I have to go get certified in CPR later today.
This stands for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation and, although I’ve been certified before, I have to go REcertify because I’ve forgotten how to do it and it’s a requirement in my current job.
It’s kind of like playing the lotto. You can look at getting CPR certified as being like buying a lotto ticket, and then you hope that someone has a heart attack soon so that you can save them. This would be like getting matching numbers, only they say that 80-90% of heart attack victims who are given CPR in public die anyway, so that’d be like not getting the mega-number to match. You’d win for a time, but in the long run it wouldn’t really count. No, you’d only win completely if they survive, so that’d be like getting ALL the numbers to match, the odds of which are really slim.
The biggest difference is that wherein I only pay a buck for the lotto ticket, the CPR course costs $55.00, which my employer pays, so that’s not so bad, except they pay by reimbursement. Not having $55.00 at the moment, I have to go to the hotel first and take out a cash advance on my paycheck, then pay for the course when I get to the fire station where it’s being held, then get reimbursed later for the $55.00 I spent that really wasn’t mine in the first place because I borrowed it from my employer, who’s paying me back so I can pay them back.
It’s not complicated in the least.
Then, after I’m all certified and stuff, I have to hope that while I’m on duty at the hotel, someone will have a heart attack so that I can save them. The odds may be against me, but hey.. I took a stroll through the woodland areas of Palm Springs the other day and found a beautiful girl who’d fallen from a bridge and was lying helplessly in a creek just as a crocodile was about to eat her, and I saved HER.. and I’d say the odds of that happening were probably slim to none. Good thing I snapped a pic of my encounter just prior to pulling her away from the raging beast, so I could prove it…
So, here’s hoping that some wealthy old guy who’s eaten WAY too much red meat during his lifetime and who has a really bitchy wife along with super-high cholesterol decides to stay at our hotel this week and then clutches his chest and drops to the floor, where I can perform my magic and then reap the benefits of his gratitude in a monetary sense. Then I can buy the hotel and hire my own security guy and send HIM to CPR training so that he can save ME someday, as the circle of life continues.
..and so on and so on and so on..
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I always take the classes hoping that I never have to use it.
As a teacher, I’m actually surprised that it isn’t a required to be trained in CPR. I wonder why some professions enforce this and others don’t.
Eee-wwww! Palm Springs woodlands appear polluted. And that crocodile needs dental braces. And that girl…omigosh, she needs some meat on her bones. I’m sorry that the croc even bothered with her.
Be sure that new security guy can get an advance on his salary.
Jezus, I saw that headline and thought you were talking about giving birth. Eeeew!
Yeah, it’s not like I’m HOPING for someone to have a heart attack. Maybe just a little heartburn, since I took a course on that too. I now keep antacids handy for guests.
This may have something to do with the lack of heart attacks among fourth graders. Our liability at the hotel is much greater, especially on BINGO! nights.
I have nothing
Probably not.. I think I’ve tapped out the budget by taking advances on MY salary.
I’m not even “expecting”.
Now those are handy items to have around!!