don’t even try.  But they can be a cowboy if they want, because a cowboy isn’t something you’re born to be, unless you’re John Wayne.

But you just don’t see a lot of Indian Cowboys.

So it’d be more like if Indians tried to be cats (damn) because you are either born an Indian or born a cat, but you can’t really be both.  However, you can be an Indian’s cat if you want.

I’ve known gay people who’ve tried to be cats.. er, I mean straight people.. but it never seems to work because all they can think about is wanting to be gay and their hearts aren’t really into being straight.

I’ve even known of a gay cowboy or two..

Technically, they were Sheepherders

But if a person who is attracted to members of the same sex tries to go out and be attracted to members of the opposite sex, they usually just end up being really good friends and go shopping together a lot.

Now, here’s the thing..

I know this Christian guy, Mike, who says that the whole gay thing is an “abomination before God,” and all of that.  I’ve known him for a lot of years and, even though he’s married now, I knew him back when he used to say that abomination thing as he was on his way to a motel to shack up for three days with some chick who he’d bone like crazy.

Actually, Mike boned a lot of chicks in his hey day.  He was quite the ladies man, in that all he had to do was walk up to them and say “HEY,” and they’d drop their pants.

Now, before you go saying that Mike is a hypocrite, let me just check my stats to make sure he’s not a reader of this blog..

Okay, he’s not.  Go ahead and say it.

The thing about Mike is that he was born liking chicks.  Well, to be technical he probably started finding titties to be tantalizing when he was around 11 or 12, but you know what I mean.  I’m bringing him up because I remember him talking about a wedding between two gay people he worked with and how he would not be going to that wedding, because of the abomination thing.

So I asked him if he had fun that past weekend when he shacked up in the motel and boned that chick for three days.

He said yes, he did.. then he thanked me very much for asking, and offered to introduce me to her sister.

Other issues aside, Mike was always polite and courteous.

gay madrid by alex castella on flickr

But you see, guys like Mike think that all gay people are cowboys and that they choose to round up members of the same sex before punching ‘em, when in reality they’re all a bunch of Indians who are just really attracted to other Indians.  They find their fellow Indians to be quite lovely, and all they want to do is be left alone to pow-wow in peace.

Now, I realize that there are Indians who say “God made me the way I am” and there are Cowboys who say “God doesn’t make mistakes,” but make no mistake.. if an Indian wants another Indian then you best just git along and leave ‘em be, or else you’ll probably get scalped, with “scalped” being a metaphor for “gay lobbyists pushing legislators to pass laws allowing them to get married and enjoy the same civil rights under the law as straight people.”

This being the case, you’re going to just be better off sitting back and enjoying that parade of pretty headdresses.  Those gorgeous, fabulous headdresses!

in costume by moriza on flickr

That’s all I have to say.. I’m done now.

I have to go feed the cat.

DAMN.