(Not to be confused with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em ROBOTS)
(Additional note – we’re pretty sure the plural of HOBO is not HOBI)
Living in the city, we have found there are two things we can always count on when it comes to hobos..
- The first is that they will never believe that we don’t have any cash on us.
- The second is that when coffeesister and I are together, they will insist on some kind of show of affection between us.
We are often approached while waiting for a bus and the first thing usually said is something like, “How you folks doin? You wouldn’t happen to have a quarter would ya? Fifty cents? Maybe a dollar?”
We quickly apologize..
“Sorry, we don’t have any cash on us.”
This will be followed by..
“Even just a dime would help.”
To which we reply..
“No, sorry… no dimes, nickles, quarters or dollars.. no cash.”
Then we get the request for a show of affection..
“Well, das alright then, you seem like a nice couple.. you should hold hands! Go on man, take her hand!”
Sometimes we comply but more often than not we tell them we just kissed an hour ago and since we’ve been married for twenty years, we need to save up our energy for the next one later after we get home.
Then the first question comes again, because you know, we weren’t being honest the first time around..
“Well alrighty, I don’t mean to pry or nuthin’ but all I need is like a dollar or somethin’ so I can eat, or maybe jus’ a quarter would help.”
Then a hand is held out expectantly towards us, as we explain again..
“WE DO NOT HAVE ANY MONEY ON US.”
THEN, even though they give up, they still don’t believe us..
“All right man, you don’t have to get that way if you don’t want to help, I was jus’ needin’ something to eat is all and askin’ for some change, but if you don’t wanna give me nothin’ then thas alright..”
This is usually the point where they shuffle off to panhandle someone else, unless they’re drunk or high enough to continue trying us until our bus comes, like the guy last night.
He walked away a couple of times but kept coming back. Each time he turned to do so, I’d whisper to coffesister, “Damn, he’s coming back” and then he’d be on us again, hand out, begging for change and insisting that we kiss each other.
He got a little too close at one point so he was warned to back off. He took issue with that and stomped away, only to apologetically return moments later..
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get in your space, I’m a bad, bad man! I just need some change so I can eat something..”
Hand out..
“WE-DO-NOT-HAVE-ANY-CHANGE-OR-BILLS.”
Is there some kind of Hobo handbook that says “NEVER BELIEVE YOUR MARK?” Does it warn them that people waiting at bus stops will always lie about not having change, and that persistence is key?
Does it have a chapter that says a hobo should encourage a couple to engage in romantic gestures because it makes the hobo seem cute and charming, and like he cares or something? Or is the hobo living vicariously through the man at that moment, which is one of the things we find to be kind of icky about that request.
The truth is, we don’t know because we aren’t hobos. We’ve come close to being hobos, but we hope not to be and therefore haven’t a clue when it comes to the street-smarts required for the job.
We’re sure to be approached again because it’s the way of the wild out there on the mean city streets, so we’re going to ask the next hobo why he doesn’t believe us about change and why he wants to see us kiss.
We say “HE” because there seem to be few girl hobos, although they’re around, but they don’t press the change thing or insist on affectionate displays. They tend to give in easily and shuffle forlornly away as if we’d just informed them the world was ending at midnight.
Either that or they cuss us out.
What we’re going to do, should there be a girl hobo nearby when the next boy hobo insists on a display of affection, is to insist that first the boy and girl hobo hold hands and kiss, and then we will.
It will be fun to watch him try, and to watch her gouge his eyes out.
We could bring a video camera and start a whole new set of BUM FIGHTS.
Hey, there’s a way to make some change! Looks like we actually WILL have to lie to them from now on!
“Sorry, we don’t carry any cash but you see that girl hobo over there? Could you go kiss her? But let me turn on my cam first!”
KA-CHING!
But don’t worry, we still have some scruples, so we draw the line at hobo-porn.
Ewww..
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I once observed a female hobo laying McDonald’s breakfast fare (still barely in their wrappers) out upon the sidewalk, just around the corner from the McDonald’s Death Outlet I happened to be walking past one fine morning, shortly after it had opened.
I imagine she was looking to sell the questionable fodder for some spare change. Didn’t stick around to watch, but to this day I wonder how she obtained all that (at least 20 Sumpin’ Muffins & Biscuits), and whether she got it out of their dumpster or from a sympathetic employee, or if she just up and stole it at teethpoint.
I’ll never know.
That’s a new one. Usually it’s the guys selling bus permits for a dollar or batteries lifted from Walgreens. Although when in the Castro recently I had a guy approach me with a pink cake box and ask if I’d like a piece of cake for fifty cents. Uh, no thanks.
BTW, at first glance I thought “Lapdog” was “Lawdog.”
I almost had the torches lit and villagers roused up.
Yes to “Bum Fights!” Let the change gingle….;)
The what?
I think Nickleback meant “jingle”.
Perhaps. But we’re a forgiving lot here at The RhodesTer Chronicles.