Fabulous Headdresses And Other Fagorious Metaphors

June 26, 2010

in Humor/Satire,San Francisco,The BEST of TRC

Note – In honor of PRIDE WEEKEND here in San Francisco, I am resurrecting this blast from the past that is possibly the best explanation of gay people that I’ve ever come up with. I can say that because it’s the only explanation of gay people that I’ve ever come up with.

Today I am going to talk about gay people and gay issues.

This is because absolutely no one else is talking about them, and you never hear anything about their wants, needs, desires and politics, so I might as well bring it up.

HA HA HA!

That’s sarcasm.

Actually, we hear about it all the time, and you can’t swing a dead cat here in San Francisco without ruffling a gay person’s ascot.  But I just want to put in my two cents.  By the way, this editorial may be slightly overpriced.

I’ll start by saying that I have some gay friends who are pretty cool people.  I’ve also met some gay people in the past who are not my friends because they’re not so cool.  It’s kind of like having a cat that plays a lot and another cat who sleeps more than cats normally do.

For some reason I’m using cats a lot in my illustrations.

I’ll try and stop.

Drag Cat by rockmixer on Flickr

The thing is, as people, we’re all different.  There are good and bad white people, good and bad black people, good and bad Asian people and good and bad American Indians, who prefer to be called “Native Americans,” but I like “Indians” because it brings me back to my childhood when I used to play “Cowboys and Indians” until supper, when Mom would call us in just before putting the cat out.

Damn.

Okay, so getting back to gay people..

There are those who think gay people are like cowboys, in that they become gay over time, just like cowboys decide at some point to start punching cows (whatever that means) and rounding ‘em up.  There are others, present company included, who think that certain people are born gay, just like the Indians.

Not that the Indians are born gay — I’m saying that Indians are born Indians — stay with me, darn it.

So NOT gay

Indians who try to be cowboys are not usually very successful at it, as you’ll see if you watch a lot of John Wayne movies.  Heck, in those movies they don’t even try.  But they can be a cowboy if they want, because a cowboy isn’t something you’re born to be, unless you’re John Wayne.

But you just don’t see a lot of Indian Cowboys.

So it’d be more like if Indians tried to be cats (damn) because you are either born an Indian or born a cat, but you can’t really be both.  However, you can be an Indian’s cat if you want.

I’ve known gay people who’ve tried to be cats.. er, I mean straight people.. but it never seems to work because all they can think about is wanting to be gay and their hearts aren’t really into being straight.

I’ve even known of a gay cowboy or two..

Technically, they were Sheepherders

But if a person who is attracted to members of the same sex tries to go out and be attracted to members of the opposite sex, they usually just end up being really good friends and go shopping together a lot.

Now, here’s the thing..

I know this Christian guy, Mike, who says that the whole gay thing is an “abomination before God,” and all of that.  I’ve known him for a lot of years and, even though he’s married now, I knew him back when he used to say that abomination thing as he was on his way to a motel to shack up for three days with some chick who he’d bone like crazy.

Actually, Mike boned a lot of chicks in his hey day.  He was quite the ladies man, in that all he had to do was walk up to them and say “HEY,” and they’d drop their pants.

Now, before you go saying that Mike is a hypocrite, let me just check my stats to make sure he’s not a reader of this blog..

Okay, he’s not.  Go ahead and say it.

The thing about Mike is that he was born liking chicks.  Well, to be technical he probably started finding titties to be tantalizing when he was around 11 or 12, but you know what I mean.  I’m bringing him up because I remember him talking about a wedding between two gay people he worked with and how he would not be going to that wedding, because of the abomination thing.

So I asked him if he had fun that past weekend when he shacked up in the motel and boned that chick for three days.

He said yes, he did.. then he thanked me very much for asking, and offered to introduce me to her sister.

Other issues aside, Mike was always polite and courteous.

gay madrid by alex castella on flickr

But you see, guys like Mike think that all gay people are cowboys and that they choose to round up members of the same sex before punching ‘em, when in reality they’re all a bunch of Indians who are just really attracted to other Indians.  They find their fellow Indians to be quite lovely, and all they want to do is be left alone to pow-wow in peace.

