Vintage RhodesTer

restoring old posts to their former glory

originally published July of 2008

I have decided to take immediate action and do something about my visitor count.

This is because I’m still only getting like 20 hits a day, most of  which are from my wife, coffeesister, and my cat, shadow. They love me so they artificially inflate my visitor count when I’m in the bathroom after they’ve hidden the razor blades.

Therefore I’ve decided to model this blog after the ones out there that get the big hits, starting today.  I’m quite  serious about it and so as to not miss anything, I’ve decided not to just zero in on one tactic, but rather to use them all.

Here we go..

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC THROUGH AD REVENUE WIDGETS

We all want more traffic, don’t we?  I mean the kind that visits your blog, not the kind you get stuck in on the way home.  AD REVENUE WIDGETS can help you get more traffic.  GOOGLE the term “AD REVENUE WIDGETS” and read what comes up – you’ll find all kinds of helpful advice on how to INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC!

How, you ask?

Simple!  By using AD REVENUE WIDGETS!

Google the term and read what comes up and then USE THEM.  This will INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC! Put them in your sidebar, and monetize your blog TODAY! That’s what AD REVENUE WIDGETS do!  They will monetize your sidebar by categorizing the fluctuation rhythm of the feedback loop, driving unprecedented amounts of traffic to your blog while at the same time MONETIZING IT!

It’s simple.. and safe.  So what are you waiting for?

Do it TODAY!

A SIMPLE TIP TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY IN COMPOSITIONAL
ANALYSIS OF THE FORMS ON THE LEFT SIDE BY THE MENU

The form is simple in itself.  THAT’S the key to remembering how to increase productivity.  Because, if you’re stuck in traffic under a bridge and your cell phone rings, and it’s the wife wondering where you are, well.. I don’t blame her.

Where ARE you?

DRIVING IN TRAFFIC TO NOWHERE.. if you’re not simplifying the compositional analysis!

So get out there and get it done.  It’s simple!

DON’T BE SLOW TO SEO

Have you gotten your SEO done yet?

SEO stands for Search Engine Orgasms, which every blog needs and every blog should have.

Keywords like “SEXY,” “COEDS” and “FRENCH” should be worked into posts about cooking oil and summers spent at that house down by the lake, where the loons are a’cryin.  If you haven’t gotten it done by now you just may never get to it and, as a result, you’ll never see your blog blossom into the mega-blog it’s meant to be!

So get to it.  NOW!

HOW TO COOK ON CAMP STOVES IN THE RAIN

Let’s say you’re camping, and it’s raining.

You’d be ill-advised to cook on any kind of apparatus OUTSIDE!

But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that bears have snuck into your camping unit – be it a tent, RV or whatever – and they’ve locked you out so that they can consume all of the bacon inside.

Well, it looks as though you are NOT going to have bacon for dinner, my friend!

But that’s okay – you can still have trout, or baked beans – as long as you brought it outside before the bears came – and so it looks as though you’ll be cooking in the rain.

It’s simple!

1. Get a tarp.
2. Cover the fire pit.
3. Wait until it dries off.
4. Start a fire.
5. Cook your trout and/or baked beans.
6. If the bears finish the bacon and come back out..
7. ..run like hell.

photo by Kevin McShane on Flickr

HOW TO PLANT A BEAUTIFUL ROOFTOP GARDEN WHEN YOU
LIVE ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING

Everyone loves gardens.

BEAUTIFUL gardens, on rooftops!

But we all have mean building superintendents and/or managers who won’t let us go up there and PLANT beautiful rooftop gardens.

Oh, what to DO?

First, it’s helpful if your building superintendent and/or manager is male – doesn’t matter if he’s married or not – just go out and get him the the best damn looking hooker you can find – spare no expense. Pay for about a day’s worth of action, because that’s how long it’s going to take you to get this done.

Send the hooker up to the building superintendent and/or manager’s office and once you hear the appropriate sounds, get to work.  Presumably, you did a little preliminary planning by visiting a nursery before scouting Craigslist for the right girl?

