We here at The RhodesTer Chronicles are happy as clams to present you with a guest poster to start off the week, and this is without even having been kidnapped by aliens, for once.

Katherine Hardman lives in a tiny Texas town and holds the title of Honorary Goddaughter. She’s 17 and in high school, yet she writes well beyond her years. Her POSTS are funny, cute and clever,  her FACEBOOK UPDATES are cute, clever and funny, while her TWEETS are clever, funny and cute, in that order.

This kid was born to be a writer, so we hope this opportunity gives her a tiny boost. Don’t forget to subscribe to her blog when you’re done.

This Is A Document In Which I Wrote Words

In which Katherine Hardman makes an utter fool of herself: a story.

Katherine and Bernard

Late this evening, having been successfully lulled into a false sense of security by homemade pizza and delightful British comedy, my mother called upon me to complete a long and gruesome task.

“Katherine,” she said nondescriptly, patting me on the head. “Would you walk Bernard? I walked him this morning.”

I groaned, writhing dramatically on the seat next to her as she continued with, “and your sister walked him yesterday evening.”

“So it’s my turn?”

“It’s your turn.”

At the end of the couch, curled at my feet, was my dog. He’s pretty terrifying. For one, he’s named after the fearsome and utterly dignified Barney Fife. Secondly, despite the fact that he weighs all of ten pounds and currently sports a baby blue bandanna around his neck, he knows his duty.

As soon as the vacuum is within sight, even, he is quite aware of what he needs to do. This being, of course, the act of protecting me from the evils of the vicious vacuum monster. He’ll even cower quite nicely as to make me feel better about the whole situation.

He’s a really great dog.

Pulling myself from the couch and eventually locating his leash, I cracked open the back door with Bernard tailing behind me reluctantly. It was with immense curiosity and glee that he perused the tumbleweeds surrounding our carport, sniffing carefully before deciding that no, he did not wish to relieve himself at this particular juncture, thank you very much.

We circled the driveway in a bit of a haphazard square dance, Bernard requesting I allow him to venture into the great unknown and I insisting we stay within the porch light’s reach.

In an act of desperation, as it had been a ridiculous and unsuccessful three minutes, I pulled him over to the neighbor’s fence. As he snuffled around in the grass with absolutely no intention of marking his territory (what a nice guy), I examined the stars above me.

photo by JP Stanley on Flickr

I’ve always liked stars. On summer evenings, especially, I tend to get a bit emotional and long to commune with the great beast of nature. I picture myself sitting in fields with some boy or other and talking over plans as the stars twinkle above us, a breeze wafting me into a state of happy delirium. This is especially hilarious if you’re aware of the depths in which I fear all aspects of the outdoors. I dare you to send me that “adorable” link you found pertaining to drunk jellyfish. Once I’m finished with my panic attack you will find yourself very, very dead.

As I say, occasionally I get up the idea that it would be a good idea to stargaze, but I have always talked myself out of it. It isn’t necessary, I tell myself, and you have Things To Do.

But tonight was different. Screw that, I thought. I don’t need a boy to show me the stars. I can take the night off from mindlessly wishing I were being productive, and the stars are right here in my driveway. It is now, two weeks before school is set to commence and I begin my journey as a senior, that I am coming to the realization that I could be spending my free time doing enjoyable things.

Thus, there was no time to waste.

I tugged Bernard away from the gate and returned him to his nightly post (i.e. protecting my mother from demons), and started formulating a plan as I changed shoes and turned on the tap to dispense some water for myself. I disentangled a lawn chair from the innards of a closet and tucked my journal under one arm, valiantly pushed open the back door and regarded the scene.

Our neighborhood is desperately quiet even in daylight. Furthermore, at night, none of the other homes have ever been known to leave lights on. Often I wonder if I live amidst a rare species of mute salamanders. For all I see of my neighbors, they actually could be salamanders. I mean, for all I know.

Our back door leads to a carport and driveway, then the gates on two sides and a tatterdemalion shed in which we store our neglected Christmas paraphernalia. Live oak trees surround everything else, twisting to mask most of the sky but for a few patches here and there. Crickets have been known to chirp.

Setting up my chair at an angle in the driveway as to properly view the stars, I uncap my pen with a flourish, open my journal to an incomplete page and began to muse on the beauty of the summer evening.

“Ahh,” I thought, sighing happily. “The stars are so twinkly and bright, the air is balmy and filled with the noises of the night and here I am amongst it. Look at me, out here being independent and daring! This will make a great story..  I will regale people with its glory and they will legitimately cry and I will RULE THE WORLD!!”

This was obviously a logical progression. I thought it up myself, so it must be true.

