Dear AT&T,
I would like to fill-out a customer survey.
This is because I want to let you know about some things, like the doofus in shipping and the really helpful technician in the toolbelt, but it looks like you don’t have a place for a customer to do this online and submit it.
So I’m going to do my own.
Just so you know, that automated phone-call thing to get customer feedback is really lame. Let’s start with giving zero stars for that, because I was in the middle of something important when the automated man called me.
Okay, I was in the bathroom taking a wee. But.. seriously? I’m told I’m going to get a survey call so almost a week goes by and I finally get it at that moment?
He asked in a pleasant but robotic voice if I’d be willing to answer questions concerning my AT&T service. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t at the time, I only answered because if it were a real person I would have asked them to hold on through the flushing sounds, then we’d talk. But he wouldn’t wait and he didn’t ask me when would be a convenient time that he could call back and try again, and he hasn’t called me back. It’s been like a week.
I think it odd that I can’t call him. I mean, he’s a robot, right? Does he only keep office hours? Does he take long breaks? Does he spend the entire day calling customers one at a time, so if he’s getting answers from someone then I can’t talk to him at that moment and have to wait?
So yeah, zero stars. Or let’s make it.. phones. Little droids, man! Because we just got a new droid phone and it’s cool, but we’re Virgin Mobile customers so we don’t have an iPhone, which apparently is your big thing. So yeah, droids!
ZERO DROIDS for that automatic phone survey dude. Let us call you or better yet, just put the damned thing online so we can fill something out and submit it, like Virgin Mobile does. They’re a great company, and they run an airline too! Do you run an airline? No?
Thank God!
So, let’s get on with this. Here is my AT&T customer survey form..
Thank you for choosing AT&T!
You’re welcome, but we didn’t choose you. We live in a building that AT&T has a monopoly on for DSL Service. We tried to get Comcast, but no. We tried satellite and cable, but no. We looked into a wifi widget thingy to get Internet off cell towers and it was like fifty bucks a month. So.. hi.
What kind of AT&T service do you have?
DSL Internet.
You don’t have AT&T phone service?
No, we use Virgin Mobile because they’re a really cool company and they have an airline and shit. They just don’t do DSL in this building.
That makes us very sad *skritch skritch*
Wait.. what is that sound?
We’re just taking notes. Okay, so how can we make you a very satisfied customer today?
Okay, well for one.. you can either have your people stop asking me that damned question every time I call if they’re not going to actually do that, or fix whatever problem I called about. That would be awesome.
*skritch skritch*
HEY!
We’re sorry about that. Okay, is there anything else you’d like to add about our network of telephone representatives?
YES! That right there! When I call they seem to like to apologize, like eighteen times! But they don’t actually fix anything! They just tell me how sorry they are that I’m having a problem! They can say it once and that’s fine, but MY GOD.. to apologize over and over and OVER while getting nothing done, is..
We’re sorry!
ARRRGH!
*skritch skritch*
Look, I talked to some very nice people and a couple who weren’t so great in my week-long quest to get our Internet connection working, but the main problem was that none of them seemed to know what they were doing and they kept handing me off to one another like I was a basketball in a Harlem Globetrotters game.
We LOVE the Harlem Globetrotters! We supply their Phone service!
That’s wonderful, but I didn’t get our DSL service running until a helpful technician in a toolbelt named Brian actually visited our place and said our connection was fine, and that the problem was out there somewhere. Then he pointed out the window at a tree or something.
The toolbelt’s name was Brian?
NO, the technician! You guys are really good at redirection, you know that?
We attend classes. So this Brian went and fixed your problem? Good old BRIAN!
Uh, no. He said he only does the inside stuff but that he’d have one of those outside technicians go find it and fix it. I guess he did, because it was working the next morning. We’re kind of fond of Brian because he was actually the second guy to visit.
There was someone before him? We’re sorry..
AHHHH!! STOP!!! Yes there was another toolbelt guy, who’s name we forget and we don’t remember the name of his toolbelt either. He said he would fix it like two days earlier but then he disappeared and it didn’t work so I called in again and talked to my fourth or fifth representative that week, who proceeded to apologize until my ears bled. But they finally sent out Brian, who got it fixed, or at least he made the outdoor guy fix it. Whatever. So I want to put his first name on this and his ID number, which is bl746f.
Once again, that’s BL746F.. BRIAN.
Got it?
Yes, but you may tell the automated man the good news of an AT&T employee you are happy with when he calls, being sure to leave the first name and ID number of that person..
NO I CAN’T! Because first of all, I was taking a wee and he’s never going to call back, and second, it turns out you can only report the last representative you spoke with, who was some doofus in shipping.
*skritch skritch*
*ahem* DOOFUS.. IN SHIPPING..
*sigh* Okay, why was this person in shipping a doofus?
Thank YOU! Because I had to get a shipping label sent to me, and he almost sent it to the wrong address. He didn’t seem to be paying attention so I asked him to read it back and he read me the address of Mister Ling’s Chinese Food and Chicken Palace about two blocks away. I know Mister Ling, he would NEVER have given me my shipping label. He doesn’t even give extra soy sauce. The label eventually got here but doofus had put the wrong apartment number. Good thing our manager knows where we live.
Wait, why did you need a shipping label?
THANK YOU! Because we had AT&T DSL service in our former apartment, which is in the same building, but we moved down the hall so you all told us we needed to cancel the former service and start a new account. We did and someone told us to just go ahead and hook-up the equipment we already had, and when we got new equipment shipped to us for the new account to just send it back, so we did that but it got refused at the warehouse and returned to us.
So then I called and the lady said to open it and there would be a shipping label inside, so after I hung-up my VIRGIN MOBILE phone from her, I opened it but there was no shipping label, so then I called back and someone told us there’s a store in downtown San Francisco and to just take the package in there because they would ship it, so we did that but they didn’t, telling us instead that they couldn’t ship equipment back to your warehouse because they don’t know where your warehouse IS.
Then they told me to call and get a shipping label, so I called a lady in billing and she was very nice, but she passed me to the doofus in shipping, who told me that I needed to swap the equipment out and send the former equipment back to you all, and I told him he was full of shit and that our equipment worked just fine and to SEND ME A DAMN SHIPPING LABEL NOW, so he did, but he almost sent it to Mister Ling.
So now I have the shipping label, and I’m ready to send the equipment back and hopefully the billing lady will take it off our account because we were billed for it. We’ve been billed for two sets of equipment, because the warehouse refused the package and sent it back.
So, NO DROIDS. NONE. Not for service, not for efficiency and not for “customer satisfaction.” Only Brian gets a droid. Or rather, like five of them.
Wait.. huh?
BRIAN – BL746F. Got it? That’s his name and number because he’s the only one in your company of about ten thousand people who actually got anything done for us.
You can’t miss him.. he’s an Asian guy in a toolbelt who’s about yay-high. He gave me his personal phone number to call and said to let him know the instant I was connected, or not. Brian is the Mother Theresa of DSL connections, he cares that much. He gently mopped the sweat from our brow and nursed us back to health, then he called to make sure we were eating our vegetables.
*skritch skritch skritch skritch skritch*
We really, really hope you’re writing down Brian’s name and ID number.
Actually, we are writing “we’re sorry” repeatedly on this pad. You said you didn’t want to hear it.
*click*
BOOM!
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