The glass is MORE than half-full, sort of..

Hey, guess what?

I have a book coming out soon.

It’s been a long time in planning and execution, but lately I’ve been plugging away more fervently than ever.

This is due to a couple of job prospects falling through, and the impending starvation and eviction that goes along with that territory.

The wolves are at the door, so to speak.

But being a glass-half-full kind of guy, I’m looking at it as though I’m not meant to work for those folks, but I am meant to get the darned book out and go from there.

So, once I’ve gulped down the remaining half of the glass and gotten this book finished, would you guys be interested in it? It’ll be a good read, I promise!

Here’s an excerpt..

“Suddenly,”

What do you think?

It turns out I have a lot of occasions of the use of the word “suddenly,” which I understand is not uncommon to most authors.

I already have approximately 52,000 words ready to go, so I just have to get rid of the excessive usage of “suddenly,” which will bring it down to like 43,000 words, and usage of the word “like,” which will trim another 5000 off of it, and I’m all set.

Then my ABOUT PAGE won’t say “the author of numerous books that haven’t been written yet,” but will instead say “the author of Those Pesky Alien Implants, which is available on Amazon, and numerous other books that haven’t been written yet.”

Yes, that’s what it’s called.. “Those Pesky Alien Implants.” This is because the first story is about the time my old pal Bryan and I were almost kidnapped by aliens and we probably had implants placed into us.

You see? It’s a fun read! Despite the fact that you’ve read that very account on this blog before, and other accounts of goofy things that have happened to me, which will also be in this book.

But it isn’t just a collection of posts from this blog. No sir, it’s much more! It will have a couple of things that haven’t been posted here, like the cover art and an ISBN code!

So keep an eye out for Those Pesky Alien Implants, coming soon! Or better yet just watch this blog, because I’ll certainly be letting everyone know once it’s out.

And then you can suddenly, like, you know..

Buy it.

Thank you.

PS.. Aw heck, okay.. here’s a real excerpt..

I was a tad concerned the chicken might poop on his lap, but I quietly reassured myself that he’s probably figured out a way to get past that, or else he just doesn’t mind.

Because the thing is –- and I speak as a person who’s had chickens, but not one who’s ever taken said chickens on a train –- that it’s really difficult to teach them not to poop, unlike a puppy or a kitten.

Not that those are easy, but at least one CAN teach a puppy to only go outdoors and a kitten to use a litter box, but with a chicken, or any kind of bird, really, you just kind of have a little random poop machine that discharges when it needs to without regard to where it is or who’s company it’s in.

A chicken would poop on the Pope’s hat if that’s where it happened to be at the moment, or on a park bench, a new Corvette, the roof of a Walmart, or in the cockpit of an F-18 Hornet. A chicken would even poop on Dorian without having read her blog first.

And to make it worse, birds (including chickens) don’t even poop easy little pellets that are simple to pick up, like rabbits do. They mix their poop and pee so it’s all runny like an egg, or like me following a night of too much beer chasing a plate of bad tamales.

Speaking of eggs, it occurred to me that the chicken might lay an egg on the guy’s lap, or the pretty blonde girl’s if it stepped over to hers. That would have been hilarious.

But the guy didn’t seem concerned about poop or eggs. He just went on telling the girl about how the chicken is his best friend, and she laughed and said, “Well, that’s cool!” while I looked around for the hidden camera. But really, why not, you know? A lot of people here in San Francisco have dogs and an almost equal amount have cats, and sometimes people have other things like rats, snakes, mice, parrots and turtles.

It’s just that, when out and about, you mostly see dogs. You don’t see cats a lot, given the nature of cats and how they dislike being walked on leashes, and you almost never see the rats, snakes, mice and turtles, although I did talk to a drunk guy at a bus stop one time who had a little snake wrapped around his wrist. He put it in his pocket when the bus came and he said, “I hope I remember it’s there and don’t sit on it like I did my last one.”

Yeah, that would suck for the snake.

You can’t really put a chicken in your pocket unless you’re a clown, in which case it’s your job to walk around with a chicken in your pocket, so the guy yesterday had it on his lap and because of that, I learned something poignant..