I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself, I tell you. Here I was, doing something fun (and cheap! Look at this tap water!) without the coercion of my peers. Of course, in my tiny Texas town, fun can be defined in mighty peculiar ways. As far as I have been able to discern, there is this thing called “hanging out” and also cows. There are lots of cows. This is about as far as I’ve gotten.

It is to be noted that, beyond the great and mighty fence they have erected because they hate the world, my neighbors are also in possession of dogs. And, occasionally, these dogs brutally slaughter the fence as to gain a bit of freedom.

It is also to be noted that, without my knowledge, this had occurred again.

photo by ms tea on Flickr

The dog in my story is large and brown, having both terrifying yellow eyes and the talent of wriggling under fences despite her size.

So as I grinned to myself under that pretty night sky and crickets chirped in whatever land they live in, I quickly became aware of another element. A soft, interminable growl. Yellow eyes, a form standing sentry. At her side, a Chihuahua.

Let’s not even talk about the Chihuahua.

At first I considered the possibility that the pair might find me harmless and return to their world of captivity. After all, my dog pees on their fence every day, surely they couldn’t think too badly of me!

Tossing this number aside, I then idled over the idea that they might rush me. I might be able to take the Chihuahua, I reasoned, but the first dog was very large and looked to be readying for the attack.

Frozen on the spot and appropriately sporting a t-shirt proclaiming myself “not a damsel in distress,” I considered my options.

I really didn’t want to be eaten, the whole situation being deliciously ironic enough as it was. My journal entry left unfinished in the middle of a sentence about how utterly clever and proud I was of myself, I carefully began to extricate myself from the chair. The dog kept her place, still growling, as I made my decision..

In glorious slow motion, channeling every ninja thought I could muster and dragging the chair behind me as I went, I scrambled back into the safety of the indoors and hid under my desk for five minutes.

I am so good at having fun.

Visit Katherine’s blog, IVY AND THE WALL

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..a message from X3lph the reddish, translated from Pleiaden dialect using a snorfdrum.

Peoples of what you call Earth, this must serve to notify you that we have deposited the one you call Rhodester upon your soil once again after the fifth or perhaps seventh round of testing and extraction and more testing, followed by one more extraction and then a final test.

We say fifth or seventh due in part to the different numerical system we use which is based on ones and twos, but also we lost count on a previous attempt when Rhodester briefly regained consciousness and started telling stories.

This message of notification is in response to the outcry voiced by many Earth peoples when it was discovered that Rhodester was not among you, which was one or two of your Earth calendar “weeks” ago, but we lost count because, once again, he regained consciousness. We have since discovered that he has a strong resilience when it comes to the blood of the Moof worm, but we have since rectified the problem by assuring he stays under with the simple act of whacking him on the head with a Glubian mallet whenever his eyes start to flutter open. No more stories, yay!

It was said during the previously mentioned outcry that we should have provided notice of another invitation of Rhodester (you say “abduction,” we say “invitation”.. potato, po-tah-toh) but first of all that stipulation is not in the original Eisenhower contract with your peoples, which your president Dwight signed in his own blood ( a requirement of ours) and second, why should we notify you of anything when in the blink of his third eye our High Commander Xer8lts could annihilate the populace of your pathetic planet?

Just so you know, and not to alarm you or anything, there has been much more urgent insistence from the high counsel that he do so as of late, given the frequency of unfortunate occurrences that seem to indicate you as a people are bent on the destruction of your lovely home.

Seriously, why doesn’t someone do something about that damned oil spill? We could have easily rectified it, but it’s against our constitution of minimal interference so we just let your leaders bicker on and point fingers (as short as they are, which we find laughable) while we sit here in our twirling little ships, watching with horror.

Granted, we would like to inherit a pristine planet someday, but it appears not to be, due to our own stupid benevolence toward you “ten percenters” (a reference to the amount of brain you use, which we also find laughable).

But I digress, for which I offer apology. I just get emotional when I think of one day treading upon your fare planet after the transportation of the remnants of the human race to the internment camp on our fourth moon (or possibly seventh) in late 2012, and having to sludge along through black goo while smelling the carcasses of dead and rotting animals.

This began as simply a notification of the return of Rhodester, and it shall finish as such, with a thank you thrown in out of benevolence and good will. We are glad you let us “borrow” him (potato, etc.) for we are now that much closer to developing a serum that will enable us to communicate telepathically with our domesticated house pets, thanks to the unique DNA structure of Rhodester’s brain.

We feel that he should be back to blogging in fine form by tomorrow, which is your Tuesday (or Thursday) once the Glubian headache wears off.

Forever yours, or more honestly, the other way around after 2012,

X3lph the reddish

Today we have a guest poster, who happens to be a longtime blogging acquaintance of Rhodester’s. For reasons known only to him he goes by Krispy, and you’ll find his blog here.