Now, I realize that there are Indians who say “God made me the way I am” and there are Cowboys who say “God doesn’t make mistakes,” but make no mistake.. if an Indian wants another Indian then you best just git along and leave ‘em be, or else you’ll probably get scalped, with “scalped” being a metaphor for “gay lobbyists pushing legislators to pass laws allowing them to get married and enjoy the same civil rights under the law as straight people.”

This being the case, you’re going to just be better off sitting back and enjoying that parade of pretty headdresses.  Those gorgeous, fabulous headdresses!

in costume by moriza on flickr

That’s all I have to say.. I’m done now.

I have to go feed the cat.

DAMN.

Tell the WORLD..
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Scott December 3, 2008 at 10:38 am

So how do you explain Little Big Man?

Reply

2 RhodesTer December 3, 2008 at 10:48 am

Who?

You can link things here, it’s pretty cool.. that way I won’t have to say “who?”

Reply

3 Leann December 3, 2008 at 11:58 am

You don’t know who ‘Little Big Man’ with Dustin Hoffman is? Pretty good stuff.

I agree with you by the way. I’m sure I would not have put it quite so eloquently, but I agree :-)

Reply

4 SwanShadow December 3, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Wait… John Wayne was gay?

How do you explain the fact that there was both a cowboy and an Indian in the Village People? And were they born Village People, or did the desire to become satirical musical stereotypes strike them later in life?

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5 RhodesTer December 3, 2008 at 3:39 pm

Leann – OH, Dustin Hoffman? Now I remember. He was in Midnight Cowboy too, except he wasn’t the cowboy.. that was Jon Voight, who wasn’t gay in it. I don’t think. Or was he?

SwanShadow – Thanks for the comment, but I freely admit that I possess nowhere near the level of intellectual competence needed to engage in a discourse concerning the orientation of The Village People.

Reply

6 Lorna December 4, 2008 at 3:13 am

DAMN! Oh, and I love your new wallpaper.

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7 RhodesTer December 4, 2008 at 3:19 am

It’s red.

I wish the blog were!

..read.

**groan**

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8 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome December 4, 2008 at 6:03 am

So what about those who are both cats and Indians? I personally am all Indian, but I’ve known quite a few people in my life who are a mix of the two – those who are and are able to chase after other cats, then saying that liking Indians is a choice and so if mixed ones choose to be with the cat-loving majority then the poor Indians (wow, how uncomfortable am I using that term!) – Native Americans – who only like other Native Americans have nothing to argue against because for those of the CatNA mix, it honestly is a choice.

Then the full cats just can’t understand why anyone would prefer a Native American over a cat so then get all judgmental.

And us poor NAs are unfortunately figurative, rather than literally, screwed.

Reply

9 RhodesTer December 4, 2008 at 7:13 am

Alex,

HAHA!

Huh?

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10 RhodesTer December 4, 2008 at 7:20 am

Absolutely! Clear as mud :-)

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11 Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome December 4, 2008 at 7:17 am

Oops it seems I edited out a few too many words… I wanted to say that there are those who are both cats and Indians but because we live in a cat dominated world they choose to chase after the cats and repress their Indian chasing natures, thinking therefore that everyone else is a mix of cat and Indian and therefore have a choice.

Clear as mud, no?

Reply

12 Scott December 4, 2008 at 9:38 am

Links? You can include links here? Awesome. I’ll do that in the future. ;-)

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13 RhodesTer December 4, 2008 at 9:48 am

Scott, your comment was caught in the spam filter because you linked the word links. I think. Anyway, I uncaught it. There ya go.

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14 A. Lewis June 26, 2010 at 7:37 pm

My god, you’re killin’ me, man! Happy Pride!

Reply

15 RhodesTer June 26, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Killing in a good way, I hope? Because you know, I’m not out to kill gay people. Someone has to keep these fab little boutiques in the Castro going.

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