I learned not to judge someone’s choice of domesticated pet, even if that species of pet happens to be served in almost every restaurant in town.

Which reminds me of how I almost complimented the guy on his chicken, because I’m very complimentary that way, but considering my compliment was going to be “Wow, she looks delicious,” I’m glad now that I didn’t.

Okay, so yeah.. it’s that kind of book. David Sedaris watch your ass.

It seems as though Dorian and I move every few years. This is because we get word that the feds are closing in, so we pack up and skedaddle.

The thing is, were it just me, the skedaddling would be quick and easy because the packing would be done in a couple of minutes.

But she likes books. Oh BOY HOWDY does she like books! She has boxes and boxes upon boxes of books, that all need to be loaded up into the truck, which usually gets done just as the dust cloud from the black SUVs appear on the horizon. I always manage to slam the door shut, jump in the cab and gun it just in the nick of time, but one of these days, man.. ONE OF THESE DAYS..

It sure would be nice if there were some way to consolidate all of her books into one tiny box, that can be shoved into the glove-box as we flee. You know, something that can hold a thousand books, and that would look nice, and that we can put new books in as we go along, moving from state to state.

This fancy little box would have an attractive color so has not to stand-out, and it would have some kind of means of connecting to a huge book distribution system provided by the phone company that would show Dorian what kind of books there are and would allow her to buy the book wherever she is, and it would put the book right into the box for her.

There would be lots of books on the system, and by lots we don’t mean a hundred, or a thousand. We mean like a million-jillion books, all available for her to check-out and put into her box right away. There would be books from classic authors, modern-day authors, old and new authors, little and big authors and just about any author one can think up. There would be books that have been around for centuries, like the bible and stuff from Shakespeare, right along with brand-new stuff every day. HUNDREDS of new things! She’d never get bored.

There’d be newspapers too, only she wouldn’t get ink on her fingers. Oh, and magazines! She’d have like a million different magazines to choose from as we zoom along the highway glancing fretfully into the rear-view mirror.

And if she wanted to protect her little box of books, because the road gets dusty when we try evasive maneuvers, there would be beautiful covers for her to choose from and lights for her to read her books during all-night long hauls as we take all those back roads to avoid the checkpoints, and straps to hold the box. There would just be all kinds of nifty little things to go with it.

And during those times when the box can’t talk to the phone company, it could just talk to the Internet. She’d pretty much always have a connection to the big book place, where she could peruse all those books, magazines, newspapers and blogs.

Yeah, it sure would be nice if Dorian had something like that instead of a truck full of burdensome boxes. We’d get better gas mileage AND we’d go a lot faster!

If only there were such a thing.

Let me start by saying I’m a terrible salesman.

This isn’t because I don’t know how to do it, but rather that I don’t care for it. I detest the idea of selling someone a sucky product or a good product that they don’t really need or want, and let’s face it, a big part of sales is to convince someone that they need or want something when they really didn’t start out that way.

But let’s say you have a good product, like my friend who wrote some cool books that are available on Amazon. There are certain methods of letting people know about these books that are preferable over other methods.

I’ll ‘splain..

Years ago I worked at a radio station that ran paid programs all day and night. The client would buy a block of time and their program would air in the time-slot they paid for. The station would give their program another run in the early morning hours, when there was hardly any audience.

One time I was on the phone with someone while in the studio and the boss overheard me say that we charge for the first airing of a particular program, which was at three in the afternoon, and we gave the client a “freebie” play at two in the morning.

When I got off the phone the boss admonished me to never use the term “freebie,” but rather to refer to it as a “bonus run.” I didn’t work in sales for the station, so I didn’t know any of that stuff and I thought it was kind of petty at the time. Now I realize he had a point.

As much as I detest sales, there are certain techniques and terminology that come into play that are more effective, and one can either use them for something good or something evil. Hey, it’s just like knives! You can use them to cut your meat or stab someone, it’s up to you!

So, let’s not stab anyone here.. let’s instead just learn a more effective way to carve our collective turkeys.