GOOD!

Now get up there and PLANT THAT GARDEN!

Petunias are best in high altitudes – say, over ten stories – and you’ll want to use a high grade topsoil for the roses and radishes (might as well make this as functional as it is beautiful.)

Most importantly, when you hear screaming noises coming from below, your building superintendent and/or manager is just finishing up.

CALL THE COPS!

Give them the apartment number where the action is taking place.  This will assure that your building superintendent and/or manager will go away for a spell, so your newly planted rooftop garden won’t be discovered and ripped out.

CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy the beauty and the breath taking view of the roofs across the street from your very own Garden of Eden!

BRAD AND ANGELINA CALL IT QUITS!

Brangelina call it quits!

Film star BRAD PITT and his lovely film star wife ANGELINA JOLIE called it quits today on the set of their latest action film, “ASSASSIN IN THE RAIN.”

Confidential sources close to the elusive couple cited the reason for “calling it quits” was that every scene scheduled to be shot that day had been completed and the director of the film, Ron Sheldon, was overheard telling the couple, “See you both back here at six AM sharp.”

“BRANGELINA“, as they have been affectionately dubbed by the press, then “called it quits” and went home for the evening or perhaps out to rendezvous with another Hollywood mega-star couple, “TOMKAT“.

Ooooh, hey LOOK!  BEAUTIFUL, SEXY ACTRESSES AND MODELS!

Jessica Alba nearly NUDE at the beach!

Beautiful model with almost NOTHING ON!

Oooooh, and GEORGE CLOONEY!

George Clooney excited and erect!

Okay, that should do it..
Now I’ll just kick back and watch the bucks roll in.

Vintage RhodesTer

restoring old posts to their former glory

originally published October of 2007

Grandad enjoys negative comments at Head Rambles

I suppose I should go ahead and mention Grandad on my blog, since he went and mentioned me.

He’s a feisty (Irish word that means drunk concerned) senior citizen who lives in a little village somewhere in Ireland.  There’s a pub there too, and a whole cast of colorful characters that frequent it.  He writes about all of them.

He also writes about noisy neighbors, tourists, squirrels and Guinness.  Thanks to him, I now know how to properly consume a Guinness should I ever visit a pub in an Irish village, which will probably be never, which is also thanks to him.

He scared the hell out of me.

Someday they’ll turn his accounts into a movie and cast as many Irish actors in it as they can – Colm Meany, Colin Farrell, Aidan Gillen, Pierce Brosnan and, of course, Peter O’Toole to play Grandad.

Turns out they have the internet in Ireland – even in those little villages – so he puts what he writes into a blog and publishes it for his friends, but thousands of other people see it too, and comment on it.  He pretends to be frustrated by all that exposure and notoriety but he’s not fooling anyone.

He’d pretend to be frustrated about this write-up too, and he’d definitely say I’d better not link him on my blogroll in the sidebar, but that’s just too bad.  I like what he has to say and I think you would too.

Lorna from Lorna In Wonderland visited his site and, in the comment section of this post, the following was said..

# Lorna on 23 Oct 2007 at 3:44 pm

I came over by way of Rhodester, who is a brilliant storyteller even though he never remembers the difference between “its” and “it’s”, and I’m gonna have to put you on my blogroll.

# Grandad IRELAND on 23 Oct 2007 at 4:07 pm

Its nice that you dropped by, Lorna. I misread your comment for a second – I thought you were going to put me on your blog roll. I’m glad that isn’t the case and I’m honoured.

You see, I’m onto him.  He’s doing what I did during the 8th grade dance.

I acted shy and stood against the wall, pretending to be too scared to get out on the dance floor.  Eventually a girl came up and asked me to have a go at it, and I turned her down.  Then a prettier girl came up and, after that, an even prettier one and so on, until they were all tugging at my shirt sleeve and pleading for me to dance with them.  Finally, that sexy little tart Robyn Setter came over and yanked me away, to drag me out onto the dance floor.

