As we plow head-on into the Labor Day Weekend here in the United States, I am reminded that I’ve been intending to do a post on hotel tipping, because many of you Americans will be staying in hotels this weekend and there are some things you should probably know.
My apologies right up front to any of you hooligans who are all tanked up on beer and thought that by “hotel tipping” I meant “tipping over hotels” like “cow tipping” in Wisconsin. No, I’m against that sort of thing, because I work at a hotel and it’s within my job description to try and prevent it (even though it’s rather easy once you know how). So I’m afraid you’ll just have to read about “hotel tipping” as in “giving hotel staff money in exchange for good service.”
This is for all of you, in every country, and not just Americans because we’re plowing head-on into Labor Day Weekend. You might be in a country where you’re traveling on business or you’re celebrating the day of the feast of the angry, disgruntled saints, or something, but hotel tipping is the same everywhere. Well, except that it’s with different money, and you should probably never, EVER tip bread or vegetables, unless you’re staying at the Calcutta Grand Hyatt. That’d be my first tip, if my first tip weren’t already this..
1. Tip Valets, Bellmen, Concierges, Housekeepers, Room Service, Bartenders, Pool Attendants and Waiters. Don’t tip Security or Managers On Duty unless his name is Dave.
I happen to work at a hotel that has all of that. I work as Security/Manager On Duty and, even though I don’t generally Valet cars or take bags to rooms or do housekeeping or attend to the pool or serve food or give directions, I do all of that when the people who do that stuff go home. This is Palm Springs, not Las Vegas — it’s basically a small town and we roll up the streets at 11:00pm. Literally. There are crews that go out with these huge machines and they noisily ROLL THE STREETS UP every night. It makes quite a commotion and you can’t drive anywhere after they’re done, because there are no streets. You’d have to walk, but there’s nowhere to walk to.. everything is closed up.
Here at the hotel I park cars and deliver bags and do a little housekeeping and all of that other stuff after hours. So I know a little about tipping. Which leads me to tip #2..
2. Don’t be an asshole.
Please, I mean.. we really don’t care. We don’t care if you’re the head of a multi-billion dollar corporation or if you drive a Bentley, a Rolls or a Mercedes.. we don’t care if you own five houses and a Learjet. If you’re an asshole, that’s all you are. And please stop telling us “I’ll have YOUR JOB!” You’re just providing us with comic fodder, so that we may laugh at you and your bumbling antics later when we’re having a smoke out back. If you don’t even know our boss’ first name, you won’t have our job.. and even if you do, do you really think he’s going to go through the trouble of firing us and hiring someone new and training them because you got your panties in a snit? Just stop saying that. We didn’t do anything wrong, so stop bullying service staff because your day hasn’t gone the way you want it to — happens to everyone, including us the moment you checked-in.
Granted, tip #2 doesn’t have much to do with tipping, but since assholes don’t tip I thought it worth mentioning. This is not to be confused with “you’re an asshole because you don’t tip” which isn’t necessarily true. “Assholes don’t tip” is a singular statement that’s not interchangeable with the first statement. Don’t worry about being thought an asshole if you don’t or can’t tip.. just be nice. You’ll be thought of as “cheap but nice” or “nice but cheap,” depending on who’s doing the thinking, but “asshole” won’t enter into the equation.
3. Tip a couple of bucks per car, or maybe five or even twenty, and five bucks per bag, or maybe just a couple if you’re strapped.
You see, there’s no set formula. Some people drop a twenty or a fifty on the Valet if they want their car right up front, and some people just wear an appropriately thin halter top if they’re the kind of people who happen to be girls and they’re appropriately built and they’ve figured out there are no girl Valets.
A lady asked me the other day if she should tip when she drops her car off or picks it up. I told her that people generally tip when they pick her car up, but not when they drop it off. Then I said “HAHA!” because of the look she gave me when I made it seem as if we give out the keys to HER CAR to anyone who asks for them. I don’t think she knows my boss’ name.. yet.
But I’m seriously not kidding here.. tip what you want, and tip when getting the car or picking it up, or not. You’re in control, and it all depends on how attached you are to your vehicle and how much you’d like to get it back safe and sound. See that flock of pigeons nesting in the wheel wells of that Porsche? HOW much did he tip? Really? Hmmm.. and yeah, those sprinklers are going to activate next to that beautiful Rolls in a few minutes.. I’ll move it for him because, you know, he’s “quite generous.”
4. Yes lady, at a full service hotel such as ours, you tip the Valet and THEN the Bellman separately.
Stay at a Motel 6 and sluff your own bags up to your room if you don’t want to deal with this. I’m talking to the lady I overheard in the lobby who turned to her friend and asked, “I just tipped the Valet, so do I really have to tip this Bellman too?” No lady, the two bucks you gave the Valet covers the Bellman, the housekeeper, your room service waiter and the barkeep for when you’re down in the lounge later slamming cosmopolitans and bitching about the upholstery on your desk chair.
5. This will be my final tip on tipping (you’re welcome) and then you can go to the beach.
Tipping is subjective, not objective. This means that you don’t have to tip if you feel that the service given didn’t warrant it, like if the Bellman passed gas in the elevator on the way up while groping your wife, or if the Valet smeared chocolate on your dashboard after burning a hole in your leather seat with his stogie. You should only tip if they provide a pleasant and helpful experience for you and leave your wife alone, but none of this “I’m a little short on cash at the moment, so I’ll leave you something at the front desk later” nonsense, because they won’t believe you. You actually follow through on that less than five percent of the time; just hit an ATM before you get to the hotel and break a damn twenty when you’re checking in so you can take care of everyone then and there. Okay? Thanks.
Alright, this concludes my helpful advice on tipping so that you’ll be all set for the Labor Day Weekend.
I hope I was of service to you, and that you enjoyed this experience, and yes — as a matter of fact — I DO have a PayPal account, thank you very much!
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