What got my attention was that my friend, who admits that he has all the marketing and sales experience of an Albanian Yak, was constantly posting phrases such as this on his Twitter and Facebook streams..

“You can now buy my latest novel at Amazon! Click this link!”

and..

“I’m having a contest to give away a copy of my book, click here to enter and while you’re at it look at the other ones that are for sale!”

and..

“My book is now only 99 cents in the Amazon store!”

All I saw was “ME,” “MY” and “MONEY.”

So I skyped him, because we’re pals and I knew he’d be able to take some constructive criticism. I prefaced it with saying that it’s all just my opinion and I’m certainly not any marketing expert, but that I know of preferable methods for promotion and it all pretty-much comes down to the wording.

First of all, people don’t want to hear about money.

The money is what they’re going to (hopefully) send to YOU, so leave it out of the equation. When they click the link you provide they’ll see how much something costs, so let them get there before they get to that part. Everything you promote should be about what you can do for them, and since you’re not sending them any money then don’t mention money.

Also, when using adjectives such as “wonderful” and “amazing,” write it in the third-person, so as not to make yourself seem like a pompous ass.

BAD – “Check out my fantastic new ebook about Albanian Yak migration that’s now available on Amazon for only 99 cents!”

BETTER – “Rhodester’s fantastic new ebook on Albanian Yak migration is now available on Amazon for only 99 cents!”

BEST – “Rhodester’s fantastic new ebook on Albanian Yak migration is now available on Amazon!”

NUMBERS

My friend also posted this, which he said was only so fellow writers could track his progress, but the bad part was that everyone could see it..

“My novel sold 14 copies yesterday, and 19 today!”

Granted, he was excited about that and when a person hasn’t sold anything and then alla-sudden they sell 14 copies, it’s kind of cool. It’s also cool to his wife, friend and brother or sister.

But if you don’t know him and you don’t know it’s a first-time self-published novel that’s just been launched, then 14 seems like an incredibly low number. And 14 sales in one day translates to only 14 people out of the billions on this planet who are actually interested enough to plunk down a buck for the thing.

I told him to let me know when it’s 14,000 a day.

The thing is, ratings, numbers and stats don’t necessarily translate to quality but LOW ratings, numbers and stats don’t do anyone any good at all when it comes to promoting something.

REVIEWS

My friend asked about linking to reviews of his book on Amazon. Here’s how I feel about pushing that angle..

I’ve been married for over twenty years and if my wife says I should check something out, there’s an incredibly good chance I’m going to like it. Not only do I know her pretty damned well but she knows me and what my tastes are.

But if I read a glowing report from Alfred Schmoozenburger about my friend’s book, why should I give it any weight at all? Maybe Alfred is a complete kook! Maybe, if I knew Alfred, I’d find that we don’t agree on a single damned thing in this life, including our taste in fiction.

Apologies if your name is Alfred Schmoozenberger. For more than the obvious reason.

This is why reviews don’t pack much of a punch for me, unless I know and respect the source. If you can get a well-known author or celebrity to endorse your book, then by all means use it like crazy in your promotion.. otherwise leave Alfred at Amazon.

I was relieved my friend took my suggestions and adjusted his methods accordingly. I don’t like giving advice, especially unsolicited, but in this case I just want to see him sell more books and I think he will now that he’s changing his approach a bit.

In summation, if you have something to promote then remember these points..

• It’s not about money. It’s about the customer/reader/viewer.
• It’s not about you, it’s about the product. Write promos in the third person or better yet, get someone else to say how wonderful your product is.
• Full reviews don’t matter much unless the reviewer matters to the reader.
• Numbers don’t matter unless they’re high. If you don’t mind straining your ethics, you can make them seem high..

WRONG – “My book sold 10 copies yesterday and 20 today!”

RIGHT – “Rhodester’s book sales doubled overnight!”

I probably wouldn’t even go there unless my sales had gone from 10,000 to 20,000 in 24 hours and even then, it’s not about what a great product I have for people, it’s just saying that 20,000 knuckleheads like it.

But most of them are probably Albanian Yaks.

——————————————————–

Hey, before you go, check out this WONDERFUL BOOK on AMAZON!