In our own humble opinion, his blog is funny most of the time. Kind of depends on how many donuts he’s had.

NOTE – Evidently he quit blogging, so never mind.

—————————————————————————–

Don’t Feed The Bears

Think of this as a public service announcement. It’s something I’m posting simply because it’s a topic I care about and it’s worth taking the time to post it if even one person reads it and thinks about it or looks into it.

This is also an area where my feelings are passionate, and drift close to a mindset associated with those flaky, granola eating, tree hugging hippies. You have no idea how much that bugs me. To find myself agreeing with PETA about anything just makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Nonetheless, on this one topic, I’m in favor of…. (Oh, God, it hurts me to say this)… I’m in favor of animal rights.

There, I said it.

The topic is bears.

I have strong feelings about bears, and I don’t have any idea why. I can’t explain it. I’ve never been involved in any way with preserving or protecting bears, I’ve never spent time with bears, and I don’t believe that I was a bear in a “past life.” Nonetheless, for whatever reason, I’m pretty adamantly pro-bear, and I’m pretty strongly in favor of healthy and rational bear-human relationships.

That is to say, I don’t believe that there should be bear-human relationships. I think that the best thing that humans could do for bears is to leave them the hell alone.

With all of that in mind, please excuse me while I climb atop my soap-box and rant and rave about bears:

Point One: People shouldn’t keep bears in captivity.

Bears don’t do well in zoos. Elephants don’t either, and some people argue that no animals should be kept in zoos. I’ll leave the elephants and other animals for someone else to rail about. I’ll just stick with the bears.

Naturally, bears are roamers. They travel in search of food – that’s just the way they’re built. If you check the internet for stats you’ll find that nobody agrees exactly how far a given bear of a given type will roam in a days time, but the one thing that all sources agree on is that they roam. And they roam far further than they’re allowed in the confines of even the biggest zoo.

When bears are kept in captivity they basically go insane. They sit there in one small area, denied the ability to follow their natural instincts, and they lose their bear minds. It becomes obvious too, as they pace and sway their heads back and forth. This isn’t behavior bears display in the wild. It’s just basic psycho-bear behavior. When you look at bears in zoos, you’re looking at crazy bears. Once you know that, it takes the fun out of it.

On occasion, bears escape from zoos and, well.. you can probably figure out what happens when a crazy bear is loose, roaming the suburbs. It happened at a zoo in my town in December of 2003. It wasn’t pretty.

Zoos aren’t even the worst of it. Circus bears go crazier, and sooner. In Europe, it’s still legal in most places to keep bears in captivity and force them to perform. They typically pull their teeth to try to make them harmless and keep them tied and muzzled, except when they’re being made to “dance.” I can’t imagine why anyone would want to see this kind of thing. It really makes me sick.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those nutcases who’s ready to burn down zoos over bear rights, but I think it’s appropriate to share this information and, hopefully, help change a few minds. If more people speak out in opposition to keeping bears in captivity maybe there’ll be fewer captive bears. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Point Two: People shouldn’t feed, hunt
or otherwise mess with bears in the wild

Okay, my opposition to bear hunting is a hard sell… especially to bear hunters. The case against feeding wild bears, however, is easier to argue, especially since it’s illegal in many (if not most) places in the US.

And there are a number of good reasons why it’s illegal, too. For one thing, bears can really get grouchy. It just ain’t a good idea to attract them. For another thing, bears are far better off eating their own natural foods than eating human foods. According to the Wildlife Conservation Society’s research, bears that eat human food are a third less active and usually overweight. Human food makes bears fat and lazy. And why wouldn’t it? It makes us fat and lazy, after all. Well, anyway, I know it damn sure makes me fat and lazy.

I realize that getting people to agree with me on bear captivity and bear hunting isn’t really likely. Still, if by writing this, I can get a few people to decide that they’ll not try to feed wild bears if they ever have the opportunity, I’ll be happy. Bears have a hard enough time coexisting with us as it is. Heck, a lot of the time they can’t even get along with other bears. Bears are dangerous to people, and we’re dangerous to them, too. A lot of the time, when we cross paths, bears end up being exterminated. That’s unfortunate. Sometimes, contact with humans is fatal to bears in ways that are so sad, even the coldest heart is bound to feel a little sympathy.

While writing this I’ve realized why I have a lot of sympathy for bears – they’re big and often loud, they generally just want to be left alone, junk food makes them fat and lazy, they can be mean, and they don’t get along with anybody.

No, I wasn’t a bear in a “previous life,” but maybe I’m a bear in this one.

We have borrowed RhodesTer for the weekend – again – to complete a series of tests that we implemented the first time around. We are QUITE fascinated with his brain, and therefore we’re trying to extract particular DNA strands for the purpose of behavioral modification in our domesticated house pets.

