Vintage RhodesTer

restoring old posts to their former glory

originally published July of 2008

I have decided to take immediate action and do something about my visitor count.

This is because I’m still only getting like 20 hits a day, most of  which are from my wife, coffeesister, and my cat, shadow. They love me so they artificially inflate my visitor count when I’m in the bathroom after they’ve hidden the razor blades.

Therefore I’ve decided to model this blog after the ones out there that get the big hits, starting today.  I’m quite  serious about it and so as to not miss anything, I’ve decided not to just zero in on one tactic, but rather to use them all.

Here we go..

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC THROUGH AD REVENUE WIDGETS

We all want more traffic, don’t we?  I mean the kind that visits your blog, not the kind you get stuck in on the way home.  AD REVENUE WIDGETS can help you get more traffic.  GOOGLE the term “AD REVENUE WIDGETS” and read what comes up – you’ll find all kinds of helpful advice on how to INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC!

How, you ask?

Simple!  By using AD REVENUE WIDGETS!

Google the term and read what comes up and then USE THEM.  This will INCREASE YOUR TRAFFIC! Put them in your sidebar, and monetize your blog TODAY! That’s what AD REVENUE WIDGETS do!  They will monetize your sidebar by categorizing the fluctuation rhythm of the feedback loop, driving unprecedented amounts of traffic to your blog while at the same time MONETIZING IT!

It’s simple.. and safe.  So what are you waiting for?

Do it TODAY!

A SIMPLE TIP TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY IN COMPOSITIONAL
ANALYSIS OF THE FORMS ON THE LEFT SIDE BY THE MENU

The form is simple in itself.  THAT’S the key to remembering how to increase productivity.  Because, if you’re stuck in traffic under a bridge and your cell phone rings, and it’s the wife wondering where you are, well.. I don’t blame her.

Where ARE you?

DRIVING IN TRAFFIC TO NOWHERE.. if you’re not simplifying the compositional analysis!

So get out there and get it done.  It’s simple!

DON’T BE SLOW TO SEO

Have you gotten your SEO done yet?

SEO stands for Search Engine Orgasms, which every blog needs and every blog should have.

Keywords like “SEXY,” “COEDS” and “FRENCH” should be worked into posts about cooking oil and summers spent at that house down by the lake, where the loons are a’cryin.  If you haven’t gotten it done by now you just may never get to it and, as a result, you’ll never see your blog blossom into the mega-blog it’s meant to be!

So get to it.  NOW!

HOW TO COOK ON CAMP STOVES IN THE RAIN

Let’s say you’re camping, and it’s raining.

You’d be ill-advised to cook on any kind of apparatus OUTSIDE!

But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that bears have snuck into your camping unit – be it a tent, RV or whatever – and they’ve locked you out so that they can consume all of the bacon inside.

Well, it looks as though you are NOT going to have bacon for dinner, my friend!

But that’s okay – you can still have trout, or baked beans – as long as you brought it outside before the bears came – and so it looks as though you’ll be cooking in the rain.

It’s simple!

1. Get a tarp.
2. Cover the fire pit.
3. Wait until it dries off.
4. Start a fire.
5. Cook your trout and/or baked beans.
6. If the bears finish the bacon and come back out..
7. ..run like hell.

photo by Kevin McShane on Flickr

HOW TO PLANT A BEAUTIFUL ROOFTOP GARDEN WHEN YOU
LIVE ON THE FIRST FLOOR OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING

Everyone loves gardens.

BEAUTIFUL gardens, on rooftops!

But we all have mean building superintendents and/or managers who won’t let us go up there and PLANT beautiful rooftop gardens.

Oh, what to DO?

First, it’s helpful if your building superintendent and/or manager is male – doesn’t matter if he’s married or not – just go out and get him the the best damn looking hooker you can find – spare no expense. Pay for about a day’s worth of action, because that’s how long it’s going to take you to get this done.

Send the hooker up to the building superintendent and/or manager’s office and once you hear the appropriate sounds, get to work.  Presumably, you did a little preliminary planning by visiting a nursery before scouting Craigslist for the right girl?

GOOD!

Now get up there and PLANT THAT GARDEN!

Petunias are best in high altitudes – say, over ten stories – and you’ll want to use a high grade topsoil for the roses and radishes (might as well make this as functional as it is beautiful.)

Most importantly, when you hear screaming noises coming from below, your building superintendent and/or manager is just finishing up.

CALL THE COPS!

Give them the apartment number where the action is taking place.  This will assure that your building superintendent and/or manager will go away for a spell, so your newly planted rooftop garden won’t be discovered and ripped out.

CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy the beauty and the breath taking view of the roofs across the street from your very own Garden of Eden!

BRAD AND ANGELINA CALL IT QUITS!

Brangelina call it quits!

Film star BRAD PITT and his lovely film star wife ANGELINA JOLIE called it quits today on the set of their latest action film, “ASSASSIN IN THE RAIN.”

Confidential sources close to the elusive couple cited the reason for “calling it quits” was that every scene scheduled to be shot that day had been completed and the director of the film, Ron Sheldon, was overheard telling the couple, “See you both back here at six AM sharp.”

“BRANGELINA“, as they have been affectionately dubbed by the press, then “called it quits” and went home for the evening or perhaps out to rendezvous with another Hollywood mega-star couple, “TOMKAT“.

