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aliens

Happy Holidays and Pxlrph SM2lx, Gorf!

by RhodesTer on December 19, 2009

RhodesTer at the windowWe’ll soon be entering Christmas week here at The RhodesTer Chronicles, and we assume you will be too.

It’s been “the holidays” for a while now, starting sometime around early October when everyone was “getting into the Halloween spirit.” We saw a lot of orange and black decorations surrounded by pumpkins, and babies dressed as little ghosts and goblins. Then, a short time later, we started seeing fall leaves and hay, and babies dressed as little turkeys, at least here in the states. I know you international readers don’t celebrate “Thanksgiving,” you ungrateful bastards.

Then, just a few weeks ago, we started seeing a lot of red, green and blue ornaments surrounded by tinsel and fake snow, and babies dressed as little elves, the baby Jesus or tiny rabbits depending on their parent’s religion.

I mean.. Rabbis.

Christmas is coming, and it’s bringing Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and some other things right along with it, all in one big sleigh.

I love the holidays, but especially Christmas. Coffeesister and I have been down on our luck a few times over the years and once even had to celebrate Christmas in a sleazy motel room. We invited the crack addicts from #32 in for eggnog, and then the cops who came to bust them.

We could have a great Christmas in a Turkish prison cell with a fork we’d make into a Christmas tree and rat turds hung on it for ornaments, because it’s not really in the trappings, you know? It’s the spirit of the whole thing, and I don’t care if you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist or from Fresno, I know you’re off shopping and getting ready for a wonderful holiday that you’re going to celebrate in any way you see fit.

This is obvious because very few of you are dropping in on this blog this week. I’m probably going to have almost nobody dropping in this weekend, and I’ll certainly have no one the few days proceeding Christmas.

I know this because I use Google Analytics, which tattles on you all and tells me who visits and when, plus what kind of browser and operating system you have, and what time of day you visited and what you had for breakfast.

“Count Chocula,” Rick Rockhill? Really? Look in a mirror, bro.

These are my stats for Friday December 18th at late in the evening..

Sucky Stats

Yeah I know, huh?

Google Analytics also has a setting where you can see who’s not visiting. I tried that once and had to get a new computer, after paying off the damage done to the the apartment complex from the fire.

So, I’m thinking, “Why am I even bothering to post?” Well, because I want to keep momentum going and not let this blog die a slow, agonizing death like my goldfish did that time I went to Vegas and forgot to ask the neighbor to feed it.

He wouldn’t have anyway, because he was still mad over the apartment fire thing.

So I post to keep momentum going but why am I even trying to compose halfway intelligible sentences when hardly anyone is going to read it? I could (and should) just post something like this..

Ugart youreghy thwog. Ghartve! 7bnoooprets annv litpsarch, nower tlop oone bsat! 8!

That would be fun, but I’m sure I’d get angry comments from Gorf, Supreme Ruler of Xopsis 2, criticizing my take on the litpsarch situation.

I could just post random funny pictures..

Nachos as big as your ASS

But there are websites that do that already. Where do you think I get them?

No, it’s probably best that I just write something in English no matter how nonsensical it is, and then post it and hope some harried shopper takes a break to sit down long enough to read it, then click on the banner at the bottom. Not the one for the daily video or to subscribe to the blog, but the one that sells something. Then I’ll get a small percentage of that in cash, which I can save up and eventually buy another new computer after checking the who’s not visiting stat page, and on and on and on it goes.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanuka, Joyous Kwanzaa and Pxlrph SM2lx!

Christmas Alien Gnome by Florian on Flickr

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We Are Of Peace.. Always. Now Hand Over Your Dogs.

by RhodesTer on November 4, 2009

Last night ABC premiered a new series called “V,” which is pronounced “VEE,” and it stars a babelicious actress named Morena Baccarin. Coffeesister and I watched it and all I can say is that had I KNOWN Morena Baccarin was the babelicious reptilian leader of a powerful alien race, I never would have let her near my dogs. She might have eaten them.

Morena Baccarin as Anna, the dog-eating alienAt this point longtime readers of this blog are rolling their eyes as they say, “There he goes again, with that stupid story about how Morena Baccarin lived in his building and he met her one day while walking his dogs.”

Morena Baccarin as a simple, babelicious dog-walking humanWell now I don’t HAVE to tell that story, smarty-pants longtime readers of this blog! You’ve already told it! But did you tell new readers about how she said I had nice looking dogs and how I said I liked her dog and then she thanked me and then later coffeesister and I were watching a new series called “Firefly” and hey, there she was?

You should also tell them how I didn’t know she was a hot-shot actress during the dog-walking bit and how surprised I was to see her pop-up as a main character in Firefly and how I was suddenly walking the dogs about seven to ten times a day after that.

So last night we’re watching “V” because we both like sci-fi but I also make it a point to see anything Morena Baccarin is in, like Stargate and the movie about Firefly that was called Serenity, and we noticed that another actor was in it who was with Morena Baccarin in Firefly and Serenity and we’re both thinking, “Geez, does Wash have to get killed in EVERY DAMN THING HE’S IN?”

The answer, evidently, is YES.

The very unlucky Alan Tudyk, aka WASH“V” was originally a TV miniseries in 1983 and I’m glad they decided to remake it and touch-up some things that kind of bugged me, like not having Morena Baccarin as the leader of the alien race. Of course she was only four years old then, so I guess that would have been a bit silly.

But they updated other things that would appeal to an audience of 2009, like the part where the aliens offer the citizens of earth universal healthcare.

No, seriously.. that was in there. Scott Wolf was this bigshot reporter who interviewed Morena Baccarin as Anna, the babelicious leader of the alien race, and she offered the citizens of earth universal healthcare.

I had to go smoke a cigarette after that.

UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE FOR ALL

We’ve been watching the original miniseries because they’ve been playing it in preparation of last night’s big debut of the new “V,” and we’ve been laughing at the special effects that we thought were so awesome back in 1983, because compared to the awesome special effects in last night’s “V” they are pretty cheesy.

However, we know that someday we’ll think last night’s special effects were cheesy because the new special effects will be REALLY awesome, which will probably be because we’ll be watching the real reptilians come to earth and take over.

All I ask is that they’re lead by that babelicious Morena Baccarin and that she doesn’t eat our dogs.

Morena Baccarin as Anna, the dog-eating alien, and Viggo Mortesen as a security guard okay not really

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Close Encounters

January 14, 2009
Thumbnail image for Close Encounters

A story about.. something.

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They’re made out of meat

September 29, 2007

I first saw this in or about 1995, and haven’t seen it since.  It was originally published in Omni Magazine in 1991, and although I don’t usually post other people’s material, I was so glad to see this again I couldn’t resist.  I had completely forgotten about it which is a shame, it’s an awesome [...]

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