Okay I wasn’t pretending at first, I really didn’t know how to dance, and I was terrified of Robyn Setter. But Grandad knows how to dance and he’s just getting a royal kick out of all the pretty girls who are tugging on his shirt sleeve, wanting to put him on their blogrolls.

The more he says he doesn’t want it, the more he gets it. He’s had about 74,359 blog visitors this week alone, and I believe The Today Show is trying to get him on a plane to New York for an interview, but Ireland won’t let him leave because who’d keep them entertained?  He wouldn’t like New York City anyway because there are Americans there, albeit not a lot.

Be warned that if YOU’RE an American, and you decide to comment over at Grandad’s blog, wear protective eye wear and clothing.  You also might want to buy the house a round before you really say anything, just to get them all good and loose first.  And don’t talk sports or politics unless you really enjoy diving headfirst through pub windows.

Head Rambles

Oh MY, the auld fella went and wrote a book too!

Head Rambles: With Ireland’s Most Cantankerous Auld Fella

Vintage RhodesTer

restoring old posts to their former glory

originally published September of 2007

Brad and Angelina are simply amazed at the sheer volume of blogs out there, especially the ones that post pictures of them.

Guess how many blogs are currently listed on  “Blogcatalog” that are tagged as “humor blogs?”

Eight hundred and twenty eight.

(UPDATE – That was almost three years ago. Now every person on earth including the Dalai Lama, Larry King, Opie from “Opie and Anthony” and that Indian guy who works overnight at Winchell’s has a humor blog. That makes about 828 milli0n.)

Not all of them are funny — some are. Not all of them are updated daily — some are. Not all of them have a great layout and design — some do.

These are just the ones that have been listed on blogcatalog by their respective authors and tagged as HUMOR.

Imagine how many are not — a hundred? A hundred thousand? A million?

There are ten thousand, four hundred and fifty seven blogs on blogcatalog that are under the “personal” category. Again, how many are not even listed on that one particular directory?

Millions?

I like choices, as I’m sure you do.

When I lived in San Diego years ago there were two major newspapers; the Union and the Tribune. Like competing newspapers in most large cities, each had its particular political slant and style so it wasn’t difficult to select which one to crack open in the morning over a coffee and Danish.

I’d walk up to a newsstand and there would be a stack of Unions next to a stack of Tribs — I’d make my selection, pay the old man who ran the place and off I’d go to start my day.

But what if I’d had ten thousand newspapers to choose from?

It’d have to be the size of a warehouse and have about a thousand old men working there, smiling and thanking each person who bought a paper. And they’d only sell about five copies of the better ones each day — the crappy ones wouldn’t sell at all and the mediocre might sell a copy or two if they were lucky.

This is what’s happening in the blogosphere only we don’t have to invest fifty cents for each one, we can just glance at a blog and move on if it doesn’t interest us. If it does, we bookmark it or add it to our feed reader (update – Kindle, iPhone, iPad or Blackberry) and come back to it later.

I’ve been looking at ways to increase readership lately and all of the tips I’m getting require me to put in a lot of hours marketing, linking and throwing “keywords” out there.

The other day a friend suggested coming up with as many keywords as possible to describe each post in my blog. If I do a post on hotdogs, I’m supposed to put the word “hotdogs” into the keyword thingy, along with hotdog, redhots, redhot, wiener, wieners, Oscar Mayer, Frankfurters, Franks and the condiments that go on hotdogs, such as mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, relish and whatever else one puts on a hotdog.

Perhaps I should put the word “Pink’s,” because that’s a famous hotdog stand in LA that I used to go to, and maybe I’ll put “Brad Pitt” because I once saw Brad Pitt standing in line at Pinks to get a hotdog.

Pinks in LA, where even Brad Pitt stands in line for a DOG.