Ooooh, hey LOOK!  BEAUTIFUL, SEXY ACTRESSES AND MODELS!

Jessica Alba nearly NUDE at the beach!

Beautiful model with almost NOTHING ON!

Oooooh, and GEORGE CLOONEY!

George Clooney excited and erect!

Okay, that should do it..
Now I’ll just kick back and watch the bucks roll in.

NOTE – Rhodester is currently being held in the dungeon of a fancy resort hotel in Palm Springs California, where they have him chained to a stone wall as he laboriously plows through one training module after another to learn to be a night auditor. It was that or the soup line.

So today we have a guest poster, who happens to be a longtime blogging acquaintance of Rhodester’s. For reasons known only to him he goes by Krispy, and you’ll find his blog here.

In our own humble opinion, his blog is funny most of the time. Kind of depends on how many donuts he’s had.

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Don’t Feed The Bears

Think of this as a public service announcement. It’s something I’m posting simply because it’s a topic I care about and it’s worth taking the time to post it if even one person reads it and thinks about it or looks into it.

This is also an area where my feelings are passionate, and drift close to a mindset associated with those flaky, granola eating, tree hugging hippies. You have no idea how much that bugs me. To find myself agreeing with PETA about anything just makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Nonetheless, on this one topic, I’m in favor of…. (Oh, God, it hurts me to say this)… I’m in favor of animal rights.

There, I said it.

The topic is bears.

I have strong feelings about bears, and I don’t have any idea why. I can’t explain it. I’ve never been involved in any way with preserving or protecting bears, I’ve never spent time with bears, and I don’t believe that I was a bear in a “past life.” Nonetheless, for whatever reason, I’m pretty adamantly pro-bear, and I’m pretty strongly in favor of healthy and rational bear-human relationships.

That is to say, I don’t believe that there should be bear-human relationships. I think that the best thing that humans could do for bears is to leave them the hell alone.

With all of that in mind, please excuse me while I climb atop my soap-box and rant and rave about bears:

Point One: People shouldn’t keep bears in captivity.

Bears don’t do well in zoos. Elephants don’t either, and some people argue that no animals should be kept in zoos. I’ll leave the elephants and other animals for someone else to rail about. I’ll just stick with the bears.

Naturally, bears are roamers. They travel in search of food – that’s just the way they’re built. If you check the internet for stats you’ll find that nobody agrees exactly how far a given bear of a given type will roam in a days time, but the one thing that all sources agree on is that they roam. And they roam far further than they’re allowed in the confines of even the biggest zoo.

When bears are kept in captivity they basically go insane. They sit there in one small area, denied the ability to follow their natural instincts, and they lose their bear minds. It becomes obvious too, as they pace and sway their heads back and forth. This isn’t behavior bears display in the wild. It’s just basic psycho-bear behavior. When you look at bears in zoos, you’re looking at crazy bears. Once you know that, it takes the fun out of it.

On occasion, bears escape from zoos and, well.. you can probably figure out what happens when a crazy bear is loose, roaming the suburbs. It happened at a zoo in my town in December of 2003. It wasn’t pretty.

Zoos aren’t even the worst of it. Circus bears go crazier, and sooner. In Europe, it’s still legal in most places to keep bears in captivity and force them to perform. They typically pull their teeth to try to make them harmless and keep them tied and muzzled, except when they’re being made to “dance.” I can’t imagine why anyone would want to see this kind of thing. It really makes me sick.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those nutcases who’s ready to burn down zoos over bear rights, but I think it’s appropriate to share this information and, hopefully, help change a few minds. If more people speak out in opposition to keeping bears in captivity maybe there’ll be fewer captive bears. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Point Two: People shouldn’t feed, hunt
or otherwise mess with bears in the wild

Okay, my opposition to bear hunting is a hard sell… especially to bear hunters. The case against feeding wild bears, however, is easier to argue, especially since it’s illegal in many (if not most) places in the US.

And there are a number of good reasons why it’s illegal, too. For one thing, bears can really get grouchy. It just ain’t a good idea to attract them. For another thing, bears are far better off eating their own natural foods than eating human foods. According to the Wildlife Conservation Society’s research, bears that eat human food are a third less active and usually overweight. Human food makes bears fat and lazy. And why wouldn’t it? It makes us fat and lazy, after all. Well, anyway, I know it damn sure makes me fat and lazy.

I realize that getting people to agree with me on bear captivity and bear hunting isn’t really likely. Still, if by writing this, I can get a few people to decide that they’ll not try to feed wild bears if they ever have the opportunity, I’ll be happy. Bears have a hard enough time coexisting with us as it is. Heck, a lot of the time they can’t even get along with other bears. Bears are dangerous to people, and we’re dangerous to them, too. A lot of the time, when we cross paths, bears end up being exterminated. That’s unfortunate. Sometimes, contact with humans is fatal to bears in ways that are so sad, even the coldest heart is bound to feel a little sympathy.

While writing this I’ve realized why I have a lot of sympathy for bears – they’re big and often loud, they generally just want to be left alone, junk food makes them fat and lazy, they can be mean, and they don’t get along with anybody.

No, I wasn’t a bear in a “previous life,” but maybe I’m a bear in this one.