Karen and Chris, in that order

I have this friend named Chris who is marrying this girl named Karen.

I don’t know much about Karen yet, having never met her. But Chris is the only minister I know who swears like a drunken sailor, which I think is extremely cool, having once been a drunken sailor myself.

He’s also compassionate, clever, witty and wise, and he doesn’t give a damn about convention and what people think of him, nor does he behave the way they think he should.  He’s just like me and I’d venture to say that that’s why we’ve been friends for nearly 20 years.

Coffeesister knew him first.  This was back when he and his whole kooky family used to travel together as a gospel singing group in an old bus.  Chris played banjo and sang, while sister Sheryl provided rhythm on bass and brother Andrew played piano.

I’m not sure what mom and dad did. Daddy sang bass while mama sang tenor (HA!) I think, but I know sister Lorie was the main female vocalist.  She still does a solo act when not writing gospel murder mysteries.

Yes, you read right – GOSPEL MURDER MYSTERY – it’s a rather niche market.

Chris is from California but currently lives in Scotland, so we don’t see him much.  I don’t know why he lives there except that I’ve been to both Scotland AND his hometown, and if I had to choose between living in a mansion in his hometown or behind a dumpster in Scotland, I’d make sure I had enough cardboard on hand.

He’s from a central California farming community near Fresno where all the good ol’ boys gather every morning at the local McDonald’s for coffee and the whole town smells like pesticide mixed with cow shit.

This is the bible belt of California, chock full of conservative Republican farmers who hire migrant workers to pick their crops at below minimum wage, then they leave the McDonald’s after their morning bullshit sessions and tune into Rush Limbaugh in their Land Rovers and Escalades.

Some years ago, Chris went and learned himself Spanish so that he could preach to Mexicans and people in South America, but having lived in Scotland for a while now, he’s developed a lilting Scottish accent.

I’m told that when he preaches in Spanish he does so with that Scottish accent in place.  I bet it’s confusing to Mexicans, especially when the staff serves haggis tacos at the potluck afterward.

Being from a Christian Gospel singing family, Chris grew up in a very conservative, restrictive environment.  For example, he and his siblings weren’t allowed to see movies in theaters when they were kids.

I think dad was concerned that audience members from their concerts would see them standing in line to buy tickets to the movie and would think them sinners.  Never mind that the audience members would be in line too, that’s just the world Chris came from.  It explains why he’s not so concerned with appearances these days and matters of the heart matter more to him.

So it turns out he’s gone and got himself a girl.  That’s where Karen comes in.  He’s actually going to marry her, so that’s why he’s lugging her all the way to the states to meet people like us.

They’ll be arriving here in Palm Springs today and hanging out with us until Tuesday or Wednesday.  I feel kind of sorry for Karen – not because she’s marrying Chris, or that she has to hang out with me – but because she’s from Scotland, where it’s gray and dreary all the time and she’ll be here for a few days, where it’s bright and sunny and about a thousand degrees. We’ll have to constantly throw ice on her lest she melt or spontaneously combust.

It’s not like Chris has never had a girl before. He’s had more than a few, but they get all clingy and needy.  I was kind of surprised to learn that there are actually Christian stalkers, who are generally women who stalk pastor types.  They get pretty crazy.

I think what he finds attractive about Karen, besides her striking good looks, is that she doesn’t text him 300 times a day and bombard him with emails.  She actually gives him space but she draws the line at cheap hookers, thus striking a fine balance.

She’s the perfect woman.

We’re going to drink beer and tell bad jokes and stay up until five in the morning, just sighing and laughing a bit at things that happened years ago.  Chris tells me that Karen will be right there with us, laughing and telling the worst jokes of all.  I like her already.

By the way, I’ve never heard him preach.  We’re both fine with that.  Go figure.

Chris and Karen, now happily married

UPDATE – Chris and Karen have been happily married for a while now, and are currently based in Rosarito Mexico, where they have lost their accents.