Just before he went under and we inserted the probes, RhodesTer requested that we contact JOELY BLACK, the author of THE AMNAR SERIES to have her fill in. We were hesitant at first, until RhodesTer informed us that she goes by the moniker “The Charm Quark” on Twitter.

There’s just something about a human who has a quark in their name, so we forged ahead – the title of this guest posting is, “The Tony Soprano of Amazon.”

We don’t get it.. who’s Tony Soprano?

ZORQ, the Magnificate of Zenus 12-46.t3

The other day I got my very first death threat.

I called a friend, ostensibly to ask what I should do about it, and he asked what it was all about. So I had to explain.

“Well, you see,” I said, “I tried to buy Painter X on Amazon, only I bought it from one of the marketplace sellers for £20 and it turns out this is a bad idea because what they do is they send you a re-writable DVD with a copy of Painter X which isn’t for Mac that they downloaded from Pirate Bay for nothing but they made me pay £20 for it. Plus postage and packing.”

“You’re talking in run-on sentences,” he remarked. “Did you contact Amazon about it?”

“I did, but Amazon said I had to talk to the seller first, and give them three days to reply,” I explained. I’d given them time, and they came back and offered me a bunch of other software, which pretty much exactly matched what was currently available for Mac at Pirate Bay. “They weren’t very good at writing English in their emails,” I added.

“It’s a shame it wasn’t about Amnar,” my friend pointed out. We commiserated over the fact that my fiction had not yet caused a storm of angry people to burn my books for a bit, and then I explained about the death threat proper.

After receiving the email back with a selection of software from Pirate Bay that they could download for me (saving me the bother, I suppose), I replied asking for a refund. I thought this was fair enough. If they’d said in their product description that it was “just the disc” I’d have stayed well clear, but they just said it was new and that it would be available in 24 hours. Obviously, I didn’t expect them to write “This product has been illegally downloaded from the internet for the cost of exactly £0 but we’re going to charge you £20 because we figure that’s what our lives are worth if we get arrested for it. Which we won’t because there’s almost no way anybody can catch us doing this anyway.”

The next day I received an email back, in rather broken English, telling me that they had been more than reasonable and would “punish anybody who stood in the way of their business.” They had mouths to feed, apparently, and families dependent on the income.

I decided to call Amazon rather than email the seller again, because obviously I was wasting my time. Amazon very politely said that they would refund me the money immediately and deal with the matter themselves. I sent them copies of the emails. A couple of days later, I received an email from the seller, or the seller pretending to be somebody else:

“You have to excuse my pal Al, he couldn’t talk and type so good, we could have grabbed your balls by now

We have given you all the reasons, but you don’t seems to appreciate it, which makes me very sad and angry

Although I have got the ok from my capo, I wanna make sure that you are the right asshole we are going to pinch

Our proposition is plain and simple, we need the money to eat, you can go crying to your moms or the cops, as long as we keep the dough, there’s no problem

Otherwise the contract will be carried out, and you will a very nice early Christmas

*If we don’t see the claim being removed within the next 24 hours, the contract will be carried out, and you will face all the consequences

This conversation is now final

Kindest regards,”

I called a friend and asked how much it would cost to have me killed. “About £100,” he said. “Life is cheap. Also, they don’t understand basic gang slang.”

Let me remind you, this was over £20. And postage and packing. £3.95. So my life was in the running for about £23.95. At least, however, he managed to be polite at the end.

At this point, I was actually slightly annoyed. I wanted to email them back and point out that they would be losing £80 they clearly desperately needed if they attempted to have me killed, and that anyway, I’d already discussed it on the podcast and with Amazon so everybody would know exactly where to look if I did show up dead. Furthermore, I wanted to say, I have so many more important things to be scared about than you. Please go away. P.S. I have a battle-ready sword and know how to use it.

My favourite part was the ‘kindest regards’ at the end. “We’re going to kill you, love and kisses.”

As you can tell, I managed to survive Christmas and nothing happened. At least, not yet. I thought that was pretty much the end of the whole affair. I was refunded my money, and life went on as normal. Nobody attempted to kill me. I didn’t wake up one morning in the middle of a movie directed by Guy Ritchie starring a babbling Brad Pitt and Jason Statham’s accent.

About a month later, Amazon emailed me about the transaction. “Dear Amazon User, We hope you are satisfied with your recent transaction with X. Please leave feedback on their seller page to let them know what you thought!”

I was astounded. What does one say in feedback to a death threat?

“Highly disappointed. Seller failed to deliver on threat and I am still alive. Was not offered refund. Recommend you do not deal with seller again as their threats are highly disappointing in both style and content.”