I think every pansy and fancy-pants dandy oughta read Jack London’s classic novel, “The Sea-Wolf.” Heck, I’m only about a third of the way through it and I’m already becoming more of a man.

It’s about this guy (a fancy-pants dandy, of course) who falls overboard in San Francisco Bay when two ferry-boats collide, and he gets picked up by this outbound sailing ship, which was really the only kind of ship they had at the time, beings how the novel is set in the 1800′s.

He begs and pleads for the captain to take him ashore, which is how we say “to shore” because we’re being all nautical; but the gruff, salty ol’ sea captain refuses and instead brings him on as a cabin boy. So this guy who was simply trying to get from San Francisco to Sausalito on a ferry, which is usually about a half-hour trip, suddenly finds himself headed out to sea where he’s going to spend the rest of the year a’sealin, which is how we say “hunting for seals.”

You’ve heard of whaling ships, I’m sure. This is similar except they hunt seals instead of whales, so it’s a sealing ship.

I know, huh?

I don’t think they can do that nowadays, since I’ve never heard of it, but I guess they did in the olden days. On this ship they have these boats and seal hunters who get in the boats with rifles and go up to the ice flows once they’re up there in the North, and they shoot the seals. Then they bring them back to the ship and the ship brings them back to San Francisco.

But I digress..

The book isn’t really about seal hunting, I guess, because I’m only a third of the way into it right now, but it’s more about how the fancy-pants dandy dude learns about life. He works really hard and gets beat-up a few times and gets some callouses and grows some muscles. It’s so full of machismo that every time I read a paragraph I practically sprout a new chest hair.

I’m kind of mesmerized by this story because, well..

It seems to be about me.

I originally picked this book to read for two reasons. The first one is that it was a free download on Kindle because it’s a classic, and I’m too broke right now to afford any books that were written in the past fifty years. I don’t have a Kindle, but I do have a netbook with a Kindle app and I have a whole bunch of these type of books already downloaded onto it.

The second reason I picked this book is that I thought it was about San Francisco, because Jack London lived here and we even have a square named after him called “Jack London Square,” which is actually over in Oakland. That’s across the bay, so you’d need a ferry-boat or the Bay Bridge to get there. After reading this book, I’m inclined to take the bridge.

But it turns out that the story isn’t so much about San Francisco because in the very beginning our hero steps onto a ferry-boat and leaves, and probably doesn’t return, although I really don’t know at this point because I’m only a third of the way into it.

But it’s shaping up to actually be a book about me, because I’m learning some of life’s hard lessons just like the dandy dude in the story. I haven’t fallen off a ferry-boat and been whisked to the North Pole on a sailing ship, but in a way I feel like the rug has been pulled out and I’ve lost my safety-net, so I’m plunging into the abyss with no certainty of a bright future. But by-gum, I’m just going to have to hitch up my drawers, roll up my sleeves and get to work behind the plow.

Those are all metaphors.. I don’t have a plow, there’s no abyss, I generally wear short-sleeved shirts and I don’t chew gum. But you know what I’m saying, right?

I’m saying life’s giving me a good pummeling right now and I’m coming out the better for it, but as opposed to our hero in the book I get to stay right here in San Francisco, and not get sea-sick or anything.

But I AM staying away from ferry-boats. Just for the time being.

We have borrowed RhodesTer for the weekend – again – to complete a series of tests that we implemented the first time around. We are QUITE fascinated with his brain, and therefore we’re trying to extract particular DNA strands for the purpose of behavioral modification in our domesticated house pets.

Just before he went under and we inserted the probes, RhodesTer requested that we contact JOELY BLACK, the author of THE AMNAR SERIES to have her fill in. We were hesitant at first, until RhodesTer informed us that she goes by the moniker “The Charm Quark” on Twitter.

There’s just something about a human who has a quark in their name, so we forged ahead – the title of this guest posting is, “The Tony Soprano of Amazon.”

We don’t get it.. who’s Tony Soprano?

ZORQ, the Magnificate of Zenus 12-46.t3

The other day I got my very first death threat.