The idea is that anyone doing a keyword search for Brad Pitt would end up at my blog, which I feel kind of odd about because I don’t write much about him (this is pretty much it,) but I guess that’s the way it’s done.

The reasoning would be that even though they didn’t locate Brad Pitt, they’d read my latest post anyway, which they’d find so entertaining that they’d bookmark it for later (on that Kindle, Blackberry, iPhone or iPad.)

So I have to find a way to be more interesting than Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt, being "interesting" in his own way.

Me, being "interesting" in MY own way.

Obviously, the quickest and surest method for me to do this would be to hook up with a nutty yet exotic Angelina Jolie type of star and have a mad fling. Angelina is taken, so I was thinking of Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan

There’s a lot of controversy swirling around that girl that I could take advantage of – plus the fact that I’m old enough to be her dad doesn’t hurt, because her real dad is even nuttier than I am, and they certainly aren’t lacking for press when it comes to him.

How Lindsay Lohan looks when I dream about her.

We’d have the mad fling and after I got out of rehab I’d start thinking up keywords..

Slut, slutty, bimbo, sexy, wild, bondage, beach, fling, romp, cops, drugs, police, People Magazine, TMZ, Perez Hilton, vehicular accidents, DUI, Federal Agents, etc.

I’d type these in, go have another Pina Colada, then BOOM!!!

READERS!

I’d better get started.

Does anyone have Lindsay’s number?

RhodesTer – “What does ERUDITE mean?”

Coffeesister – “Why?”

RhodesTer – “Because I just got a really cool review and they said I am erudite.. so what does it mean?”

Coffeesister – “It means KNOWLEDGEABLE”

RhodesTer – (pause) “Oh”

I’ve done some work to improve Essie-Oh here at The RhodesTer Chronicles.

I’ve brought back the blogroll.

And not only that, but I’ve categorized everything.

I’d been using a blogroll of sorts that consisted of a widget showing what I’d recently shared in my Google Reader, which was really kind of friggin’ awesome. That way you got links to posts I’d recently read and thought worth sharing with you.

But it sucked for Essie-Oh, so I took it off.

That’s because the links go through Google – I think – instead of directly from here. In other words, if another blog registers a new reader it won’t tell that blog the reader came from here, it’ll tell it it came from Google – I think.

So I was reading one of those HOW TO MAKE A KILLER BLOG blogs the other day, and they said it’s good to just have a bunch of direct links to other blogs and websites and hopefully have a lot of links to yours out there on those blogs.

That’s good Essie-Oh.

So I just decided “What the hell,” and linked up everything I try to read over there in the sidebar on the far right –>

I say “try to read” because it’s a lot, and I don’t get to it all. I have every single one of these in my Google Reader and I end up clicking “mark all as read” more often than I’d like, just because I get behind.

But I really do try to get to everything.

You can gauge my diversity of thought just by looking at what an insane melting-pot my blogroll is.

I have photo and art blogs, humor, liberal stuff, conservative stuff, entertainment blogs, helpful blogs and a whole lot of blogs on writing because that’s what I do, so just ignore them if you’re not a writer.

If I left anyone out who’s a regular reader and you’d like to be added, drop your linky in the comments.

If you’re in my blogroll and I’m not in yours.. shame on you.

Let’s make Essie happy, eh?

Essie is much happier now that she can
scoot directly from one blog to another

UPDATE – I put the reader thing back, and just left the blogroll
because I like sharing funny things with you. No really, I do!

I really tried to get into BLOG CATALOG.

I signed up and put this little widget in my sidebar that tells me when other Blog Catalog members come by for a visit.. most of the time.

I’ve had friends who I know for a FACT are on Blog Catalog, and they’ll leave a blog comment and not show up in the widget, prompting me to say, “Hey, why didn’t you show up in my widget?”

They’ll reply, “Hey, it’s because I wasn’t signed into Blog Catalog at the time.. not that I’m EVER going to sign in, because I really don’t use it that much.”

My thoughts exactly.