I called a friend, ostensibly to ask what I should do about it, and he asked what it was all about. So I had to explain.

“Well, you see,” I said, “I tried to buy Painter X on Amazon, only I bought it from one of the marketplace sellers for £20 and it turns out this is a bad idea because what they do is they send you a re-writable DVD with a copy of Painter X which isn’t for Mac that they downloaded from Pirate Bay for nothing but they made me pay £20 for it. Plus postage and packing.”

“You’re talking in run-on sentences,” he remarked. “Did you contact Amazon about it?”

“I did, but Amazon said I had to talk to the seller first, and give them three days to reply,” I explained. I’d given them time, and they came back and offered me a bunch of other software, which pretty much exactly matched what was currently available for Mac at Pirate Bay. “They weren’t very good at writing English in their emails,” I added.

“It’s a shame it wasn’t about Amnar,” my friend pointed out. We commiserated over the fact that my fiction had not yet caused a storm of angry people to burn my books for a bit, and then I explained about the death threat proper.

After receiving the email back with a selection of software from Pirate Bay that they could download for me (saving me the bother, I suppose), I replied asking for a refund. I thought this was fair enough. If they’d said in their product description that it was “just the disc” I’d have stayed well clear, but they just said it was new and that it would be available in 24 hours. Obviously, I didn’t expect them to write “This product has been illegally downloaded from the internet for the cost of exactly £0 but we’re going to charge you £20 because we figure that’s what our lives are worth if we get arrested for it. Which we won’t because there’s almost no way anybody can catch us doing this anyway.”

The next day I received an email back, in rather broken English, telling me that they had been more than reasonable and would “punish anybody who stood in the way of their business.” They had mouths to feed, apparently, and families dependent on the income.

I decided to call Amazon rather than email the seller again, because obviously I was wasting my time. Amazon very politely said that they would refund me the money immediately and deal with the matter themselves. I sent them copies of the emails. A couple of days later, I received an email from the seller, or the seller pretending to be somebody else:

“You have to excuse my pal Al, he couldn’t talk and type so good, we could have grabbed your balls by now

We have given you all the reasons, but you don’t seems to appreciate it, which makes me very sad and angry

Although I have got the ok from my capo, I wanna make sure that you are the right asshole we are going to pinch

Our proposition is plain and simple, we need the money to eat, you can go crying to your moms or the cops, as long as we keep the dough, there’s no problem

Otherwise the contract will be carried out, and you will a very nice early Christmas

*If we don’t see the claim being removed within the next 24 hours, the contract will be carried out, and you will face all the consequences

This conversation is now final

Kindest regards,”

I called a friend and asked how much it would cost to have me killed. “About £100,” he said. “Life is cheap. Also, they don’t understand basic gang slang.”

Let me remind you, this was over £20. And postage and packing. £3.95. So my life was in the running for about £23.95. At least, however, he managed to be polite at the end.

At this point, I was actually slightly annoyed. I wanted to email them back and point out that they would be losing £80 they clearly desperately needed if they attempted to have me killed, and that anyway, I’d already discussed it on the podcast and with Amazon so everybody would know exactly where to look if I did show up dead. Furthermore, I wanted to say, I have so many more important things to be scared about than you. Please go away. P.S. I have a battle-ready sword and know how to use it.

My favourite part was the ‘kindest regards’ at the end. “We’re going to kill you, love and kisses.”

As you can tell, I managed to survive Christmas and nothing happened. At least, not yet. I thought that was pretty much the end of the whole affair. I was refunded my money, and life went on as normal. Nobody attempted to kill me. I didn’t wake up one morning in the middle of a movie directed by Guy Ritchie starring a babbling Brad Pitt and Jason Statham’s accent.

About a month later, Amazon emailed me about the transaction. “Dear Amazon User, We hope you are satisfied with your recent transaction with X. Please leave feedback on their seller page to let them know what you thought!”

I was astounded. What does one say in feedback to a death threat?

“Highly disappointed. Seller failed to deliver on threat and I am still alive. Was not offered refund. Recommend you do not deal with seller again as their threats are highly disappointing in both style and content.”