But you’d think that a person who goes around adding a lot of people as friends on Blog Catalog would be sure to be signed in when they do, yet I get added all the time and I’ll go check my sidebar widget and.. NOPE.. they didn’t show up.

So this means they either weren’t signed in (very unlikely) or they’re just adding friends willy nilly all over the place so they can have a zillion friends on there who they never talk to and who’s blogs they never visit (extremely likely).

I don’t think I care for that kind of “socialization”.

Let’s say I’m lonely.  I’m really not, because I have coffeesister and two fluffly little kitties to entertain me, but just for the sake of argument let’s say I AM lonely, so I go out to some social function where I can meet HOT BABES people.

I get there, and the room is simply CHOCK FULL of folks, all mingling around, shaking hands and conversing.  LOVELY!  I’m going to get to meet LOTS of new friends!  So, I do just that.. I go from one person to another, walking right up to them and grasping their hands firmly as I look them right in the eyes and say, “HI!  MY NAME IS RHODESTER!” Then I quickly move on to the next person, and the next.. and the next..

When I get home later that night I write in my diary, “Met lots of people.”

This is kind of how I feel about Blog Catalog.

So today, in a desperate bid to practice being social, I thought I’d actually choose one amongst the minions who added me as a friend in Blog Catalog without actually visiting my blog, and check that particular person out.

I decided to focus on the first notification to pop into my email, and it happened to be this guy..

Hello!  Grahito is now following you on Blog Catalog!
Click here to view Grahito’s profile.

I did that, and found out two things about Grahito.. he’s either 9 years old, or English is not his first language.  I think it’s the latter, because he has a happy tagline that he uses to tell you something about himself and “his country.”  Grahito’s happy tagline reads..

“My Country have many problem now, hope that this problem will over in the near future. Economic Crisis, Bomb, Eart Quake, Tsunami, flood, mud-flood and many others. God help us to stop this!”

“Well”, I thought, “this should certainly prove to be interesting!  Especially the Eart Quakes and flood.  Not to mention the mud-flood, which is different than your ordinary, run of the mill garden variety flood, no doubt because of all the mud involved.”

I thought all that, and then I saw the blogs he has available.  That’s right.. B-L-O-G-ZZZZ, because he has THREE, and good news!  …they’re all in ENGLISH!

This was a hopeful sign to me, because I was determined to not only become familiar with some NEW blogs, but to get an education.  I hoped like heck that the first blog would be ABOUT something.

GOOD NEWS!  The first blog focuses on a very special topic..

Adhesive Formula

http://adhesive-formula.blogspot.com

“This blog just collect the adhesive formulation and the tecnology
use to build the certain adhesive.”

Cool, huh?  I can’t even begin to tell you how exciting it is to add a blog about adhesive to my Google Reader.. I would put it right next to “Fruit Species,” which shows you a different picture of a piece of dissected fruit each day, but that’s just too much excitement.

The only think lacking on Grahito’s Adhesive Formula Blog is a “sticky post” haha!

On to Grahito’s next blog..

Animals World

http://animals-world-07.blogspot.com

“Find many animals and their behavior here.”

I was just wondering about the mating practices of the South American Koala Chimp.. I hope it’s in there.

Finally, there’s the last and third blog..

Indonesian Food and Forage

http://Indonesian-Food-Forage.blogspot.com

“This blog describe about many plant history and special used for,
Indonesian food and forage source and others about plant.”

I am so very, very depressed now, and you know why?  Because I have a hard time posting daily to a nonsensical “humor” blog and here’s Grahito, posting to not one, but THREE blogs about Indonesian food sources, Koala Monkey Sex and the bonding strength of adhesive #32 DESPITE a constant barrage of Tsunamis, floods AND mud-floods, not to mention Eart Quakes.

I should be totally and wholly ASHAMED of myself.

And you know what?  I am! I’m SO ashamed, that I’m going straight to Blog Catalog now to turn OFF those notifications, because it’s just too painful.

In more ways than one.